President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
You know what you call the two winners of that $580 million PowerBall lottery? ... Former Democrats — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
You know who Boehner is, right? He's that orange looking guy. See, for Republicans that counts as diversity. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that's when you know they're serious about being president of the United States. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
If I could ask Ken Lay one question right now, do you know what it would be? "Does the Devil really wear… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
According to Time magazine, global warming is 33% worse than we thought. You know what that means? Al Gore is one-third more… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama announced his new economic team. You know what he should do? Hire those people who were in charge… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
According to the British Journal of Psychiatry, marijuana can cause panic attacks. I don't know . . . The only time I… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
I don't know why it's so hard to believe women. You to go Saudi Arabia and you need two women to testify… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
With Halloween coming this weekend, they say not one person in the country is planning to dress up as Governor Sarah Palin.… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
McDonald's announced that it's considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
I'm sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I'll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Johnny Walker, the American that fought for the Taliban, is now talking with an Arabic accent. Have you heard him? It's ridiculous.… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
There's all this talk about Arnold Schwarzenegger. Well, you know where he is now? Visiting Mexico, which I think means that he… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
In an unlikely pairing, Hillary Clinton made an appearance this week with Newt Gingrich to push a health care plan. The press… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The Sacramento Bee is reporting that Arnold Schwarzenegger is not going to run for governor. You know what would be better? Arnold… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
As you know, John McCain is an older, white-haired man who has been in the Senate for over twenty years, voted for… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
As you all know by now, Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
You know what's sad about this? Not the gambling, but the best way to reach college athletes is the Cartoon Network. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend and you know what was really sad? It's a stationary bike. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Did you know that 10% of all Americans have not had sex in 5 years? I didn't know there were so many Republicans. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she's eating for one. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can't find his birth certificate. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on romance. You know what we call these people? Men! — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Some sad news, President Bush's lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn't even know Tony Blair was sick? — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The Canadian Prime Minister said Canada would lend the U.S. its full military support. You know what that means: Both tanks. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Arnold said this is a last minute attack by Democrats. How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats? — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Know what the Taliban leaders like to do for fun? Just sit around and get bombed. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Martha Stewart was found guilty on all charges. You know what that means, stripes are in this year. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends… — Jay Leno Copy Share
There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they're not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't… — Jay Leno Copy Share
“Leno said the rainy weather in California "couldn't have come at a worse possible time. Today was the day NBC was supposed to burn… — Jay Leno Copy Share
Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of Celebrity Apprentice wraps up.… — Jay Leno Copy Share
American forces in Iraq found $650 million in American cash sealed in a hidden cottage. See, this is why President Bush wants to invade… — Jay Leno Copy Share
I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet… — Jay Leno Copy Share
Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just… — Jay Leno Copy Share
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out. — Jay Leno Copy Share
The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet… — Jay Leno Copy Share
The Globe reports that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il raises money by selling fake Viagra pills. What it is about this guy? None of… — Jay Leno Copy Share
Here is your government at work. A congressman from Colorado said he wants to draft a rule that would make it unethical to have… — Jay Leno Copy Share
Jack Abramoff is going to testify against some of the other weasels in Congress. A lobbyist testifying against congressmen? How many Bibles are going… — Jay Leno Copy Share
Tomorrow, America's most famous hockey mom, Sarah Palin, will drop the ceremonial first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. Right afterwards, she'll get out… — Jay Leno Copy Share
