If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I didn't play music, nobody in my family had an instrument or played music, we didn't even have any books at my… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When I used to go on the Wikipedia page, and I haven't gone on the page in a while, there used to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, "You've got one year… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
