If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically! — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think… — Steven Wright Copy Share
