People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough". — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look.… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer." — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
![“[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.” quote by Rodney Dangerfield](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0f5/rodney-dangerfield-755_half_on-8-24-04-before-entering-a-los-angeles_1331635.jpg)
