If Shakespeare were alive today and writing comedy for the movies, he would be the head-liner for the Mack Sennett studios. — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge. — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
If you look at eggs, you will see that each one is almost round but not quite ... Nature's way of distinguishing… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. That remark in itself wouldn't make any sense… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
What is the disease which manifests itself in an inability to leave a party--any party at all--until it is all over and… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
There is probably not more than one hundred dollars in cash in circulation today. That is, if you were to call in… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
The way to go to the circus, however, is with someone who has seen perhaps one theatrical performance before in his life… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born. We are constantly remarking on the fact that… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
The knocking out of a pipe can be made almost as important as the smoking of it, especially if there are nervous… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
A man gets on a train with his little boy, and gives the conductor only one ticket. 'How old's your kid?' the… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
If you are one of the hewers of wood and drawers of small weekly paychecks, your letters will have to contain some… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. That remark in itself wouldn’t make any sense… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
I have often wondered how they manage to get return envelopes which miss, by one-quarter of an inch, fitting the blank you are supposed… — Robert Benchley Copy Share
My first big mistake was made when, in a moment of weakness, I consented to learn the game; for a man who can frankly… — Robert Benchley Copy Share
You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little… — Robert Benchley Copy Share
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I… — Robert Benchley Copy Share
But ice-crunching and loud gum-chewing, together with drumming on tables, and whistling the same tune 70 times in succession, because they indicate an indifference… — Robert Benchley Copy Share
The naturalistic literature of this country has reached such a state that no family of characters is considered true to life whichdoes not include… — Robert Benchley Copy Share
There is no such place as Budapest. Perhaps you are thinking of Bucharest, and there is no such place as Bucharest, either. — Robert Benchley Copy Share
I am both a public and a private school boy myself, having always changed schools just as the class in English in the new… — Robert Benchley Copy Share
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment. — Robert Benchley Copy Share
After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get out a new book by him… — Robert Benchley Copy Share
One of the chief duties of the fan is to engage in arguments with the man behind him. This department of the game has… — Robert Benchley Copy Share
“There are two kinds of people in the world: those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who do not.” — Robert Benchley Copy Share
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony. — Robert Benchley Copy Share
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. — Robert Benchley Copy Share
