Ifs Quotes by Phyllis Diller

... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.

— Phyllis Diller

If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.

— Phyllis Diller

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

— Phyllis Diller

[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.

— Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

— Phyllis Diller

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

— Phyllis Diller

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and…

— Phyllis Diller

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

— Phyllis Diller

Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something…

— Phyllis Diller

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell,…

— Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that…

— Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he…

— Phyllis Diller

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they…

— Phyllis Diller

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this?…

— Phyllis Diller

On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so…

— Phyllis Diller

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

— Phyllis Diller

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

— Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

— Phyllis Diller