If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
These people [the Christians] watched the Flintstones as if it were a documentary. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If somebody tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I take a fossil and say "FOSSIL". If he… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Whenever someone says they believe the earth was created in 7 days, I grab a fossil and say, Fossil. And if they… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I went to New Zealand this year, and, whew man, I know a lot of people want to go there. But let… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
“Ninety percent of a shirt that not only was bright purple and green but with a design on it that, if you… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
This is the thing I've never understood: If someone is going to hell for being gay or being a Jew or a… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
When from behind me, a young woman of 25 uttered the following, it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. No health insurance, so if… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Here's why I think there's something a little odd with George Bush. Because a lot of the times when he speaks, his… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
[The Weather Channel] is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
My review of 2001, the year, is the same as my review of 2001: A Space Odyssey. It went on too long,… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
In Canada I'm not dealing with people who are bringing in baggage, they just get it. But New Orleans will be a… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind… — Lewis Black Copy Share
If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has… — Lewis Black Copy Share
I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of… — Lewis Black Copy Share
“I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.” — Lewis Black Copy Share
These ballot initiatives against same sex marriage remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so… — Lewis Black Copy Share
If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?' — Lewis Black Copy Share
No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke.… — Lewis Black Copy Share
I'm always amazed when I hear people saying, "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug… — Lewis Black Copy Share
I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it… — Lewis Black Copy Share
If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow… — Lewis Black Copy Share
Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap. — Lewis Black Copy Share
I'd like the campaigning to be about all the things they're not going to do. Just tell me what you're not going do! Don't… — Lewis Black Copy Share
Johnny Vassilaros is the man who has created the finest cup of coffee ever served in the city of New York. — Lewis Black Copy Share
“At seven p.m., hope is sparked again when some new chirpy airline employee announces that a new plane without that nasty mechanical problem -… — Lewis Black Copy Share
![“These people [the Christians] watched the Flintstones as if it were a documentary.” quote by Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4a0/lewis-black-1143_christian_these-people-the-christians-watched-the_606874.png)
![“[The Weather Channel] is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in America. They were worried about the terrorists immobilizing us, and a portion of our countrymen watch weather. 'Kay, you don't get any more immobile than that... unless…” quote by Lewis Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/356/lewis-black-1143_america_the-weather-channel-is-the-most-watched_2201685.jpg)
