So if you're negative, you live longer? That sounds like a cruel joke. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
People, if you can't get through the puns, I can't give you the good stuff. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If the world does need to repopulate at some point, the announcing team of Rob Lowe and Sofia Vergara, I think, would… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I still do not understand how a corporation can have person-hood if it has no soul and never dies. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The press is our immune system. If it overreacts to everything, we eventually get sicker. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Why do I have to follow CNN on Twitter? If I want to follow CNN, I can follow them on CNN. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I've always run by the hierarchy of 'If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre,… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Who cares how we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons if we avoided a war… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
That is the American experiment. An ethnic group arriving on America's shores, to be reviled and hazed, living in squalor, or if… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion:… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Maybe we should always show pictures. Bin Laden, pictures of our wounded service people, pictures of maimed innocent civilians. We can only… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year,… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
A guy comes down to earth, takes your sins, dies, and comes back three days later. You believe in him and go… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Ralph Nader choose the man with whom to share the responsibility of running a distant third, California activist Peter Camejo. You may… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If you want, you can try and get a broader perspective, or you can find people who are absolutely out of their… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The country's 24 hour political pundit perpetual panic conflictinator did not cause our problems but its existence makes solving them that much… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
In my head, thought, I would love to do an interview where it's just sort of de-constructed - the talking points of… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If I was to really get at the burr in my saddle, it's not politics - and this is, I think, probably… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If the president is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract. Its vast and convoluted inner workings… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If someone was to introduce hope and idealism into our political system, I think the tension that would create in other areas… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may? — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If Obama's a tyrant, then he's pretty lame for a tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
[If President Bush is right about democracy in Iraq] I may, and I don't know if I can physically do this, implode. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If you break someone's leg, shouldn't you have to be the crutch for a while? — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
[He died of thirst?] That sounds, if I might say, like the greatest Sprite commercial ever. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The government should stop meddling in the business of the farmers, who would actually still be living ina desert if not for… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I don't know how people feel,that's the beauty of TV, is they can see us, but we can't see them. — Jon Stewart Copy Share
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it's not even… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla. — Jon Stewart Copy Share
While opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal, The New York Times recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income taxes, reformed welfare and… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty! — Jon Stewart Copy Share
The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. — Jon Stewart Copy Share
Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.'… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
We're going to do a challenge. I'm going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't you know, it's interesting. I think we don't… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
![“[If President Bush is right about democracy in Iraq] I may, and I don't know if I can physically do this, implode.” quote by Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7b5/jon-stewart-455_democracy_if-president-bush-is-right-about-democra_2094054.jpg)
![“[He died of thirst?] That sounds, if I might say, like the greatest Sprite commercial ever.” quote by Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b4f/jon-stewart-455_died_he-died-of-thirst-that-sounds-if-i-might_1681403.jpg)
