My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18,… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
The question is absurd: when you ask, 'If God is both all good and all powerful, why then does He allow suffering?',… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed… — Emo Philips Copy Share
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness! — Emo Philips Copy Share
Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together. — Emo Philips Copy Share
I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass… — Emo Philips Copy Share
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. — Emo Philips Copy Share
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."… — Emo Philips Copy Share
I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off… — Emo Philips Copy Share
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember,… — Emo Philips Copy Share
If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits… — Emo Philips Copy Share
Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And… — Emo Philips Copy Share
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them. — Emo Philips Copy Share
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in. — Emo Philips Copy Share
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman:… — Emo Philips Copy Share
Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get… — Emo Philips Copy Share
