Heaven Quotes by Mark Twain

“If there is no smoking in heaven, I'm not interested”

— Mark Twain

What a man misses mostly in heaven is company.

— Mark Twain

...heaven for climate, and hell for society.

— Mark Twain

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

— Mark Twain

There is no humor in heaven.

— Mark Twain

If there are no cigars in heaven, I shall not go.

— Mark Twain

Heaven is the very last place to come to rest and don't you be afraid to bet on that!

— Mark Twain

We may not doubt that society in heaven consists mainly of undesirable persons.

— Mark Twain

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

— Mark Twain

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.

— Mark Twain

You can go to heaven if you want. I'd rather stay in Bermuda.

— Mark Twain

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

— Mark Twain

Heaven goes by favor; If it went on merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

— Mark Twain

If smoking cigars is not permitted in heaven, I won''t go.

— Mark Twain

If you don't know what this means. It means go to heaven for happiness go to hell for anger. I hope you…

— Mark Twain

God could create the world in six days because he didn't have to make it compatible with the previous version. Go to…

— Mark Twain

“I begin to see that a man’s got to be in his own Heaven to be happy.” “Perfectly correct,” says he.  “Did…

— Mark Twain

“She said all a body would have to do there [Heaven] was to go around all day long with a harp and…

— Mark Twain

“His heaven is like himself: strange, interesting, astonishing, grotesque. I give you my word, it has not a single feature in it…

— Mark Twain

Who are we to create a heaven and hell for ourselves, excluding animals and plants in the bargain, just because we have…

— Mark Twain

“He is in heaven now, and happy; or if not there, he bides in hell and is content; for in that place…

— Mark Twain

Man is the only religious animal. In the Holy task of smoothing his brother's path to the happiness of heaven, he has…

— Mark Twain

There is no God, no universe, no human race, no earthly life, no heaven, no hell. It is all a dream, a…

— Mark Twain

It is believed by everyone that when he was in heaven he was stern, hard, resentful, jealous and cruel, but that when…

— Mark Twain

When I take up one of Jane Austen's books ... I feel like a barkeep entering the kingdom of heaven. I know…

— Mark Twain

It is plain that there is one moral law for heaven and another for the earth. The pulpit assures us that wherever…

— Mark Twain

A religion that comes of thought, and study, and deliberate conviction, sticks best. The revivalized convert who is scared in the direction…

— Mark Twain

The election makes me think of a story of a man who was dying. He had only two minutes to live, so…

— Mark Twain

Man has imagined a heaven, and has left entirely out of it the supremest of all his delights...sexual intercourse!...His heaven is like…

— Mark Twain

“Oh, there spoke the human! He is always pretending that the eternal bliss of heaven is such a priceless boon! Yes, and…

— Mark Twain

The Bible is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some…

— Mark Twain

Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion--several of…

— Mark Twain

Heaven knows insanity was disreputable enough, long ago; but now that the lawyers have got to cutting every gallows rope and picking…

— Mark Twain

“The Creator sat upon the throne, thinking. Behind him stretched the illimitable continent of heaven, steeped in a glory of light and…

— Mark Twain

I do not see how astronomers can help feeling exquisitely insignificant, for every new page of the Book of the Heavens they…

— Mark Twain

It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions. Heaven…

— Mark Twain

Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

— Mark Twain

Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.

— Mark Twain

Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed

— Mark Twain

I begin to see that a man's got to be in his own heaven to be happy.

— Mark Twain