I just heard George W. Bush's new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, Soon you'll be able to have sex. I said,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The post office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, 'If only there was an… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there's a pretty good message to send to Middle America. When Rick… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. You know, we criticized… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4-1/2 minutes. When they asked him what it was like being… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share
Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of… — David Letterman Copy Share
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving. — David Letterman Copy Share
Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration. — David Letterman Copy Share
