If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
You always hear about the guy who was raised by wolves. You never hear about the guy who was raised by the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term 'happily ever after' lived… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When I used to go on the Wikipedia page, and I haven't gone on the page in a while, there used to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
