I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can… — Dana Gould Copy Share
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. — Dana Gould Copy Share
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get… — Dana Gould Copy Share
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business. — Dana Gould Copy Share
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. — Dana Gould Copy Share
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because… — Dana Gould Copy Share
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible… — Dana Gould Copy Share
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. — Dana Gould Copy Share
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward. — Dana Gould Copy Share
My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll… — Dana Gould Copy Share
Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched. — Dana Gould Copy Share
If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about… — Dana Gould Copy Share
