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God Quotes by Mark Twain

52 God quotes by Mark Twain

All God quotes Mark Twain’s page

Mark Twain paints God as a mischievous inventor of idiots and school boards, a being who lacks firm convictions and tries many roles. He jokes that God blocks human plans like a game, and that divine cures often arrive with a doctor’s bill. Twain also wonders if God made man out of disappointment with the monkey.

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All gods are better than their reputation.

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If there is a God, he is a malign thug.

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Man - a figment of God's imagination.

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God: The most popular scapegoat for our sins

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God cures and the doctor sends the bill.

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God puts something good and loveable in every man His hands create.

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Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

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God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

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“If I were to construct a God I would furnish Him with some way and qualities and characteristics which the Present lacks.”

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Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

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Blasphemy? No, it is not blashphemy. If God is as vast as that, he is above blasphemy; if he is as little…

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“Who gave his angels eternal happiness unearned, yet required his other children to earn it?”

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The gods offer no rewards for intellect. There was never one yet that showed any interest in it...

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Public opinion is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.

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Being made merely in the image of God but not otherwise resembling him enough to be mistaken by anybody but a very…

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No man that has ever lived has done a thing to please God--primarily. It was done to please himself, then God next.

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I felt it was my duty to praise all of God's works with fervent enthusiasm. At the same time I killed flies…

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“It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom…

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We grant God the possession of all the qualities of mind except the one that keeps the others healthy; that watches over…

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No God and no religion can survive ridicule. No political church, no nobility, no royalty or other fraud, can face ridicule in…

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...Man is a marvelous curiosity. When he is at his very very best he is a sort of low grade nickel-plated angel;…

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More than once I have been humiliated by my resemblance to God the father; He is always longing for the love of…

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“Satan had been making admiring remarks about certain of the Creator's sparkling industries -- remarks which, being read between the lines, were…

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I have a religion-but you will call it blasphemy. It is that there is a God for the rich man but none…

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“After a long time and many questions, Satan said, "The spider kills the fly, and eats it; the bird kills the spider…

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You need not expect to get your book right the first time. Go to work and revamp or rewrite it. God only…

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Leaving out the gamblers, the burglars, and the plumbers, perhaps we do put our trust in God after a fashion. But, after…

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If God is what people say there can be no one in the universe so unhappy as He; for He sees unceasingly…

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“O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling…

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Strange a God who mouths Golden Rules and forgiveness, then invented hell; who mouths morals to other people and has none Himself;…

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The Church worked hard at it night and day during nine centuries and imprisoned, tortured, hanged, and burned whole hordes and armies…

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“A God who could make good children as easily a bad, yet preferred to make bad ones; who could have made every…

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Ethical man: A Christian holding four aces.

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These are the true and only God, mighty and supreme.

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Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

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Man proposes, but God blocks the game.

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God's noblest work. Man who found it out? Man.

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None of us can be as great as God, but any of us can be as good.

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I wonder if God created man because He was disappointed with the monkey.

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...one should be gentle with the ignorant, for they are the chosen of God.

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More by Mark Twain

Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.

If you had made the acquiring of ignorance the study of your life, you could not have graduated with higher honor than you could…

“The Creator sat upon the throne, thinking. Behind him stretched the illimitable continent of heaven, steeped in a glory of light and color; before…

It's easy to quit smoking. I've done it hundreds of times.

“It is never wrong to do the right thing.”

A man accustomed to American food and American domestic cookery would not starve to death suddenly in Europe, but I think he would gradually…

There is nothing training can't cannot do. Nothing is above its reach.

I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get…

The higher animals get their teeth without pain or inconvenience. Man gets his through months and months of cruel torture; he will never get…

“As far as I can see, Italy, for fifteen hundred years, has turned all her energies, all her finances, and all her industry to…

Begin with the determination to succeed and the work is half done already.

Many public-school children seem to know only two dates—1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don't know what happened on either…

If we could imagine such a man, that is a man who could invent the fly and send him out on his mission and…

You perceive, now, that these things are all impossible except in a dream. You perceive that they are pure and puerile insanities, the silly…

Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.