That’s why you call it a budget. You set it and you don’t budge. — Jennifer Morrison Copy Share Image
I'm not going to bag on people and make funny jokes about my opponent. I just respect every opponent I go in… — Joseph Benavidez Copy Share Image
'Friends' was great fun, but I was just there so they could make some funny jokes about England. — Helen Baxendale Copy Share Image
A Guy Went To a Restaurant, He Wanted To See the Menu But He Forgot What It Is Called; He Asked Waiter,… — Troublemaker Copy Share Image
I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day. — John Bishop Copy Share Image
I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if… — Ricky Gervais Copy Share Image
I think my sense of humor is really dark and super twisted and stuff like that. It's like, "Is this a funny… — Kanye West Copy Share Image
I have a really analytical approach to art. And the whole idea that you can't analyze what makes a joke funny...I do… — David Rees Copy Share Image
Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window Teacher : who just… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
The Teacher asked all the students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except… — Troublemaker Copy Share Image
Man bought a Shampoo bottle and asked the sales man for free gift Salesman: There is no gift for this Man: Dont… — Troublemaker Copy Share Image
I was worried on a personal level because I wanted to be slightly taller than I am, ideally. But I've now accepted… — Daniel Radcliffe Copy Share Image
Teacher: How to kill a mosquito? Student: Catch it alive, Tie its legs then make gudgudi in its stomach and when it… — Troublemaker Copy Share Image
“They can go about collecting every material thing of worldly value, but they’re missing everything that truly counts. When you’ve got nothing… — Megan Thomason Copy Share Image
The only time I've ever been mistaken for someone else is - and this arguable still - when a person came up… — John Hodgman Copy Share Image
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There was a family that had a parrot that was always embarrassing them by cussing and other stuff like that. So one… — Troublemaker Copy Share Image
Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I’ve spent too many years explaining who and what I am repeatedly, so as of this moment I officially secede from both… — Drew Hayden Taylor Copy Share Image
Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night. I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people.… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“Jenna is the kind of beautiful that I can get lost in. Lost from all the fucked-up-ness in my head. She’s the… — E.L. Montes Copy Share Image
“Seafood poisoning, a cigarette lit as the person is drifting off to sleep and that sets fire to the sheets or, worse,… — Javier Marías Copy Share Image
All my cuts are always about three hours, at the start, mainly because any scene in the movie that's 90 seconds, I… — Judd Apatow Copy Share Image
Given a little time for the pain to subside, dreadful experiences often can be the basis of funny jokes or stories. — Steve Allen Copy Share Image
A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours. — Ronald Reagan Copy Share Image
Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.' — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
What Is The Relation Ship Is Between Cafes And Bars? Simple Most Of The Love Stories Start At Cafes And End At… — Troublemaker Copy Share Image
I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
