That’s why you call it a budget. You set it and you don’t budge. — Jennifer Morrison Copy Share Image
Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.' — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours. — Ronald Reagan Copy Share Image
Given a little time for the pain to subside, dreadful experiences often can be the basis of funny jokes or stories. — Steve Allen Copy Share Image
I'm taking to my sister and she said 'I'm missing you, Sis and your funny jokes' aww I miss her so much… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
What Is The Relation Ship Is Between Cafes And Bars? Simple Most Of The Love Stories Start At Cafes And End At… — Troublemaker Copy Share Image
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. Wow!, said her… — Troublemaker Copy Share Image
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
A little boy asks a driver: - Could you give me a ride, please? Im late for school. - But Im heading… — Troublemaker Copy Share Image
What does a woman and a kfc meal have in common???? once ur done with the breast legs and thighs u still… — Angel Copy Share Image
A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh,… — Alonzo Bodden Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
In the 1998 Oscars, I found myself in the bathroom in a stall, next to Tom Selleck. So I leaned over and… — Tom Hanks Copy Share Image
Friends are like fishes. You have to sit patiently for a long time to catch a good one. Just like I caught… — Troublemaker Copy Share Image
I’ve spent too many years explaining who and what I am repeatedly, so as of this moment I officially secede from both… — Drew Hayden Taylor Copy Share Image
Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
There was a family that had a parrot that was always embarrassing them by cussing and other stuff like that. So one… — Troublemaker Copy Share Image
“Jenna is the kind of beautiful that I can get lost in. Lost from all the fucked-up-ness in my head. She’s the… — E.L. Montes Copy Share Image
“Some of us lived different lives, during a different time, in a different universe. We did it on this planet, though. You… — José N. Harris Copy Share Image
Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night. I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people.… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
The only time I've ever been mistaken for someone else is - and this arguable still - when a person came up… — John Hodgman Copy Share Image
“They can go about collecting every material thing of worldly value, but they’re missing everything that truly counts. When you’ve got nothing… — Megan Thomason Copy Share Image
All my cuts are always about three hours, at the start, mainly because any scene in the movie that's 90 seconds, I… — Judd Apatow Copy Share Image
“Seafood poisoning, a cigarette lit as the person is drifting off to sleep and that sets fire to the sheets or, worse,… — Javier Marías Copy Share Image
A Guy Went To a Restaurant, He Wanted To See the Menu But He Forgot What It Is Called; He Asked Waiter,… — Troublemaker Copy Share Image
'Friends' was great fun, but I was just there so they could make some funny jokes about England. — Helen Baxendale Copy Share Image
I'm not going to bag on people and make funny jokes about my opponent. I just respect every opponent I go in… — Joseph Benavidez Copy Share Image
I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if… — Ricky Gervais Copy Share Image
Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day. — John Bishop Copy Share Image
