Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
For me, possibility, progress, growth, those things are very.. they feel very good. It doesn't usually come with negativity. I don't really… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
