Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Nothing agrees with me. If I drink coffee, it gives me dyspepsia; if I drink wine, it gives me the gout; if… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Jane Austen's books, too, are absent from this library. Just that one omission alone would make a fairly good library out of… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
My advice to girls: first, don't smoke - to excess; second, don't drink - to excess; third, don't marry - to excess. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Of the demonstrably wise there are but two: those who commit suicide, & those who keep their reasoning faculties atrophied with drink. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
He had had much experience of physicians, and said, the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
I pity the fellow who has to create a dialect or paraphrase the dictionary to get laughs. I can't spell, but I… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
The Koran does not permit Mohammedans to drink. Their natural instincts do not permit them to be moral. They say the Sultan… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Give an Irishman lager for a month and he's a dead man. An Irishman's stomach is lined with copper, and the beer… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
I heard a Californian student in Heidelberg say, in one of his calmest moods, that he would rather decline two drinks than… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth. — Mark Twain Copy Share
If you had made the acquiring of ignorance the study of your life, you could not have graduated with higher honor than you could… — Mark Twain Copy Share
“The Creator sat upon the throne, thinking. Behind him stretched the illimitable continent of heaven, steeped in a glory of light and color; before… — Mark Twain Copy Share
A man accustomed to American food and American domestic cookery would not starve to death suddenly in Europe, but I think he would gradually… — Mark Twain Copy Share
I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get… — Mark Twain Copy Share
The higher animals get their teeth without pain or inconvenience. Man gets his through months and months of cruel torture; he will never get… — Mark Twain Copy Share
“As far as I can see, Italy, for fifteen hundred years, has turned all her energies, all her finances, and all her industry to… — Mark Twain Copy Share
Many public-school children seem to know only two dates—1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don't know what happened on either… — Mark Twain Copy Share
If we could imagine such a man, that is a man who could invent the fly and send him out on his mission and… — Mark Twain Copy Share
You perceive, now, that these things are all impossible except in a dream. You perceive that they are pure and puerile insanities, the silly… — Mark Twain Copy Share
Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. — Mark Twain Copy Share
