I never really saw myself as a standup comedian. I always just thought of myself as someone who used the eight minutes or 10 minutes she was allotted and had a blast. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently? — Kristen Schaal Copy Share
I used to go to open mics in New York when I was starting out, and it was mostly just people who wanted an… — Kristen Schaal Copy Share
I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share
I don't enjoy reality television at all. I have to say that I get it, though. I watch some of it, and I understand… — Kristen Schaal Copy Share
If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share
Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share
The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too ugly to… — Kristen Schaal Copy Share
You go from nobody looking at you to people taking second looks. I remember really loving it - and then feeling so guilty for… — Kristen Schaal Copy Share
1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share
I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share
He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in… — Kristen Schaal Copy Share
I probably shouldn't say this about all animals, but at least the farm animals that I've hung out with, and even when I go… — Kristen Schaal Copy Share
