I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think… — Steven Wright Copy Share
![“For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]” quote by Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5ea/steven-wright-432_car_for-a-while-i-didn-t-have-a-car-i-had-a_914504.jpg)
![“A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'” quote by Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6ae/steven-wright-432_car_a-cop-stopped-me-for-speeding-he-said-wh_1022504.jpg)
