Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can… — Dana Gould Copy Share
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. — Dana Gould Copy Share
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get… — Dana Gould Copy Share
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business. — Dana Gould Copy Share
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. — Dana Gould Copy Share
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because… — Dana Gould Copy Share
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible… — Dana Gould Copy Share
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. — Dana Gould Copy Share
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward. — Dana Gould Copy Share
My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll… — Dana Gould Copy Share
Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched. — Dana Gould Copy Share
If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about… — Dana Gould Copy Share
