New York City isn't Chuck E. Cheese. We don't have ball pits for the kids to play in. We have titty bars… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Here's what I realized about the yam - it's the same colour as a Nerf ball. You may be wondering: 'Is he… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
They create these rules and argue about things we don't even understand. It is like watching soccer. You sit there and you're… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I know that my job is to perform, it wouldn't be a very interesting show if I just came out one day… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The overwhelming condemnation makes it clear we have made enormous progress in teaching everyone that racism is bad. Where we seem to… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I don't know how people feel,that's the beauty of TV, is they can see us, but we can't see them. — Jon Stewart Copy Share
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it's not even… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla. — Jon Stewart Copy Share
While opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal, The New York Times recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income taxes, reformed welfare and… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty! — Jon Stewart Copy Share
The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. — Jon Stewart Copy Share
Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.'… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
We're going to do a challenge. I'm going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't you know, it's interesting. I think we don't… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
