“An alcohol-free wedding reception is like masturbating for an hour without reaching orgasm. It’s fun at the beginning, but after a while it’s just exhausting and depressing and you want it to be over. Like that, but with dancing.” — Johnny Shaw Copy Share Image
“can’t digest food unless it has some E. coli in it for flavor. All this nutrition nonsense is horseshit.” — Johnny Shaw Copy Share
“Anything can be a curse if it ain't a choice. If it's all you know. If you do it because your father did it.… — Johnny Shaw Copy Share
“Real life doesn’t come beautifully wrapped with a bow on top. Most events usually look more like a three-year-old’s attempt to wrap Mommy’s gift.… — Johnny Shaw Copy Share
“Even a desert hare will take a finger off the dumbass that tries to pet it. If the desert can make a bunny that… — Johnny Shaw Copy Share
“Back at the Date Palm, Bobby and I drank like we had received federal funding to study the impact of beer and Tennessee whiskey… — Johnny Shaw Copy Share
“They wore the uniform of the desert bro. Think frat boy who never went to college. Jersey Shore without the water. Farmer’s tans made… — Johnny Shaw Copy Share
“Sometimes you don’t win the war. You don’t even win any of the battles. All you have left to celebrate is the victory of… — Johnny Shaw Copy Share
“In the city people bitched when you asked them to help you move. Out here a neighbor would help you shovel shit for eight… — Johnny Shaw Copy Share
“Should've known when I met her mama. The big, fat acorn didn't fall too far from the big, fat tree.” — Johnny Shaw Copy Share
“In film theory, it’s called the Kuleshov Effect. A blank expression taking on whatever emotion the context implies.” — Johnny Shaw Copy Share
“Before anyone brands me cruel, remember that Ceja knocked out my tooth for corrupting a nonexistent sister. And while this wasn’t a conscious revenge,… — Johnny Shaw Copy Share
