“My alarm goes off at 5:50 a.m. First thing I do is check to make sure I'm not dead. If I am, in fact, still alive, I usually sob uncontrollably until there's nothing left in my tear ducts but salt… — Samantha Irby Copy Share Image
“but there I was, trying to fit the ocean into a plastic cup as it tossed and turned me in its waves.” — Samantha Irby Copy Share
“A lot of us are living like this, right? Taking cabs and ordering takeout Thai on payday, then walking the three blocks to work… — Samantha Irby Copy Share
“48. Try to think positively. Can’t. Everything is garbage. 49. Stop talking (so much) shit. See above.” — Samantha Irby Copy Share
“Real love feels less like a throbbing, pulsing animal begging for its freedom and beating against the inside of my chest and more like,… — Samantha Irby Copy Share
“You know, what I really need is someone who remembers to rotate this meaty pre-corpse toward the sun every couple of days and tries… — Samantha Irby Copy Share
“have never—and I mean ever—had a real desire to let otherwise-unaccounted-for money just chill in my bank account unmolested for more than maybe a… — Samantha Irby Copy Share
“It's so weird that adults in committed relationships have a problem with something so innocuous as flirting. I would never expect you to walk… — Samantha Irby Copy Share
“I am a negative person by nature, and I typically shy away from anything that requires me to be having visible fun.” — Samantha Irby Copy Share
“do so much shit I don’t want anyone else to see, or know about, that I never want to have to explain to another… — Samantha Irby Copy Share
“The Bachelorette proves that men are as petty and vapid and ridiculous as women are made to seem. They’re just better at hiding it,… — Samantha Irby Copy Share
“Fuck a budget. I grew up poor and now I have money, so I’m going to spend it on Chanel nail polishes. I don’t… — Samantha Irby Copy Share
“My alarm goes off at 5:50 a.m. First thing I do is check to make sure I'm not dead. If I am, in fact,… — Samantha Irby Copy Share
“I learned how to operate under both the physical and emotional weight of unrelenting shame very early. Fat babies are adorable, while fat children… — Samantha Irby Copy Share
“But I’m going to need you to love me on the bus, dude. And first thing in the morning. Also, when I’m drunk and… — Samantha Irby Copy Share
