Bobby, I want to give you this cup. It was made from the…

Bobby, some things are like a tire fire, trying to put it out only makes it worse. You just gotta grab a beer and…

— Hank Hill

You can't compete with this guy. He's a football player, and football players know how to treat a woman right.

— Hank Hill

Butane is the bastard gas.

— Hank Hill

I always say - if you plan ahead, then when things happen, you're prepared for them.

— Hank Hill

Son, you're teasin' the gorilla in the monkey house.

— Hank Hill

I am the mac daddy of Hiemlich County.

— Hank Hill

So are you Chinese or Japanese?

— Hank Hill

Worker's comp? Do I look like a hobo to you? No, sir, I am not going on welfare.

— Hank Hill

Bobby, from now on when I ask you how your day was, what I mean is 'how was shop'?

— Hank Hill

If Bobby doesn't love football, he won't lead a fulfilling life, and then he'll die.

— Hank Hill

I can't enjoy a party until I know where the bathroom is. You knew that when you married me.

— Hank Hill

Bobby I'm going to tell you to do two things I hope you never have to do again, tape the Cowboys game and fetch…

— Hank Hill

Disappointment? No! You make me proud! I've been disappointed by just about everything else in this town, but you? Not once. Damn it, you're…

— Hank Hill

Why are we watching a foreign movie? You'd think if it was any good they would make an American version.

— Hank Hill

If you'd like to learn more about sexual education, don't! Nobody likes a know-it-all who sits around talking about their genitalia. Now, I think…

— Hank Hill