Mr. Long Fingers. Mr. Womb-Ticklers

“HOLY MOTHER EFFING SPARKLY VAMPIRES IS HE HOT”

— Fanny Merkin

“I'd do you." "I think you did once" I say. "Oh yeah.”

— Fanny Merkin

“I drink coffee sometimes, but Starbucks’ coffee tastes like burnt ass,” I say. “Actually, it tastes nothing like burnt ass, Anna.” “And how would…

— Fanny Merkin

“My god, Anna,” he says. “I almost lost you.” He has me in his powerful grip. I’ve never felt this safe before. “Never let…

— Fanny Merkin

“I stare at her blankly. We don't have elevators in Portland. "This is my first elevator ride. How do they work exactly?”

— Fanny Merkin

“Soon, we are as naked as the day we were born. Except, y'know, were not covered in blood and attached to our mothers by…

— Fanny Merkin

“I feel naked in my Tommy hoodie and Victoria's Secret sweatpants with PINK written across the ass. The sweatpants aren't pink though - they're…

— Fanny Merkin

“Are you ready for my love gun?” he says. Uh-oh. “What’s a love gun? Is that a sex toy?” “No,” he says. “I’m talking…

— Fanny Merkin

“Walmart suddenly smells like a prosti-tot pageant.”

— Fanny Merkin

“An attractive blonde behind the receptionist's desk smiles at me as I walk in. I assume she’s the receptionist, because I can’t think of…

— Fanny Merkin

“Here’s the aisle with tape.” “Thank you, Miss Steal,” he says. He picks up the most expensive brand, which runs $3.99 a roll. This…

— Fanny Merkin

“I growl with frustration at my reflection in the mirror. My hair is fifty shades messed up. Why is it so kinky and out…

— Fanny Merkin

“I spend the rest of the night doing schoolwork. After striking a match and lighting a candal, I sit down at my desk with…

— Fanny Merkin

“I walk through the glass doors and into the lobby, which is floor-to-ceiling glass and steel. This fascinates me to no end, because buildings…

— Fanny Merkin

“Air is like cable TV: you don't appreciate it until you don't have it.”

— Fanny Merkin