That's my game. Dickslapping is my game. -Ashley Schaeffer

It sucks to be an orphan. But you know what doesn't suck? Being a millionaire. -Mr. Cisneros

— Eastbound And Down

Love is inappropriate sometimes, April. -Kenny Powers

— Eastbound And Down

I'm laying down my new audio book. No writing, just spoken words, the old fashioned way. -Kenny Powers

— Eastbound And Down

I know that deep inside you there's a humongous set of testicles just waiting to pop out. Let 'em pop, bro. -Kenny Powers

— Eastbound And Down

Now I know you're not a natural beauty, but I think with the right clothes and the right look you could be very striking.…

— Eastbound And Down

Kenny Powers and Barrack Obama are two of the most famous people in show business, so fuck it. -Stevie Janowski

— Eastbound And Down

I could stand to lose four, maybe five pounds to get back in practical game condition. -Kenny Powers

— Eastbound And Down

Look at me mom, look at me mom! -Stevie Janowski

— Eastbound And Down

Please let me stay here and tear this shit up with you. -Stevie Janowski

— Eastbound And Down

What is thy name, steed? -Stevie Janowski

— Eastbound And Down

Woo! -Ashley Schaeffer

— Eastbound And Down

How much exactly does it cost to buy a Mexican baseball team, ten bucks and a burrito? -Kenny Powers

— Eastbound And Down

This is what I'm talkin about, a fuckin showdown! -Ashley Schaeffer

— Eastbound And Down

It ain't often we get many stars in here. Stars kinda make me, oh, how do I say it, a little wet in my…

— Eastbound And Down

You and me are the only cool people here. Everybody here is just a bunch of posers, and hos, and dickheads. -Stevie Janowski

— Eastbound And Down