Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
