Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
St. Patrick's Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It's not the biggest. It's right behind New Year's Eve, Fourth… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Kim Jong Il made his staff call him “dear” and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You're not really drinking coffee unless you drink it black, don't you think? Oh, no? You like to monkey with it? — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Every day we learn more and more about this wacky Osama bin Laden. He lives in a cave and at one time… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
When you think about flying, it's nuts really. Here you are at about 40,000 feet, screaming along at 700 miles an hour… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Economists believe there are three reasons why the Russian economy is doing so poorly. One, economic sanctions are working. Number two, low-price… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share
Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of… — David Letterman Copy Share
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving. — David Letterman Copy Share
Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration. — David Letterman Copy Share
