--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: The trouble with most problem-solving…" description: "\"The trouble with most problem-solving books for parents is that they start with the idea that the child has a problem. Then they try to tell us how to ..." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/912/polly-berrien-berends-22615_blame_the-trouble-with-most-problem-solving-bo_224429.jpg" --- # The trouble with most problem-solving books for parents is… ![“The trouble with most problem-solving books for parents is that they start with the idea that the child has a problem. Then they try to tell us how to fix the child, or else, after blaming the parent, they suggest how we can fix ourselves.” quote by Polly Berrien Berends](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/912/polly-berrien-berends-22615_blame_the-trouble-with-most-problem-solving-bo_224429.jpg) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/912/polly-berrien-berends-22615_blame_the-trouble-with-most-problem-solving-bo_224429.jpg) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/912/polly-berrien-berends-22615_blame_the-trouble-with-most-problem-solving-bo_224429.jpg) > “The trouble with most problem-solving books for parents is that they start with the idea that the child has a problem. Then they try to tell us how to fix the child, or else, after blaming the parent, they suggest how we can fix ourselves.” [Polly Berrien Berends](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/polly-berrien-berends/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. Many parenting guides assume the child is at fault, leading to blame and self‑fixing advice rather than collaborative solutions. **In simple terms:** Books often blame kids, then parents, instead of teamwork. Key Takeaway Shift focus to partnership and mutual growth. Themes parenting blame collaboration self‑improvement Mood reflective empathetic Type advice reflective When to use this quote - family meetings - conflict resolution - co‑parenting strategies - child development workshops Key Concepts family dynamics responsibility communication Questions to Reflect On - How can we involve children in problem‑solving? - What systemic issues might be ignored? A Different Perspective May overlook systemic or external factors influencing behavior. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Book](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/book/) [Child](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/child/) [Children](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/children/) [Ideas](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ideas/) [Parent](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/parent/) [Parenting](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/parenting/) [Problem](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/problem/) [Problem solving](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/problem-solving/) ## Related quotes > [“The obvious alternative to blaming the parent is to conclude that there is something amiss or lacking in the child. If we are not…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gabor-mat/the-obvious-alternative-to-blaming-the-parent-is-to-conclude-that/) [Gabor Maté](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gabor-mat/) > [Perhaps it is partly that we need to love books ourselves as parents, grandparents and teachers in order to pass on that passion for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/michael-morpurgo/perhaps-it-is-partly-that-we-need-to-love-books-ourselves-as-parents/) [Michael Morpurgo](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/michael-morpurgo/) > [Writing was something I have always been interested in. I've grown up in a household full of books, with both my parents English teachers…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alexandra-adornetto/writing-was-something-i-have-always-been-interested-in-i-ve-grown-up/) [Alexandra Adornetto](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alexandra-adornetto/) > [Kids and adults have a difference of opinion when it comes to what constitutes legitimate reading. Adults often push books that they loved as…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jeff-kinney/kids-and-adults-have-a-difference-of-opinion-when-it-comes-to-what/) [Jeff Kinney](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jeff-kinney/) > [Think about reading: Today, parents would love it if their kids read books more because the parents understand the books. Just over 100 years…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-saffo/think-about-reading-today-parents-would-love-it-if-their-kids-read/) [Paul Saffo](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-saffo/) > [“The hardest part is the shi ft we have to make in atti tude. We have to stop thinking of the child as a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/the-hardest-part-is-the-shi-ft-we-have-to-make-in-atti-tude-we-have/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) > [I was a problem child, and problem children do the seemingly insane because they are trying to find out how to fit into the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/leo-mccarey/i-was-a-problem-child-and-problem-children-do-the-seemingly-insane/) Leo McCarey > [I do a great deal of work with young children, and if you give a child a problem, he may come up with a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/edward-de-bono/i-do-a-great-deal-of-work-with-young-children-and-if-you-give-a-child/) [Edward de Bono](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/edward-de-bono/) > [There is never a problem child; there is only a problem parent](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alexander-sutherland-neill/there-is-never-a-problem-child-there-is-only-a-problem-parent/) [Alexander Sutherland Neill](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alexander-sutherland-neill/) > [“The child’s problem is not an information deficit. His problem is that he is a sinner. There are things within the heart of the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tedd-tripp/the-child-s-problem-is-not-an-information-deficit-his-problem-is-that/) [Tedd Tripp](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tedd-tripp/) > [Love is life - life is wife- wife is child & child is problem .](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/asef-shirzay/love-is-life-life-is-wife-wife-is-child-child-is-problem/) Asef Shirzay > [“The hardest part is the shift we have to make in attitude. We have to stop thinking of the child as a “problem” that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/adele-faber/the-hardest-part-is-the-shift-we-have-to-make-in-attitude-we-have-to/) [Adele Faber](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/adele-faber/) > [Especially with our first child, we tend to take too much responsibility--both credit and blame--for everything. The more we wantto be good parents, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/polly-berrien-berends/especially-with-our-first-child-we-tend-to-take-too-much/) [Polly Berrien Berends](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/polly-berrien-berends/) > [By blaming others, we fail to find the real solutions to our problems and we do not carry out our own responsibilities.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jeb-bush/by-blaming-others-we-fail-to-find-the-real-solutions-to-our-problems/) [Jeb Bush](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jeb-bush/) > [Always fix the problem and not the blame](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ace-kid/always-fix-the-problem-and-not-the-blame/) [Ace Kid](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ace-kid/) ## More by Polly Berrien Berends > [Especially with our first child, we tend to take too much responsibility--both credit and blame--for everything. The more we wantto be good parents, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/polly-berrien-berends/especially-with-our-first-child-we-tend-to-take-too-much/) [Polly Berrien Berends](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/polly-berrien-berends/) > [Parenthood always comes as a shock. Postpartum blues? Postpartum panic is more like it. We set out to have a baby; what we get…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/polly-berrien-berends/parenthood-always-comes-as-a-shock-postpartum-blues-postpartum-panic/) [Polly Berrien Berends](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/polly-berrien-berends/) > [The parent is the strongest statement that the child hears regarding what it means to be alive and real. More than what we say…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/polly-berrien-berends/the-parent-is-the-strongest-statement-that-the-child-hears-regarding/) [Polly Berrien Berends](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/polly-berrien-berends/) > [Suddenly we have a baby who poops and cries, and we are trying to calm, clean up, and pin things together all at once.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/polly-berrien-berends/suddenly-we-have-a-baby-who-poops-and-cries-and-we-are-trying-to-calm/) [Polly Berrien Berends](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/polly-berrien-berends/) > [A sense of worthiness is a child's most important need.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/polly-berrien-berends/a-sense-of-worthiness-is-a-child-s-most-important-need/) [Polly Berrien Berends](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/polly-berrien-berends/) > [“The child does not begin to fall until she becomes seriously interested in walking, until she actually begins learning. Falling is thus more an…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/polly-berrien-berends/the-child-does-not-begin-to-fall-until-she-becomes-seriously/) [Polly Berrien Berends](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/polly-berrien-berends/) > [The secret is to learn to sit at the feet of your own life and be taught by it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/polly-berrien-berends/the-secret-is-to-learn-to-sit-at-the-feet-of-your-own-life-and-be/) [Polly Berrien Berends](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/polly-berrien-berends/) > [Awareness of having better things to do with their lives is the secret to immunizing our children against false values--whether presented on television or…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/polly-berrien-berends/awareness-of-having-better-things-to-do-with-their-lives-is-the/) [Polly Berrien Berends](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/polly-berrien-berends/) > [Most of us would do more for our babies than we have ever been willing to do for anyone, even ourselves.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/polly-berrien-berends/most-of-us-would-do-more-for-our-babies-than-we-have-ever-been/) [Polly Berrien Berends](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/polly-berrien-berends/) > [“If your children see that you are seeking, they will seek—the finding part is up to God.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/polly-berrien-berends/if-your-children-see-that-you-are-seeking-they-will-seek-the-finding/) [Polly Berrien Berends](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/polly-berrien-berends/) > [My list of things I never pictured myself saying when I pictured myself as a parent has grown over the years.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/polly-berrien-berends/my-list-of-things-i-never-pictured-myself-saying-when-i-pictured/) [Polly Berrien Berends](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/polly-berrien-berends/) > [Whenever the child is given the notion that he needs to be entertained, learning comes almost to a halt.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/polly-berrien-berends/whenever-the-child-is-given-the-notion-that-he-needs-to-be/) [Polly Berrien Berends](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/polly-berrien-berends/) > [We do not have to get our children to learn; only to allow and encourage them in their learning. We do not have to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/polly-berrien-berends/we-do-not-have-to-get-our-children-to-learn-only-to-allow-and/) [Polly Berrien Berends](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/polly-berrien-berends/) > [The child does not begin to fall until she becomes seriously interested in walking, until she actually begins walking. Falling is thus more an…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/polly-berrien-berends/the-child-does-not-begin-to-fall-until-she-becomes-seriously-2/) [Polly Berrien Berends](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/polly-berrien-berends/) > [We can see that the baby is as much an instrument of nourishment to us, as we are for him.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/polly-berrien-berends/we-can-see-that-the-baby-is-as-much-an-instrument-of-nourishment-to/) [Polly Berrien Berends](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/polly-berrien-berends/) [Explore all 27 Polly Berrien Berends quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/polly-berrien-berends/) ## More Blame quotes > [“I have to blame myself for not finding any way of reaching him, but I can't feel that either Ruth or I had anything…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wallace-stegner/i-have-to-blame-myself-for-not-finding-any-way-of-reaching-him-but-i/) [Wallace Stegner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/wallace-stegner/) > [Me mum used to always have the radio on - even now she has it on in every room. Me girlfriend sort of blames…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/karl-pilkington/me-mum-used-to-always-have-the-radio-on-even-now-she-has-it-on-in/) [Karl Pilkington](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/karl-pilkington/) > [I like to praise and reward loudly, to blame quietly.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/catherine-the-great/i-like-to-praise-and-reward-loudly-to-blame-quietly/) [Catherine the Great](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/catherine-the-great/) > [Some of the things that I said I hated to say, but blame yourself mother fucker you made it this way.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jedi-mind-tricks/some-of-the-things-that-i-said-i-hated-to-say-but-blame-yourself/) [Jedi Mind Tricks](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jedi-mind-tricks/) > [Holy shadows of the dead, I'm not to blame for your cruel and bitter fate, but the accursed rivalry which brought sister nations and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alexander-the-great/holy-shadows-of-the-dead-i-m-not-to-blame-for-your-cruel-and-bitter/) [Alexander the Great](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alexander-the-great/) > [“In places where government priorities and market imperatives create a world so capricious that to help a neighbor is to risk your ability to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/katherine-boo/in-places-where-government-priorities-and-market-imperatives-create-a/) [Katherine Boo](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/katherine-boo/) > [“Stop Blaming Others For Your Own Actions”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alexis-g-roldan/stop-blaming-others-for-your-own-actions/) [Alexis G. Roldan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alexis-g-roldan/) > [We know from this book entitled... What is it? Surrendered? Succumbed? I can never remember the title perform. And we learn from this book…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rush-limbaugh/we-know-from-this-book-entitled-what-is-it-surrendered-succumbed-i/) [Rush Limbaugh](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rush-limbaugh/) > [I don't blame anyone .. I did this to myself .. It's my fault .. Everything is my FAULT ...](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nurnizz95/i-don-t-blame-anyone-i-did-this-to-myself-it-s-my-fault-everything-is/) Nurnizz95 > [“They would congratulate themselves every morning on keeping their integrity, and blame themselves each night for that missed opportunity.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paulo-coelho/they-would-congratulate-themselves-every-morning-on-keeping-their/) [Paulo Coelho](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paulo-coelho/) > [I try to live my life where I end up at a point where I have no regrets. So I try to choose the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/darren-aronofsky/i-try-to-live-my-life-where-i-end-up-at-a-point-where-i-have-no/) [Darren Aronofsky](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/darren-aronofsky/) > [How come you don't feel that magic in the air? I guess I knew you'll never be there. I guess I knew you never…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/how-come-you-don-t-feel-that-magic-in-the-air-i-guess-i-knew-you-ll/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) > [I am down mentally. I can't understand how it happened and who is to blame? I don't know why the ground was rolled before…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/yeasin-khan/i-am-down-mentally-i-can-t-understand-how-it-happened-and-who-is-to/) Yeasin Khan > [A refusal to admit one's mistake & not accepting responsibility for that mistake by blaming everyone else, is d beginning of one's decline.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/a-refusal-to-admit-one-s-mistake-not-accepting-responsibility-for/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) > [Listen, the guy was not created by coverage from MSNBC and CNN. If you want to blame us for making Donald Trump president because…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/katy-tur/listen-the-guy-was-not-created-by-coverage-from-msnbc-and-cnn-if-you/) [Katy Tur](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/katy-tur/) Browse all 3,779 Blame quotes ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The trouble with most problem-solving books for parents is that they start with the idea that the child has a problem. Then they try to tell us how to fix the child, or else, after blaming the parent, they suggest how we can fix ourselves.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Polly Berrien Berends" }, "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/polly-berrien-berends/the-trouble-with-most-problem-solving-books-for-parents-is-that-they/", "about": { "@type": "Thing", "name": "Blame" }, "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/polly-berrien-berends/the-trouble-with-most-problem-solving-books-for-parents-is-that-they/#quotation", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/912/polly-berrien-berends-22615_blame_the-trouble-with-most-problem-solving-bo_224429.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/912/polly-berrien-berends-22615_blame_the-trouble-with-most-problem-solving-bo_224429.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/912/polly-berrien-berends-22615_blame_the-trouble-with-most-problem-solving-bo_224429.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The trouble with most problem-solving books for parents is that they start with the idea that the child has…” — Polly Berrien Berends", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } }, { "@type": "BreadcrumbList", "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "name": "Home", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "name": "Quotes", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "name": "Polly Berrien Berends", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/polly-berrien-berends/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "name": "The trouble with most problem-solving books...", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/polly-berrien-berends/the-trouble-with-most-problem-solving-books-for-parents-is-that-they/" } ], "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/polly-berrien-berends/the-trouble-with-most-problem-solving-books-for-parents-is-that-they/#breadcrumb" }, { "@type": "WebSite", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "publisher": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } }, { "@type": "Organization", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "logo": { "@type": "ImageObject", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/themes/sq/assets/icons/icon-512.png", "width": 512, "height": 512 } } ] } ```