--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: She had to defend him in order to defend…" description: "\"“She had to defend him in order to defend herself. That was why people were so prickly about their partners, even their ex-partners. To admit that Dunc..." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/47c/nick-hornby-325_exes_she-had-to-defend-him-in-order-to-defend_110468.png" --- # She had to defend him in order to defend herself. That was… ![“She had to defend him in order to defend herself. That was why people were so prickly about their partners, even their ex-partners. To admit that Duncan wasn't up to much was to own up publicly to the terrible waste of time, and terrible lapses in judgment and taste. She had stuck up for Spandau…” quote by Nick Hornby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/47c/nick-hornby-325_exes_she-had-to-defend-him-in-order-to-defend_110468.png) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/47c/nick-hornby-325_exes_she-had-to-defend-him-in-order-to-defend_110468.png) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/47c/nick-hornby-325_exes_she-had-to-defend-him-in-order-to-defend_110468.png) > ““She had to defend him in order to defend herself. That was why people were so prickly about their partners, even their ex-partners. To admit that Duncan wasn't up to much was to own up publicly to the terrible waste of time, and terrible lapses in judgment and taste. She had stuck up for Spandau Ballet in just the same way at school, even after she had stopped liking them.”” [Nick Hornby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nick-hornby/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. Defending a partner becomes a way of defending oneself; criticism of a partner can feel like a personal indictment, exposing insecurities about judgment and taste. **In simple terms:** Defending a partner protects self‑image. Key Takeaway Partner criticism mirrors self‑judgment. Themes relationships identity criticism self‑esteem Mood wry introspective Type observation psychological When to use this quote - friendship disputes - romantic break‑ups - online fandom debates Key Concepts social validation defensive behavior Practical Applications - self‑reflection exercises Questions to Reflect On - When does defending a partner become self‑defense? - How can one separate personal worth from a partner's actions? A Different Perspective Over‑identifying with a partner can obscure personal accountability. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Admit Duncan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/admit-duncan-1312243/) [Defend People](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/defend-people-842547/) [Duncan Wasn](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/duncan-wasn-1312242/) [Ex Partners](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ex-partners-1312244/) [Exes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/exes/) [Partners Ex](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/partners-ex-1312245/) [Rationalizations](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/rationalizations/) [Self justification](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/self-justification/) [Time](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/time/) [Waste of time](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/waste-of-time/) [Wasted time](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/wasted-time/) ## Related quotes > [Ex partners play a very important role in our destiny; they make us see what we definitely dont want, so what we do want…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/ex-partners-play-a-very-important-role-in-our-destiny-they-make-us/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) > [I wish that every HEARTACHE would be a LESSON. And I hope that EX-PARTNERS are like professors who will say, Any question before we…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/laine/i-wish-that-every-heartache-would-be-a-lesson-and-i-hope-that-ex/) [Laine](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/laine/) > [Advice you give to others about ex partners, always take yourself.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/holly/advice-you-give-to-others-about-ex-partners-always-take-yourself/) [Holly](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/holly/) > [A neurosis defends itself by coming up with rationalizations to explain away bizarre behavior.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-brin/a-neurosis-defends-itself-by-coming-up-with-rationalizations-to/) [David Brin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-brin/) > [Proposals to forbid golf courses have about the same motivations as proposals to forbid skate boarding, although the rationalizations are different.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-mccarthy/proposals-to-forbid-golf-courses-have-about-the-same-motivations-as/) [John McCarthy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-mccarthy/) > [Great rationalizations. All of which her adrenal gland middle-fingered and then carried right on.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/j-r-ward/great-rationalizations-all-of-which-her-adrenal-gland-middle-fingered/) [J.R. Ward](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/j-r-ward/) > [People who attack others need rationalizations for doing so. We undermine those rationalizations.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/barbara-deming/people-who-attack-others-need-rationalizations-for-doing-so-we/) [Barbara Deming](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/barbara-deming/) > [“Life is just action and reaction, rationalizations are added later on”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ibn-e-safi/life-is-just-action-and-reaction-rationalizations-are-added-later-on/) [Ibn-e-Safi](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ibn-e-safi/) > [But the nature of the universe is such that the ends never justify the means. On the contrary, the means always determine the end.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/aldous-huxley/but-the-nature-of-the-universe-is-such-that-the-ends-never-justify/) [Aldous Huxley](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/aldous-huxley/) > [“It’s time we stand up and demand more of the fathers of this world. It’s time we stop buying into their rationalizations and their…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dan-pearce/it-s-time-we-stand-up-and-demand-more-of-the-fathers-of-this-world-it/) [Dan Pearce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dan-pearce/) > [The endless, agonizing recycling of what might have been, soon followed by a litany of rationalizations and self-deceptions as you struggle to reconcile the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/the-endless-agonizing-recycling-of-what-might-have-been-soon-followed/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) > [Our emotional mind will harness the rational mind to its purposes, for our feelings and reactions-- rationalizations-- justifying them in terms of the present…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-goleman/our-emotional-mind-will-harness-the-rational-mind-to-its-purposes-for/) [Daniel Goleman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-goleman/) > [Don't knock rationalization. Where would we be without it? I don't know anyone who'd get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jeff-goldblum/don-t-knock-rationalization-where-would-we-be-without-it-i-don-t-know/) [Jeff Goldblum](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jeff-goldblum/) > [It is important to rise above rationalizations and make the best choices.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/quentin-l-cook/it-is-important-to-rise-above-rationalizations-and-make-the-best/) [Quentin L. Cook](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/quentin-l-cook/) > [“Not to be rude, but it was all pointless," I noted from across the room. Four eyes narrowed at me. "What? I said 'not…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/molly-harper/not-to-be-rude-but-it-was-all-pointless-i-noted-from-across-the-room/) [Molly Harper](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/molly-harper/) ## More by Nick Hornby > [You can wait forever for the muse to sit on your shoulder, but most of the time you know what has to be done…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nick-hornby/you-can-wait-forever-for-the-muse-to-sit-on-your-shoulder-but-most-of/) [Nick Hornby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nick-hornby/) > […I've had a bad week." What's happened?" Nothing's happened. I've had a bad week in my head, is all.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nick-hornby/i-ve-had-a-bad-week-what-s-happened-nothing-s-happened-i-ve-had-a-bad/) [Nick Hornby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nick-hornby/) > [“When they – I cannot bring myself to use the first-person plural in this instance.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nick-hornby/when-they-i-cannot-bring-myself-to-use-the-first-person-plural-in/) [Nick Hornby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nick-hornby/) > [“What you don't ever catch a glimpse of on your wedding day - because how could you? - is that some days you will…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nick-hornby/what-you-don-t-ever-catch-a-glimpse-of-on-your-wedding-day-because/) [Nick Hornby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nick-hornby/) > [A good compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. 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I wasted every minute at Cambridge talking to people who knew more about music than I did.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nick-hornby/i-wasted-the-1980s-i-wasted-every-minute-at-cambridge-talking-to/) [Nick Hornby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nick-hornby/) > [“I took her outside on to a little roof terrace that looked like it never got the sun at nay time of the day…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nick-hornby/i-took-her-outside-on-to-a-little-roof-terrace-that-looked-like-it/) [Nick Hornby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nick-hornby/) > [“I feel as though I have been having conversations like this all my life. None of us is young anymore, but what has just…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nick-hornby/i-feel-as-though-i-have-been-having-conversations-like-this-all-my/) [Nick Hornby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nick-hornby/) > [“I'm OK. Really. I can find people. I'll be all right.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nick-hornby/i-m-ok-really-i-can-find-people-i-ll-be-all-right/) [Nick Hornby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nick-hornby/) > [“Read any women's magazine and you'll see the same complaint over and over again: men - those little boys ten or twenty or thirty…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nick-hornby/read-any-women-s-magazine-and-you-ll-see-the-same-complaint-over-and/) [Nick Hornby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nick-hornby/) > [“Defansçılar her zaman forvetçilerden daha iyi analizcilerdir.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nick-hornby/defans-lar-her-zaman-forvet-ilerden-daha-iyi-analizcilerdir/) [Nick Hornby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nick-hornby/) > [On New Year's Eve he ould make a resolution to recover some his previous scepticism, but until then he would do as the Romans…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nick-hornby/on-new-year-s-eve-he-ould-make-a-resolution-to-recover-some-his/) [Nick Hornby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nick-hornby/) > [It's no good looking to writers for definitions of what constitutes proper writing, because you will drive yourself crazy, and you won't find anything…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nick-hornby/it-s-no-good-looking-to-writers-for-definitions-of-what-constitutes/) [Nick Hornby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nick-hornby/) [Explore all 645 Nick Hornby quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nick-hornby/) ## More Exes quotes > [“There are exes with whom it is too dangerous to allow even a moment’s eye contact. These are not exes at all, and never…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/josh-wagner/there-are-exes-with-whom-it-is-too-dangerous-to-allow-even-a-moment-s/) [Josh Wagner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/josh-wagner/) > [There was a man named Robert Dear who in court said he was a warrior for the babies, whose ex-wife talked about his Christian…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/chris-hayes/there-was-a-man-named-robert-dear-who-in-court-said-he-was-a-warrior/) [Chris Hayes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/chris-hayes/) > [Some of my best sources are ex-policemen, just to get a feeling of what it's like to be one. And it's quite different from…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/terry-pratchett/some-of-my-best-sources-are-ex-policemen-just-to-get-a-feeling-of/) [Terry Pratchett](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/terry-pratchett/) > [Ex-Professor Moriarty of mathematical celebrity... is the Napoleon of crime, Watson.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/arthur-conan-doyle/ex-professor-moriarty-of-mathematical-celebrity-is-the-napoleon-of/) [Arthur Conan Doyle](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/arthur-conan-doyle/) > [“When you enter your next relationship, you become the person you split up with.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gina-barreca/when-you-enter-your-next-relationship-you-become-the-person-you-split/) [Gina Barreca](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gina-barreca/) > [ I remember having some problems with \[the Deus Ex theme\] when I first heard it and I was trying to figure out how to… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/warren-spector/i-remember-having-some-problems-with-the-deus-ex-theme-when-i-first/) [Warren Spector](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/warren-spector/) > [My ex-wife was trying to be nice once, so she took me to a concert in Los Angeles. I went with her to Symphony…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/b-b-king/my-ex-wife-was-trying-to-be-nice-once-so-she-took-me-to-a-concert-in/) [B. B. King](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/b-b-king/) > [I hate when exes say, I'm here if you need me. Bitch, Where the fuck were you when we were together? Fuck outta here!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/i-hate-when-exes-say-i-m-here-if-you-need-me-bitch-where-the-fuck/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) > [The drink? Yes, I've had tough times in my life, especially the last year, regarding my ex-wife, my kids, I nearly broke my neck,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-gascoigne/the-drink-yes-i-ve-had-tough-times-in-my-life-especially-the-last/) [Paul Gascoigne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-gascoigne/) > [Former lefties can make a good living in the media by attacking their ex-comrades - I'd do it myself if the price was right.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nick-cohen/former-lefties-can-make-a-good-living-in-the-media-by-attacking-their/) [Nick Cohen](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nick-cohen/) > [There's this whole post-modern, nuevo beatnik, retro-bohemian thing going on, you know what I mean? 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Spirituality exists in mediating on your own inner body.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/amit-ray/spirituality-does-not-lie-in-meditating-on-the-body-of-an-ex-master/) [Amit Ray](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/amit-ray/) > [It's about prioritizing. Just take it one step at a time. Do the best that you can. I'm a mom and I have two…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kimora-lee-simmons/it-s-about-prioritizing-just-take-it-one-step-at-a-time-do-the-best/) [Kimora Lee Simmons](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kimora-lee-simmons/) [Browse all 548 Exes quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/exes/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“She had to defend him in order to defend herself. That was why people were so prickly about their partners, even their ex-partners. To admit that Duncan wasn't up to much was to own up publicly to the terrible waste of time, and terrible lapses in judgment and taste. 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