--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: I have sometimes said to a client: “If…" description: "\"“I have sometimes said to a client: “If you are so in touch with your feelings from your abusive childhood, then you should know what abuse feels like...." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a34/lundy-bancroft-6837_abuse_i-have-sometimes-said-to-a-client-if-you_2255270.jpg" --- # I have sometimes said to a client: “If you are so in touch… ![“I have sometimes said to a client: “If you are so in touch with your feelings from your abusive childhood, then you should know what abuse feels like. You should be able to remember how miserable it was to be cut down to nothing, to be put in fear, to be told that the abuse is your own fault. You…” quote by Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a34/lundy-bancroft-6837_abuse_i-have-sometimes-said-to-a-client-if-you_2255270.jpg) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a34/lundy-bancroft-6837_abuse_i-have-sometimes-said-to-a-client-if-you_2255270.jpg) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a34/lundy-bancroft-6837_abuse_i-have-sometimes-said-to-a-client-if-you_2255270.jpg) > ““I have sometimes said to a client: “If you are so in touch with your feelings from your abusive childhood, then you should know what abuse feels like. You should be able to remember how miserable it was to be cut down to nothing, to be put in fear, to be told that the abuse is your own fault. You should be less likely to abuse a woman, not more so, from having been through it.” Once I make this point, he generally stops mentioning his terrible childhood; he only wants to draw attention to it if it’s an excuse to stay the same, not if it’s a reason to change.”” [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. The speaker argues that personal trauma does not excuse future abusive behavior; accountability outweighs victimhood. **In simple terms:** Trauma isn’t a justification for harming others. Key Takeaway Take responsibility for actions despite past pain. Themes accountability trauma abuse personal growth Mood reflective serious Type ethical therapeutic When to use this quote - therapy sessions - self‑reflection - relationship counseling - legal testimony Key Concepts psychology ethical responsibility empathy Questions to Reflect On - How can we separate empathy for trauma from condoning harmful actions? - What supports help break abusive patterns? A Different Perspective Victims may still repeat cycles without intervention. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Abuse](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/abuse/) [Abuser](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/abuser/) [Abusive-men](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/abusive-men/) [Abusive-partners](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/abusive-partners/) [Abusive-relationships](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/abusive-relationships/) [Childhood-abuse](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/childhood-abuse/) [Children](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/children/) [Domestic abuse](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/domestic-abuse/) [Fear](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/fear/) ## Related quotes > [“Your husband's abuse of you feels "normal" to him. 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There is evidence that certain…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/alcohol-has-no-biological-connection-to-abuse-or-violence-alcohol/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“The symptoms of abuse are there, and the woman usually sees them: the escalating frequency of put-downs. Early generosity turning more and more to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/the-symptoms-of-abuse-are-there-and-the-woman-usually-sees-them-the/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“HE ISN’T ABUSIVE BECAUSE HE IS ANGRY; HE’S ANGRY BECAUSE HE’S ABUSIVE.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/he-isn-t-abusive-because-he-is-angry-he-s-angry-because-he-s-abusive/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“When we hear these kinds of excuses from a drunk, we assume they are exactly that—excuses. We don’t consider an active alcoholic a reliable…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/when-we-hear-these-kinds-of-excuses-from-a-drunk-we-assume-they-are/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [But whether you stay or go, the critical decision you can make is to stop letting your partner distort the lens of your life,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/but-whether-you-stay-or-go-the-critical-decision-you-can-make-is-to/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) ## More by Lundy Bancroft > [But whether you stay or go, the critical decision you can make is to stop letting your partner distort the lens of your life,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/but-whether-you-stay-or-go-the-critical-decision-you-can-make-is-to/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“On some level he hopes that his ability to transport you sexually will tie you to him, so that he can have power over…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/on-some-level-he-hopes-that-his-ability-to-transport-you-sexually/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“When people conclude that anger causes abuse, they are confusing cause and effect. 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Anything that could be even remotely associated…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/the-central-attitudes-driving-rambo-are-strength-and-aggressiveness/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“HE ISN’T ABUSIVE BECAUSE HE IS ANGRY; HE’S ANGRY BECAUSE HE’S ABUSIVE.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/he-isn-t-abusive-because-he-is-angry-he-s-angry-because-he-s-abusive/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“The symptoms of abuse are there, and the woman usually sees them: the escalating frequency of put-downs. Early generosity turning more and more to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/the-symptoms-of-abuse-are-there-and-the-woman-usually-sees-them-the/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“ALCOHOL HAS NO BIOLOGICAL CONNECTION TO ABUSE OR VIOLENCE Alcohol does not directly make people belligerent, aggressive, or violent. There is evidence that certain…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/alcohol-has-no-biological-connection-to-abuse-or-violence-alcohol/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“The central attitudes driving the Terrorist are: You have no right to defy me or leave me. Your life is in my hands. Women…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/the-central-attitudes-driving-the-terrorist-are-you-have-no-right-to/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“Boys’ aggressiveness is increasingly being treated as a medical problem, particularly in schools, a trend that has led to the diagnosing and medicating of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/boys-aggressiveness-is-increasingly-being-treated-as-a-medical/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) [Explore all 97 Lundy Bancroft quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) ## More Abuse quotes > [I wrote when I was a young teen, but I didn't put an eye on the available markets until I was seventeen. The next…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/robert-reed/i-wrote-when-i-was-a-young-teen-but-i-didn-t-put-an-eye-on-the/) [Robert Reed](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/robert-reed/) > [Amongst the financial Twitterati, the term 'muppets' has come to describe any client used and abused by some financial predator. I've adopted the term…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/barry-ritholtz/amongst-the-financial-twitterati-the-term-muppets-has-come-to/) [Barry Ritholtz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/barry-ritholtz/) > [Being nice is okay,but don't allow anybody to abuse it...try to fight for your self when you know your on the right way...](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/being-nice-is-okay-but-don-t-allow-anybody-to-abuse-it-try-to-fight/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) > [“Build a bridge over shame by teaching kids about sexual abuse. Give them a chance to run to us should they encounter it. Be…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/carolyn-byers-ruch/build-a-bridge-over-shame-by-teaching-kids-about-sexual-abuse-give/) [Carolyn Byers Ruch](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/carolyn-byers-ruch/) > [It is sure that those are most desirous of honour or glory who cry out loudest of its abuse and the vanity of the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/baruch-spinoza/it-is-sure-that-those-are-most-desirous-of-honour-or-glory-who-cry/) [Baruch Spinoza](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/baruch-spinoza/) > [“The sole reason I stand to open it up now is that lots of people who are in pain just like I was, and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/patricia-dsouza/the-sole-reason-i-stand-to-open-it-up-now-is-that-lots-of-people-who/) [Patricia Dsouza](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/patricia-dsouza/) > [Democracy must be built through open societies that share information. When there is information, there is enlightenment. When there is debate, there are solutions.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/atifete-jahjaga/democracy-must-be-built-through-open-societies-that-share-information/) [Atifete Jahjaga](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/atifete-jahjaga/) > [I have a theory that all abuse, no matter what kind of abuse it is, is foremost an assault on the mind.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tara-westover/i-have-a-theory-that-all-abuse-no-matter-what-kind-of-abuse-it-is-is/) [Tara Westover](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tara-westover/) > [“Blaming therapy, social work and other caring professions for the confabulation of testimony of 'satanic ritual abuse' legitimated a programme of political and social…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/michael-salter/blaming-therapy-social-work-and-other-caring-professions-for-the/) [Michael Salter](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/michael-salter/) > [Finally, the scariest thing about abuse of any shape or form, is, in my opinion, not the abuse itself, but that if it continues…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alan-cumming/finally-the-scariest-thing-about-abuse-of-any-shape-or-form-is-in-my/) [Alan Cumming](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alan-cumming/) > [“Research on organised abuse emphasises the diversity of organised abuse cases, and the ways in which serious forms of child maltreatment cluster in the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/michael-salter/research-on-organised-abuse-emphasises-the-diversity-of-organised/) [Michael Salter](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/michael-salter/) > [“Stand up for yourself. Never give any one permission to abuse you.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lailah-gifty-akita/stand-up-for-yourself-never-give-any-one-permission-to-abuse-you/) [Lailah Gifty Akita](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lailah-gifty-akita/) > [All governments should be pressured to correct their abuses of human rights.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/richard-stallman/all-governments-should-be-pressured-to-correct-their-abuses-of-human/) [Richard Stallman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/richard-stallman/) > [“Words are free. It does not mean you should abuse them. Be kind with them. They will mirror your actions.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/hadinet-tekie/words-are-free-it-does-not-mean-you-should-abuse-them-be-kind-with/) [Hadinet Tekie](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/hadinet-tekie/) > [My illness is one often characterized by dramatic overspending - in my case through frenzied shopping sprees, credit card abuse, excessive hoarding of unnecessary…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/andy-behrman/my-illness-is-one-often-characterized-by-dramatic-overspending-in-my/) [Andy Behrman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/andy-behrman/) [Browse all 3,113 Abuse quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/abuse/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“I have sometimes said to a client: “If you are so in touch with your feelings from your abusive childhood, then you should know what abuse feels like. 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