--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: Abused women aren't \"codependent.\" It is…" description: "\"“Abused women aren't \"codependent.\" It is abusers, not their partners, who create abusive relationships.”\" — Lundy Bancroft" image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/983/lundy-bancroft-6837_abused-women_abused-women-aren-t-codependent-it-is-ab_1516017.jpg" --- # Abused women aren't "codependent." It is abusers, not… ![“Abused women aren't "codependent." It is abusers, not their partners, who create abusive relationships.” quote by Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/983/lundy-bancroft-6837_abused-women_abused-women-aren-t-codependent-it-is-ab_1516017.jpg) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/983/lundy-bancroft-6837_abused-women_abused-women-aren-t-codependent-it-is-ab_1516017.jpg) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/983/lundy-bancroft-6837_abused-women_abused-women-aren-t-codependent-it-is-ab_1516017.jpg) > ““Abused women aren't "codependent." It is abusers, not their partners, who create abusive relationships.”” [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. Abusive dynamics stem from the abuser’s control, not the partner’s dependence. **In simple terms:** Abusers create abuse, not victims. Key Takeaway Recognize and address the abuser’s behavior. Themes relationships abuse power dynamics Mood empathetic serious Type educational awareness When to use this quote - counseling sessions - support groups - legal advice Key Concepts codependency control responsibility Questions to Reflect On - How can you support a partner without blaming them? - What signs indicate an abuser’s manipulation? A Different Perspective Abusers may also be victims of trauma, complicating accountability. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Abused women](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/abused-women/) [Abusers](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/abusers/) [Abusers Partners](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/abusers-partners-5591688/) [Abusive Relationships](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/abusive-relationships-2/) [Codependent Abusers](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/codependent-abusers-5591687/) ## Related quotes > [“IN ONE IMPORTANT WAY, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/in-one-important-way-an-abusive-man-works-like-a-magician-his-tricks/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“The abuser’s mood changes are especially perplexing. He can be a different person from day to day, or even from hour to hour. At…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/the-abuser-s-mood-changes-are-especially-perplexing-he-can-be-a/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/an-abuser-can-seem-emotionally-needy-you-can-get-caught-in-a-trap-of/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [Never believe a man's claim that he has to harm his partner in order to protect her; only abusers think this way.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/never-believe-a-man-s-claim-that-he-has-to-harm-his-partner-in-order/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don’t seem like abusers. They have many good…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/one-of-the-obstacles-to-recognizing-chronic-mistreatment-in/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [It is not possible to be truly balanced in one's views of an abuser and an abused woman. As Dr. Judith Herman explains eloquently…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/it-is-not-possible-to-be-truly-balanced-in-one-s-views-of-an-abuser/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [Abusive relationships are like being addicted a bad drug. 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In…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/the-scars-from-mental-cruelty-can-be-as-deep-and-long-lasting-as/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“Objectification is a critical reason why an abuser tends to get worse over time. As his conscience adapts to one level of cruelty—or violence—he…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/objectification-is-a-critical-reason-why-an-abuser-tends-to-get-worse/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“The symptoms of abuse are there, and the woman usually sees them: the escalating frequency of put-downs. Early generosity turning more and more to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/the-symptoms-of-abuse-are-there-and-the-woman-usually-sees-them-the/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“The woman knows from living with the abusive man that there are no simple answers. Friends say: “He’s mean.” But she knows many ways…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/the-woman-knows-from-living-with-the-abusive-man-that-there-are-no/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) ## More by Lundy Bancroft > [But whether you stay or go, the critical decision you can make is to stop letting your partner distort the lens of your life,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/but-whether-you-stay-or-go-the-critical-decision-you-can-make-is-to/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“On some level he hopes that his ability to transport you sexually will tie you to him, so that he can have power over…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/on-some-level-he-hopes-that-his-ability-to-transport-you-sexually/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“When people conclude that anger causes abuse, they are confusing cause and effect. 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These courts are siding over…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/few-people-are-aware-of-the-severe-human-rights-violations-committed/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“The woman knows from living with the abusive man that there are no simple answers. Friends say: “He’s mean.” But she knows many ways…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/the-woman-knows-from-living-with-the-abusive-man-that-there-are-no/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“In short, the abusive mentality is the mentality of oppression.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/in-short-the-abusive-mentality-is-the-mentality-of-oppression/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“When we hear these kinds of excuses from a drunk, we assume they are exactly that—excuses. We don’t consider an active alcoholic a reliable…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/when-we-hear-these-kinds-of-excuses-from-a-drunk-we-assume-they-are/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“Abuse is not his goal, but control is, and he finds himself using abuse to gain the control he feels he has a right…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/abuse-is-not-his-goal-but-control-is-and-he-finds-himself-using-abuse/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“The central attitudes driving Rambo are: Strength and aggressiveness are good; compassion and conflict resolution are bad. Anything that could be even remotely associated…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/the-central-attitudes-driving-rambo-are-strength-and-aggressiveness/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“HE ISN’T ABUSIVE BECAUSE HE IS ANGRY; HE’S ANGRY BECAUSE HE’S ABUSIVE.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/he-isn-t-abusive-because-he-is-angry-he-s-angry-because-he-s-abusive/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“The symptoms of abuse are there, and the woman usually sees them: the escalating frequency of put-downs. Early generosity turning more and more to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/the-symptoms-of-abuse-are-there-and-the-woman-usually-sees-them-the/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“ALCOHOL HAS NO BIOLOGICAL CONNECTION TO ABUSE OR VIOLENCE Alcohol does not directly make people belligerent, aggressive, or violent. There is evidence that certain…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/alcohol-has-no-biological-connection-to-abuse-or-violence-alcohol/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“The central attitudes driving the Terrorist are: You have no right to defy me or leave me. Your life is in my hands. Women…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/the-central-attitudes-driving-the-terrorist-are-you-have-no-right-to/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“Boys’ aggressiveness is increasingly being treated as a medical problem, particularly in schools, a trend that has led to the diagnosing and medicating of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/boys-aggressiveness-is-increasingly-being-treated-as-a-medical/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) [Explore all 97 Lundy Bancroft quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) ## More Abused women quotes > [I have been a long-time advocate for a just Arab-Israeli peace and for Palestinian refugees. 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Foster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/vanessa-g-foster/) > [“Consider these traditional theories of domestic abuse: - Learned helplessness suggest that abused women learn to become helpless under abusive conditions; they are powerless…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/susan-weitzman/consider-these-traditional-theories-of-domestic-abuse-learned/) [Susan Weitzman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/susan-weitzman/) > [“The symptoms of abuse are there, and the woman usually sees them: the escalating frequency of put-downs. Early generosity turning more and more to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/the-symptoms-of-abuse-are-there-and-the-woman-usually-sees-them-the/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [“He knew exactly how to hit a woman, so that the marks hardly showed. He knew how to kiss her, too, so that her…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alice-hoffman/he-knew-exactly-how-to-hit-a-woman-so-that-the-marks-hardly-showed-he/) [Alice Hoffman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alice-hoffman/) > [“Objectification is a critical reason why an abuser tends to get worse over time. As his conscience adapts to one level of cruelty—or violence—he…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/objectification-is-a-critical-reason-why-an-abuser-tends-to-get-worse/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) > [Nobody, nobody, perhaps in the history of politics was worse to women or abused women more than Bill Clinton.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/donald-trump/nobody-nobody-perhaps-in-the-history-of-politics-was-worse-to-women/) [Donald Trump](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/donald-trump/) > [ That worries me an awful lot. 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As Dr. Judith Herman explains eloquently…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/it-is-not-possible-to-be-truly-balanced-in-one-s-views-of-an-abuser/) [Lundy Bancroft](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/) [Browse all 56 Abused women quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/abused-women/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Abused women aren't \"codependent.\" It is abusers, not their partners, who create abusive relationships.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Lundy Bancroft" }, "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/abused-women-aren-t-codependent-it-is-abusers-not-their-partners-who/", "about": { "@type": "Thing", "name": "Abused women" }, "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/abused-women-aren-t-codependent-it-is-abusers-not-their-partners-who/#quotation", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/983/lundy-bancroft-6837_abused-women_abused-women-aren-t-codependent-it-is-ab_1516017.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/983/lundy-bancroft-6837_abused-women_abused-women-aren-t-codependent-it-is-ab_1516017.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/983/lundy-bancroft-6837_abused-women_abused-women-aren-t-codependent-it-is-ab_1516017.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Abused women aren't \"codependent.\" It is abusers, not their partners, who create abusive relationships.” — Lundy Bancroft", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } }, { "@type": "BreadcrumbList", "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "name": "Home", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "name": "Quotes", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "name": "Lundy Bancroft", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lundy-bancroft/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "name": "“Abused women aren't \"codependent.\" It is...", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/abused-women-aren-t-codependent-it-is-abusers-not-their-partners-who/" } ], "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lundy-bancroft/abused-women-aren-t-codependent-it-is-abusers-not-their-partners-who/#breadcrumb" }, { "@type": "WebSite", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "publisher": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } }, { "@type": "Organization", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "logo": { "@type": "ImageObject", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/themes/sq/assets/icons/icon-512.png", "width": 512, "height": 512 } } ] } ```