--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: I cannot think of those years without…" description: "\"“I cannot think of those years without horror, loathing and heartache. I killed men in war and challenged men to duels in order to kill them. I lost at..." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/486/leo-tolstoy-55_ten-years_i-cannot-think-of-those-years-without-ho_2486182.png" --- # I cannot think of those years without horror, loathing and… ![“I cannot think of those years without horror, loathing and heartache. I killed men in war and challenged men to duels in order to kill them. I lost at cards, consumed the labour of the peasants, sentenced them to punishments, lived loosely, and deceived people. Lying, robbery, adultery of all…” quote by Leo Tolstoy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/486/leo-tolstoy-55_ten-years_i-cannot-think-of-those-years-without-ho_2486182.png) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/486/leo-tolstoy-55_ten-years_i-cannot-think-of-those-years-without-ho_2486182.png) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/486/leo-tolstoy-55_ten-years_i-cannot-think-of-those-years-without-ho_2486182.png) > ““I cannot think of those years without horror, loathing and heartache. I killed men in war and challenged men to duels in order to kill them. I lost at cards, consumed the labour of the peasants, sentenced them to punishments, lived loosely, and deceived people. Lying, robbery, adultery of all kinds, drunkenness, violence, murder--there was no crime I did not commit, and in spite of that people praised my conduct and my contemporaries considered and consider me to be a comparatively moral man. So I lived for ten years. During that time I began to write from vanity, covetousness, and pride. In my writings I did the same as in my life. to get fame and money, for the sake of which I wrote, it was necessary to hide the good and to display the evil. and I did so. How often in my writings I contrived to hide under the guise of indifference, or even of banter, those strivings of mine towards goodness which gave meaning to my life! And I succeeded in this and was praised.”” [Leo Tolstoy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/leo-tolstoy/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. The narrator confesses a life of moral contradictions, committing crimes yet being praised, and using writing to mask virtue while showcasing vice. **In simple terms:** A man lives badly yet is praised, and hides his goodness in his work. Key Takeaway Recognize and own your true motives. Themes morality hypocrisy self‑deception vanity Mood conflicted reflective Type confessional literary When to use this quote - political leadership - creative writing - personal reflection - public image Key Concepts ethical relativism psychology of reputation literary confession Questions to Reflect On - How do you reconcile public praise with private guilt? - What motivates you to hide your good deeds? A Different Perspective Even praised individuals may conceal virtue behind vice. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [People Lying](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/people-lying/) [War](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/war/) [Writing](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/writing/) ## Related quotes > [Vanity is so anchored in the heart of man that a soldier, a soldier's servant, a cook, a porter brags and wishes to have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/blaise-pascal/vanity-is-so-anchored-in-the-heart-of-man-that-a-soldier-a-soldier-s/) [Blaise Pascal](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/blaise-pascal/) > [Those who write against vanity want the glory of having written well, and their readers the glory of reading well, and I who write…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/blaise-pascal/those-who-write-against-vanity-want-the-glory-of-having-written-well/) [Blaise Pascal](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/blaise-pascal/) > [“I am persecuted because of my writings, I think, therefore, that I should write some more.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/i-am-persecuted-because-of-my-writings-i-think-therefore-that-i/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) > [In his writings, Patton was shameless about his ambition to woo Lena to be his bride. He detailed the gradual progress he made, playing…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/brandon-mull/in-his-writings-patton-was-shameless-about-his-ambition-to-woo-lena/) [Brandon Mull](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/brandon-mull/) > [The censors have always had a field day with James Joyce, specifically with 'Ulysses,' but also with his other writings. The conventional wisdom is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/karen-decrow/the-censors-have-always-had-a-field-day-with-james-joyce-specifically/) [Karen DeCrow](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/karen-decrow/) > [The writings and the recommendations of the earliest medical scientists and the new breed of clinicians between the mid-fifteenth and early seventeenth centuries were…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sherwin-b-nuland/the-writings-and-the-recommendations-of-the-earliest-medical/) [Sherwin B. Nuland](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sherwin-b-nuland/) > [Good writings are never born from people chilling around. Good writings are born from within the piles and folds of pain and injustice.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ritu-ghatourey/good-writings-are-never-born-from-people-chilling-around-good/) [Ritu Ghatourey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ritu-ghatourey/) > [“We open our mouths and out flow words whose ancestries we do not even know. We are walking lexicons. In a single sentence of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/penelope-lively/we-open-our-mouths-and-out-flow-words-whose-ancestries-we-do-not-even/) [Penelope Lively](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/penelope-lively/) > [In fact, there are very important writings of Marx which are not even translated into English.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erich-fromm/in-fact-there-are-very-important-writings-of-marx-which-are-not-even/) [Erich Fromm](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erich-fromm/) > [In my lifetime I was to write only one book, this would be the one. Just as the past Lingers in the present, all…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/elie-wiesel/in-my-lifetime-i-was-to-write-only-one-book-this-would-be-the-one/) [Elie Wiesel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elie-wiesel/) > [The trick is: how do you talk about natural selection without implying the rigidity of law? We use it as almost an active participant,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/greg-graffin/the-trick-is-how-do-you-talk-about-natural-selection-without-implying/) [Greg Graffin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/greg-graffin/) > [A writer will not keep quiet. He will express his opinion through writings.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gulzar/a-writer-will-not-keep-quiet-he-will-express-his-opinion-through/) [Gulzar](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gulzar/) > [The writings with love is always beautiful. But just because love is beautiful, does not mean that its always happy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ryaj-ablando-catayas/the-writings-with-love-is-always-beautiful-but-just-because-love-is/) [Ryaj Ablando Catayas](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ryaj-ablando-catayas/) > [“Mwandishi lazima awe msomaji wa kila aina ya maandishi anayoweza kusoma. Akipanua upeo wake namna hiyo, kila atakachoandika kitaacha nukuu.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/enock-maregesi/mwandishi-lazima-awe-msomaji-wa-kila-aina-ya-maandishi-anayoweza/) [Enock Maregesi](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/enock-maregesi/) > [He writes nothing whose writings are not read.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/martial/he-writes-nothing-whose-writings-are-not-read/) [Martial](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/martial/) ## More by Leo Tolstoy > [These joys were so trifling as to be as imperceptible as grains of gold among the sand, and in moments of depression she saw…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/leo-tolstoy/these-joys-were-so-trifling-as-to-be-as-imperceptible-as-grains-of/) [Leo Tolstoy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/leo-tolstoy/) > [The only significance of life consists in helping to establish the kingdom of God.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/leo-tolstoy/the-only-significance-of-life-consists-in-helping-to-establish-the/) [Leo Tolstoy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/leo-tolstoy/) > [“I already love in you your beauty, but I am only beginning to love in you that which is eternal and ever precious –…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/leo-tolstoy/i-already-love-in-you-your-beauty-but-i-am-only-beginning-to-love-in/) [Leo Tolstoy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/leo-tolstoy/) > [Energy rests upon love; and come as it will, there's no forcing it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/leo-tolstoy/energy-rests-upon-love-and-come-as-it-will-there-s-no-forcing-it/) [Leo Tolstoy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/leo-tolstoy/) > [“If you only knew what those society women are, and women in general! 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She was standing talking to a lady at…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/leo-tolstoy/he-knew-she-was-there-by-the-rapture-and-the-terror-that-seized-on/) [Leo Tolstoy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/leo-tolstoy/) > [Rest, nature, books, music...such is my idea of happiness.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/leo-tolstoy/rest-nature-books-music-such-is-my-idea-of-happiness/) [Leo Tolstoy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/leo-tolstoy/) > [“He was not to blame for being born with an irrepressible charachter and a mind some how constrained.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/leo-tolstoy/he-was-not-to-blame-for-being-born-with-an-irrepressible-charachter/) [Leo Tolstoy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/leo-tolstoy/) > [I ask one thing only: I ask for the right to hope, to suffer as I do. 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You…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kanye-west/i-ve-been-connected-to-the-most-culturally-important-albums-of-the/) [Kanye West](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kanye-west/) > [I did nothing but international liberation politics for ten years, and usually it was like, you gain an inch, you lose a half an…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-van-zandt/i-did-nothing-but-international-liberation-politics-for-ten-years-and/) [Steven Van Zandt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-van-zandt/) Browse all 1,887 Ten years quotes ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“I cannot think of those years without horror, loathing and heartache. I killed men in war and challenged men to duels in order to kill them. I lost at cards, consumed the labour of the peasants, sentenced them to punishments, lived loosely, and deceived people. Lying, robbery, adultery of all kinds, drunkenness, violence, murder--there was no crime I did not commit, and in spite of that people praised my conduct and my contemporaries considered and consider me to be a comparatively moral man. So I lived for ten years. During that time I began to write from vanity, covetousness, and pride. In my writings I did the same as in my life. to get fame and money, for the sake of which I wrote, it was necessary to hide the good and to display the evil. and I did so. How often in my writings I contrived to hide under the guise of indifference, or even of banter, those strivings of mine towards goodness which gave meaning to my life! 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