--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: Okay. Well. Here’s a real question. How…" description: "\"“Okay. Well. Here’s a real question. How long do you think it takes to get over someone dying? Someone you really loved, I mean.” I’m not entirely sure..." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9c7/jojo-moyes-1045_death_okay-well-here-s-a-real-question-how-lon_2506542.jpg" --- # Okay. Well. Here’s a real question. How long do you think… ![“Okay. Well. Here’s a real question. How long do you think it takes to get over someone dying? Someone you really loved, I mean.” I’m not entirely sure why I asked him. It was almost cruelly direct, given his circumstances. Perhaps I was afraid that the compulsive shagger was about to come out to…” quote by Jojo Moyes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9c7/jojo-moyes-1045_death_okay-well-here-s-a-real-question-how-lon_2506542.jpg) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9c7/jojo-moyes-1045_death_okay-well-here-s-a-real-question-how-lon_2506542.jpg) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9c7/jojo-moyes-1045_death_okay-well-here-s-a-real-question-how-lon_2506542.jpg) > ““Okay. Well. Here’s a real question. How long do you think it takes to get over someone dying? Someone you really loved, I mean.” I’m not entirely sure why I asked him. It was almost cruelly direct, given his circumstances. Perhaps I was afraid that the compulsive shagger was about to come out to play. Sam’s eyes widened just a little. “Whoa. Well”—he looked down at his mug, and then out at the shadowy fields—“I’m not sure you ever do.” “That’s cheery.” “No. Really. I’ve thought about it a lot. You learn to live with it, with them. Because they do stay with you, even if they’re not living, breathing people anymore. It’s not the same crushing grief you felt at first, the kind that swamps you and makes you want to cry in the wrong places and get irrationally angry with all the idiots who are still alive when the person you love is dead. It’s just something you learn to accommodate. Like adapting around a hole. I don’t know. It’s like you become . . . a doughnut instead of a bun.”” [Jojo Moyes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jojo-moyes/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. Grief evolves from intense pain to a lingering presence that one learns to live with, reshaping identity. **In simple terms:** Grief changes over time, becoming part of you. Key Takeaway Accept grief as a lasting, reshaping presence. Themes loss healing identity adaptation Mood somber reflective Type narrative philosophical When to use this quote - personal loss - long‑term mourning - daily coping - support groups Key Concepts bereavement psychological adjustment resilience Questions to Reflect On - How have you changed after loss? - What habits help you honor memories? A Different Perspective Grief may never fully resolve, only transform. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Death](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/death/) [Grief](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/grief/) [Person You Love](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/person-you-love/) [Wrong place](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/wrong-place/) ## Related quotes > [“No. Really. I've thought about it a lot. You learn to live with it, with them. Because they do stay with you, even if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jojo-moyes/no-really-i-ve-thought-about-it-a-lot-you-learn-to-live-with-it-with/) [Jojo Moyes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jojo-moyes/) > [“It was heartfelt, it was heartbreaking. It was extreme joy, it was bone-crushing grief. It was fiery hot, it was icy-cold. It was true…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/s-c-stephens/it-was-heartfelt-it-was-heartbreaking-it-was-extreme-joy-it-was-bone/) [S.C. Stephens](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/s-c-stephens/) > [“Just so you know, I realize that what happened is not in any way okay, but I think we're going to have to pretend…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/julie-buxbaum/just-so-you-know-i-realize-that-what-happened-is-not-in-any-way-okay/) [Julie Buxbaum](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/julie-buxbaum/) > [“Paul. Look at me. You need to understand this. The worst thing that could have happened to me already happened." He looks up. She…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jojo-moyes/paul-look-at-me-you-need-to-understand-this-the-worst-thing-that/) [Jojo Moyes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jojo-moyes/) > [“Grief felt fourth-dimensional, abstract, faintly familiar. I was cold.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/max-porter/grief-felt-fourth-dimensional-abstract-faintly-familiar-i-was-cold/) [Max Porter](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/max-porter/) > [“I slipped into a state beyond my usual grief and restlessness and anxiety and despair – one of not feeling anything at all. And…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/matt-haig/i-slipped-into-a-state-beyond-my-usual-grief-and-restlessness-and/) [Matt Haig](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/matt-haig/) > [“When she opened her eyes, she was both in her body and watching it, nowhere near the cavity of the tree. The Blue that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/maggie-stiefvater/when-she-opened-her-eyes-she-was-both-in-her-body-and-watching-it/) [Maggie Stiefvater](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/maggie-stiefvater/) > [“The sunlight now lay over the valley perfectly still. I went over to the graveyard beside the church and found them under the old…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wendell-berry/the-sunlight-now-lay-over-the-valley-perfectly-still-i-went-over-to/) [Wendell Berry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/wendell-berry/) > [“There is a special grief felt by the children and grandchildren of those who were forbidden to read, forbidden to question or to know.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alice-walker/there-is-a-special-grief-felt-by-the-children-and-grandchildren-of/) [Alice Walker](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alice-walker/) > [I remember the ache I used to feel when she got too close, how it felt like grief, how it felt like a loss,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/patrick-ness/i-remember-the-ache-i-used-to-feel-when-she-got-too-close-how-it-felt/) [Patrick Ness](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/patrick-ness/) > [For grief is felt not so much for the want of what we have never known, as for the loss of that to which…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/pericles/for-grief-is-felt-not-so-much-for-the-want-of-what-we-have-never/) [Pericles](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/pericles/) > [“So perhaps it was her grief I felt as I gazed on this child not mine, and not even much of a child anymore.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/susan-choi/so-perhaps-it-was-her-grief-i-felt-as-i-gazed-on-this-child-not-mine/) [Susan Choi](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/susan-choi/) > [“Progress? You call this progress?” I was almost shouting now, anger spilled out of me as if I could no longer contain it. “If…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/s-j-watson/progress-you-call-this-progress-i-was-almost-shouting-now-anger/) [S.J. Watson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/s-j-watson/) > [There is no more ridiculous custom than the one that makes you express sympathy once and for all on a given day to a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/marcel-proust/there-is-no-more-ridiculous-custom-than-the-one-that-makes-you/) [Marcel Proust](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/marcel-proust/) > [No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/no-one-ever-told-me-that-grief-felt-so-like-fear-i-am-not-afraid-but/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) ## More by Jojo Moyes > [“How was she supposed to bear the prospect of never seeing him again? Never seeing his face light up simply because she had walked…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jojo-moyes/how-was-she-supposed-to-bear-the-prospect-of-never-seeing-him-again/) [Jojo Moyes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jojo-moyes/) > [“I had a vague memory of the intensity of teenage female relationships; more of a passion than a normal friendship.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jojo-moyes/i-had-a-vague-memory-of-the-intensity-of-teenage-female-relationships/) [Jojo Moyes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jojo-moyes/) > [“I want him to live if HE wants to live. If he doesn't, then by forcing him to carry on, you, me… we become…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jojo-moyes/i-want-him-to-live-if-he-wants-to-live-if-he-doesn-t-then-by-forcing/) [Jojo Moyes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jojo-moyes/) > [How is it possible to exist with so much pain?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jojo-moyes/how-is-it-possible-to-exist-with-so-much-pain/) [Jojo Moyes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jojo-moyes/) > [“I often think that the ability to earn a living by doing the thing one loves must be one of life's greatest gifts.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jojo-moyes/i-often-think-that-the-ability-to-earn-a-living-by-doing-the-thing/) [Jojo Moyes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jojo-moyes/) > [“Nobody ever says "sweet girl" about someone they were in love with. It's like the whole "we'll still be friends" thing. It means you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jojo-moyes/nobody-ever-says-sweet-girl-about-someone-they-were-in-love-with-it-s/) [Jojo Moyes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jojo-moyes/) > [“Sometimes , Clark, you are pretty much the only thing that makes me want to get up in the morning -Will Traynor <3”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jojo-moyes/sometimes-clark-you-are-pretty-much-the-only-thing-that-makes-me-want/) [Jojo Moyes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jojo-moyes/) > [“I liked the exoticism his travels gave him, the unknownness. He had blown in with the soft breezes of a wider world, and it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jojo-moyes/i-liked-the-exoticism-his-travels-gave-him-the-unknownness-he-had/) [jojo moyes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jojo-moyes/) > [“Good to meet you, Patrick," Will said. "And thank you for the...advice." "Oh, just trying to help my girlfriend get the best out of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jojo-moyes/good-to-meet-you-patrick-will-said-and-thank-you-for-the-advice-oh/) [Jojo Moyes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jojo-moyes/) > [“How could I explain to this man how much I wanted to work? Did he have the slightest idea how much I missed my…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jojo-moyes/how-could-i-explain-to-this-man-how-much-i-wanted-to-work-did-he-have/) [Jojo Moyes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jojo-moyes/) > [If I don't cry while writing a key emotional scene, my gut feeling is it's failed.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jojo-moyes/if-i-don-t-cry-while-writing-a-key-emotional-scene-my-gut-feeling-is/) [Jojo Moyes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jojo-moyes/) > [“Still watches too much porn, though. You can tell.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jojo-moyes/still-watches-too-much-porn-though-you-can-tell/) [Jojo Moyes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jojo-moyes/) > [“Four hours later Liv wakes in a box room with an Arsenal duet cover and a head that thumps so hard she has to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jojo-moyes/four-hours-later-liv-wakes-in-a-box-room-with-an-arsenal-duet-cover/) [Jojo Moyes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jojo-moyes/) > [“It was a terrible thing to discover you no longer wanted the life that stretched out ahead of you.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jojo-moyes/it-was-a-terrible-thing-to-discover-you-no-longer-wanted-the-life/) [Jojo Moyes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jojo-moyes/) > [You cut yourself off from all sorts of experiences because you tell yourself you are ‘not that sort of person’” “But, I’m not.” “How…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jojo-moyes/you-cut-yourself-off-from-all-sorts-of-experiences-because-you-tell/) [Jojo Moyes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jojo-moyes/) [Explore all 274 Jojo Moyes quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jojo-moyes/) ## More Death quotes > [“He wondered how it was fair that your dying should depend so much on when you were born.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-albom/he-wondered-how-it-was-fair-that-your-dying-should-depend-so-much-on/) [Mitch Albom](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-albom/) > [What sets worlds in motion is the interplay of differences, their attractions and repulsions. Life is plurality, death is uniformity. By suppressing differences and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/octavio-paz/what-sets-worlds-in-motion-is-the-interplay-of-differences-their/) [Octavio Paz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/octavio-paz/) > [Most of us are convinced that we are our egos, which is who we think we are. The ego is part of our incarnation.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ram-dass/most-of-us-are-convinced-that-we-are-our-egos-which-is-who-we-think/) [Ram Dass](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ram-dass/) > [I do not want to live at the cost of the life even of a snake. I should let him bite me to death…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mahatma-gandhi/i-do-not-want-to-live-at-the-cost-of-the-life-even-of-a-snake-i/) [Mahatma Gandhi](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mahatma-gandhi/) > [“It was beautiful. He thought he had never seen anything so beautiful in all his life; that, having seen it, he could die content,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mira-grant/it-was-beautiful-he-thought-he-had-never-seen-anything-so-beautiful/) [Mira Grant](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mira-grant/) > [Retirement? You're talking about death, right?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/robert-altman/retirement-you-re-talking-about-death-right/) [Robert Altman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/robert-altman/) > [With multiplayer, permanent death, and an ever-changing world to explore and conquer, 'A Valley Without Wind' might be the place you're looking for if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rob-manuel/with-multiplayer-permanent-death-and-an-ever-changing-world-to/) [Rob Manuel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rob-manuel/) > [“What did you see?” she asked gently. His brow furrowed, as if he could not understand the question. Then his eyes turned to the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/j-anthony-torino/what-did-you-see-she-asked-gently-his-brow-furrowed-as-if-he-could/) J. Anthony Torino > [Those whose life is long still strive for gain, and for all mortals all things take second place to money.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sophocles/those-whose-life-is-long-still-strive-for-gain-and-for-all-mortals/) [Sophocles](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sophocles/) > [“I practice Dying--every night-- But have not learned to, still-- Though Talented--by Mortal bones-- For such a common Skill.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alan-w-powers/i-practice-dying-every-night-but-have-not-learned-to-still-though/) Alan W. Powers > [“You must understand the pain and grief of losing someone is nothing more than a function of survival.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-cooper/you-must-understand-the-pain-and-grief-of-losing-someone-is-nothing/) [Steven Cooper](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-cooper/) > [I am not a depressive person at all, but I reflect a lot on my life, and life in general, from the perspective of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alejandro-gonzalez-inarritu/i-am-not-a-depressive-person-at-all-but-i-reflect-a-lot-on-my-life/) [Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alejandro-gonzalez-inarritu/) > [“Death is a reality that calls the rest of life and all of our assorted strivings into sharp relief.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-d-lounsbrough/death-is-a-reality-that-calls-the-rest-of-life-and-all-of-our/) [Craig D. Lounsbrough](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-d-lounsbrough/) > [I love life. I love life to death.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emmanuelle-riva/i-love-life-i-love-life-to-death/) [Emmanuelle Riva](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emmanuelle-riva/) > [I think when you’re dying you start looking for important things in the corners. You can’t let anything that seems even semi-important pass, because…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/chris-crutcher/i-think-when-you-re-dying-you-start-looking-for-important-things-in/) [Chris Crutcher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/chris-crutcher/) [Browse all 39,127 Death quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/death/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Okay. Well. Here’s a real question. How long do you think it takes to get over someone dying? Someone you really loved, I mean.” I’m not entirely sure why I asked him. It was almost cruelly direct, given his circumstances. Perhaps I was afraid that the compulsive shagger was about to come out to play. Sam’s eyes widened just a little. “Whoa. Well”—he looked down at his mug, and then out at the shadowy fields—“I’m not sure you ever do.” “That’s cheery.” “No. Really. I’ve thought about it a lot. You learn to live with it, with them. Because they do stay with you, even if they’re not living, breathing people anymore. It’s not the same crushing grief you felt at first, the kind that swamps you and makes you want to cry in the wrong places and get irrationally angry with all the idiots who are still alive when the person you love is dead. It’s just something you learn to accommodate. Like adapting around a hole. I don’t know. 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