---
title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: With the child already shame-based, the…"
description: "\"“With the child already shame-based, the feeling of discouragement takes over the whole personality. As the shame-based child forms her primitive consc..."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d4/john-bradshaw-2227_children_with-the-child-already-shame-based-the-f_1106970.jpg"
---

#  With the child already shame-based, the feeling of…

![“With the child already shame-based, the feeling of discouragement takes over the whole personality. As the shame-based child forms her primitive conscience, shame becomes immorality or neurotic guilt. The conforming child believes he can do nothing right,” quote by John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d4/john-bradshaw-2227_children_with-the-child-already-shame-based-the-f_1106970.jpg)   [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d4/john-bradshaw-2227_children_with-the-child-already-shame-based-the-f_1106970.jpg) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d4/john-bradshaw-2227_children_with-the-child-already-shame-based-the-f_1106970.jpg)

> ““With the child already shame-based, the feeling of discouragement takes over the whole personality. As the shame-based child forms her primitive conscience, shame becomes immorality or neurotic guilt. The conforming child believes he can do nothing right,””

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

## About This Quote

This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation.

Shame in childhood can dominate personality, turning into guilt and a belief of constant failure.

**In simple terms:** Shame can ruin self‑esteem and cause guilt.

Key Takeaway

Recognize and address shame early.

Themes

shame selfesteem psychology

Mood

reflective somber

Type

advice psychological

When to use this quote

- parenting
- therapy
- personal growth

Key Concepts

guilt conformity

Questions to Reflect On

- How does shame affect your decisions?
- What steps can break the shame cycle?

A Different Perspective

Shame may also stem from external criticism, not just internal.

★ ★ ★ ★ ★   No ratings yet

[Child Shame](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/child-shame-2929310/) [Children](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/children/) [Ethics](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ethics/) [Guilt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/guilt/) [Guilt Conforming](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/guilt-conforming-2929312/) [Immorality Neurotic](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/immorality-neurotic-2929313/) [Regret](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/regret/) [Shame Based](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/shame-based-463818/) [Shame Immorality](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/shame-immorality-2929311/)

## Related quotes

> [“If our primary caregivers are shame-based, they will act shameless and pass their toxic shame onto us. There is no way to teach self-value…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/if-our-primary-caregivers-are-shame-based-they-will-act-shameless-and/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [Have charity; have patience; have mercy. Never bring a human being, however silly, ignorant, or weak--above all, any little child--to shame and confusion of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/charles-kingsley/have-charity-have-patience-have-mercy-never-bring-a-human-being/)

[Charles Kingsley](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/charles-kingsley/)

> [“This transformation involves three dynamics: 1. The identification with shame-based models and the carrying of their unexpressed shame. 2. The trauma of abandonment and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/this-transformation-involves-three-dynamics-1-the-identification-with/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [“Perhaps the greatest wound a shame-based person carries is the inability to be intimate in a relationship. This inability flows directly out of the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/perhaps-the-greatest-wound-a-shame-based-person-carries-is-the/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [“SHAME-BASED MARRIAGE AND PARENTAL MODELS It is obvious that a major source of toxic shame is the family system and its multigenerational patterns of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/shame-based-marriage-and-parental-models-it-is-obvious-that-a-major/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [“The more I drank to relieve my shame-based loneliness and hurt, the more I felt ashamed. Shame begets shame. The cycle begins with the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/the-more-i-drank-to-relieve-my-shame-based-loneliness-and-hurt-the/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [“When parents are shame-based and needy, they are unable to take over the mirroring narcissistic function for the child. Furthermore, the fact that the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/when-parents-are-shame-based-and-needy-they-are-unable-to-take-over/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [“The major problem in our lives is to decide and clarify our responsibilities. To truly be committed to a life of honesty, love and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/the-major-problem-in-our-lives-is-to-decide-and-clarify-our/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [“SHAME-BASED FAMILY RULES Each family system has several categories of rules. There are rules about celebrating and socializing, rules about touching and sexuality, rules…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/shame-based-family-rules-each-family-system-has-several-categories-of/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [“One of the significant lessons in my life was given me by Abraham Low, the founder of Recovery, Inc. He said that “intellectualizing about…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/one-of-the-significant-lessons-in-my-life-was-given-me-by-abraham-low/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [“During school age, the bright, shame-based child will attempt to develop inhuman ego defenses or defending scripts, such as perfectionism, blaming, criticizing, righteousness or…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/during-school-age-the-bright-shame-based-child-will-attempt-to/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [“5. The “No Talk” Rule. This rule prohibits the full expression of any feeling, need or want. In shame-based families, the members want to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/5-the-no-talk-rule-this-rule-prohibits-the-full-expression-of-any/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [“Toxic shame, the shame that binds us, is experienced as the all-pervasive sense that “I am flawed and defective as a human being.” Toxic…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/toxic-shame-the-shame-that-binds-us-is-experienced-as-the-all/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [“3. Blame. Whenever things don’t turn out as planned, blame yourself or others. Blame is another defensive cover-up for shame. Blame maintains the balance…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/3-blame-whenever-things-don-t-turn-out-as-planned-blame-yourself-or/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [The creative process taps into our deepest subconscious, and we are each of us sex-crazed - products of a shame-based Judeo-Christian culture that has…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lynn-coady/the-creative-process-taps-into-our-deepest-subconscious-and-we-are/)

[Lynn Coady](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lynn-coady/)

## More by John Bradshaw

> [Recovery begins with embracing our pain and taking the risk to share it with others. We do this by joining a group and talking…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/recovery-begins-with-embracing-our-pain-and-taking-the-risk-to-share/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [“Generally speaking, most of our vital, spontaneous, instinctual life gets shamed. Children are shamed for being too rambunctious, for wanting things and for laughing…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/generally-speaking-most-of-our-vital-spontaneous-instinctual-life/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [“A covert kind of sexual abuse occurs when Dad or Mom talk about sex in front of the children when the age level of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/a-covert-kind-of-sexual-abuse-occurs-when-dad-or-mom-talk-about-sex/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [I know from my own clinical work that when people are beaten and hurt, they numb out so that they cant feel anymore.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/i-know-from-my-own-clinical-work-that-when-people-are-beaten-and-hurt/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [“Love-that which biologists, nervous about being misunderstood call "attachment"-fuels the bond between dog and master or mistress.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/love-that-which-biologists-nervous-about-being-misunderstood-call/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [“(b) Boundary Violation. This involves children witnessing parents in sexual behavior. They may walk in on it because parents don’t provide closed or locked…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/b-boundary-violation-this-involves-children-witnessing-parents-in/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [“A toxically shamed person is divided within himself and must create a false-self cover-up to hide his sense of being flawed and defective. You…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/a-toxically-shamed-person-is-divided-within-himself-and-must-create-a/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [I define a 'good person' as somebody who is fully conscious of their own limitations. They know their strengths, but they also know their…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/i-define-a-good-person-as-somebody-who-is-fully-conscious-of-their/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [“The ego defense of conversion transforms developmental needs into the need for something else. This could be food, money or excessive attention. In Max’s…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/the-ego-defense-of-conversion-transforms-developmental-needs-into-the/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [“In fact, the most paradoxical aspect of neurotic shame is that it is the core motivator of the superachieved and the underachieved, the star…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/in-fact-the-most-paradoxical-aspect-of-neurotic-shame-is-that-it-is/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [“If our primary caregivers are shame-based, they will act shameless and pass their toxic shame onto us. There is no way to teach self-value…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/if-our-primary-caregivers-are-shame-based-they-will-act-shameless-and/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [Ego is to the true self what a flashlight is to a spotlight.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/ego-is-to-the-true-self-what-a-flashlight-is-to-a-spotlight/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [“If a cat falls out of a high-rise building or a tall tree, it has another trick available: forming a “parachute” by spreading all…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/if-a-cat-falls-out-of-a-high-rise-building-or-a-tall-tree-it-has/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [“In the past, when dogs’ functions were mostly rural, it was accepted that they were intrinsically messy and needed to be managed on their…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/in-the-past-when-dogs-functions-were-mostly-rural-it-was-accepted/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

> [“IDENTIFICATION When victimization takes place the victim often identifies with the persecutor. By so doing the victim no longer feels the helplessness and the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/identification-when-victimization-takes-place-the-victim-often/)

[John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

[Explore all 178 John Bradshaw quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/)

## More Children quotes

> [I am certain that children always know more than they are able to tell, and that makes the big difference between them and adults,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jacques-lusseyran/i-am-certain-that-children-always-know-more-than-they-are-able-to/)

[Jacques Lusseyran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jacques-lusseyran/)

> [Behind every successful child is an adult who believed in him.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rick-warren/behind-every-successful-child-is-an-adult-who-believed-in-him/)

[Rick Warren](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rick-warren/)

> [I believe in freedom to do what you want if you aren't hurting others, but pictures of obese protesters giving their children big gulps.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/philip-defranco/i-believe-in-freedom-to-do-what-you-want-if-you-aren-t-hurting-others/)

[Philip DeFranco](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/philip-defranco/)

> [If the audience likes your work, if they like you, they don't think whether you are married or have children or not. I made…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dimple-kapadia/if-the-audience-likes-your-work-if-they-like-you-they-don-t-think/)

[Dimple Kapadia](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dimple-kapadia/)

> [It doesnt seem to me strange that children should like the macabre, the sensational, and the forbidden.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-hecht/it-doesnt-seem-to-me-strange-that-children-should-like-the-macabre/)

[Anthony Hecht](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-hecht/)

> [Let children support their parents or be imprisoned.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/let-children-support-their-parents-or-be-imprisoned/)

[Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/)

> [Gratitude isn't just a feeling, it's an action. Expressing gratitude by writing in a journal, taking a photo, or shooting a video creates a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janice-kaplan/gratitude-isn-t-just-a-feeling-it-s-an-action-expressing-gratitude-by/)

[Janice Kaplan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janice-kaplan/)

> [My embarrassing confession is that my father is a 'Camelot: The Musical' obsessive. So as a child, when we were going to visit relatives…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/chris-chibnall/my-embarrassing-confession-is-that-my-father-is-a-camelot-the-musical/)

[Chris Chibnall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/chris-chibnall/)

> [I have many who keep me going, I am very fortunate in this sense. There is nothing like a child who knows more about…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/floyd-cooper/i-have-many-who-keep-me-going-i-am-very-fortunate-in-this-sense-there/)

[Floyd Cooper](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/floyd-cooper/)

> [My school was one of the most beautiful places a child can grow up in. You are surrounded by nature - cats, dogs, birds…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/amala-akkineni/my-school-was-one-of-the-most-beautiful-places-a-child-can-grow-up-in/)

[Amala Akkineni](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/amala-akkineni/)

> [A lesser complaint: hair extensions. There are moments on 'All My Children' when half the women actors, young and old, seem to be afflicted…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/camille-paglia/a-lesser-complaint-hair-extensions-there-are-moments-on-all-my/)

[Camille Paglia](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/camille-paglia/)

> [As a child, I had a lot of older gay men taking care of me. There's a trust there. I feel like little girls…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/margaret-cho/as-a-child-i-had-a-lot-of-older-gay-men-taking-care-of-me-there-s-a/)

[Margaret Cho](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/margaret-cho/)

> [If my child had prejudice in his head, I'd be ashamed. I would see it as my failure as a parent.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/salman-rushdie/if-my-child-had-prejudice-in-his-head-i-d-be-ashamed-i-would-see-it/)

[Salman Rushdie](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/salman-rushdie/)

> [“Children's lives are always beginning and adults' lives are always ending. Or is it the opposite? Your childhood is always ending and your adult…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alison-espach/children-s-lives-are-always-beginning-and-adults-lives-are-always/)

[Alison Espach](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alison-espach/)

> [As a child I was very involved with sports and I knew at age 9 that I wanted to be an Olympic champion.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/marion-jones/as-a-child-i-was-very-involved-with-sports-and-i-knew-at-age-9-that-i/)

[Marion Jones](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/marion-jones/)

[Browse all 62,396 Children quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/children/)

```json
{
    "@context": "https://schema.org",
    "@graph": [
        {
            "@type": "Quotation",
            "text": "“With the child already shame-based, the feeling of discouragement takes over the whole personality. As the shame-based child forms her primitive conscience, shame becomes immorality or neurotic guilt. The conforming child believes he can do nothing right,”",
            "creator": {
                "@type": "Person",
                "name": "John Bradshaw"
            },
            "isPartOf": {
                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website"
            },
            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/with-the-child-already-shame-based-the-feeling-of-discouragement/",
            "about": {
                "@type": "Thing",
                "name": "Children"
            },
            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/with-the-child-already-shame-based-the-feeling-of-discouragement/#quotation",
            "image": {
                "@type": "ImageObject",
                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d4/john-bradshaw-2227_children_with-the-child-already-shame-based-the-f_1106970.jpg",
                "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d4/john-bradshaw-2227_children_with-the-child-already-shame-based-the-f_1106970.jpg",
                "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d4/john-bradshaw-2227_children_with-the-child-already-shame-based-the-f_1106970.jpg",
                "width": 1080,
                "height": 1080,
                "caption": "“With the child already shame-based, the feeling of discouragement takes over the whole personality. As the…” — John Bradshaw",
                "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes",
                "creator": {
                    "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization"
                }
            }
        },
        {
            "@type": "BreadcrumbList",
            "itemListElement": [
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 1,
                    "name": "Home",
                    "item": "https://sms4smile.com/"
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 2,
                    "name": "Quotes",
                    "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/"
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 3,
                    "name": "John Bradshaw",
                    "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/"
                },
                {
                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 4,
                    "name": "“With the child already shame-based, the...",
                    "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/with-the-child-already-shame-based-the-feeling-of-discouragement/"
                }
            ],
            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/with-the-child-already-shame-based-the-feeling-of-discouragement/#breadcrumb"
        },
        {
            "@type": "WebSite",
            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website",
            "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes",
            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/",
            "publisher": {
                "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization"
            }
        },
        {
            "@type": "Organization",
            "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization",
            "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes",
            "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/",
            "logo": {
                "@type": "ImageObject",
                "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/themes/sq/assets/icons/icon-512.png",
                "width": 512,
                "height": 512
            }
        }
    ]
}
```
