--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: Children have an amazing ability to…" description: "\"“Children have an amazing ability to perceive this need in the parent(s). The true self of the child seems to know it unconsciously. I’ll expand on thi..." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b48/john-bradshaw-2227_children_children-have-an-amazing-ability-to-perc_370197.jpg" --- # Children have an amazing ability to perceive this need in… ![“Children have an amazing ability to perceive this need in the parent(s). The true self of the child seems to know it unconsciously. I’ll expand on this in Chapter Thirteen. By taking on the role of supplying his shame-based parent’s narcissistic gratification, the child secures love and a sense of…” quote by John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b48/john-bradshaw-2227_children_children-have-an-amazing-ability-to-perc_370197.jpg) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b48/john-bradshaw-2227_children_children-have-an-amazing-ability-to-perc_370197.jpg) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b48/john-bradshaw-2227_children_children-have-an-amazing-ability-to-perc_370197.jpg) > ““Children have an amazing ability to perceive this need in the parent(s). The true self of the child seems to know it unconsciously. I’ll expand on this in Chapter Thirteen. By taking on the role of supplying his shame-based parent’s narcissistic gratification, the child secures love and a sense of being needed and not abandoned. This process is a reversal of the order of nature. Now the child is taking care of the parents’ needs, rather than the parents taking care of the child’s needs. This caregiver role is strangely paradoxical. In an attempt to secure parental love and avoid being abandoned, the child is in fact being abandoned. Since the child is there for the parent, there is no one to mirror the child’s feelings and drives and nurture the child’s needs.”” [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. Children may unconsciously try to meet their parents' emotional deficits, believing this will secure love, but it leaves their own needs unmet. **In simple terms:** Kids try to fix parents, losing their own needs. Key Takeaway Recognize and meet your own emotional needs. Themes family dynamics codependency emotional neglect parent‑child roles Mood reflective concerned insightful Type psychological educational therapeutic When to use this quote - therapy sessions - parenting workshops - self‑care planning - support groups - family counseling Key Concepts narcissistic gratification reversal of natural order mirroring attachment theory Questions to Reflect On - How can you differentiate caring for others from neglecting yourself? - What signs show you are mirroring a parent’s unmet needs? A Different Perspective The child’s effort to care for parents can reinforce the parents’ dependency and prevent healthy boundaries. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Children](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/children/) [Love](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/love/) [Parental love](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/parental-love/) [Parenting](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/parenting/) ## Related quotes > [“When parents are shame-based and needy, they are unable to take over the mirroring narcissistic function for the child. Furthermore, the fact that the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/when-parents-are-shame-based-and-needy-they-are-unable-to-take-over/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [Parents who are stressed or disturbed will have more difficulty in meeting their children's needs. Parents who have little support--from friends, relatives, neighbors, or…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sheila-kamerman/parents-who-are-stressed-or-disturbed-will-have-more-difficulty-in/) Sheila Kamerman > [There's a definition of narcissism that when a parent is narcissistic, instead of the child seeing himself reflected in the mother's face and the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/susan-sullivan/there-s-a-definition-of-narcissism-that-when-a-parent-is-narcissistic/) [Susan Sullivan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/susan-sullivan/) > [“If you hold onto hurt and anger with a narcissist, the children will have no normal parent. The narcissistic parent will use them as…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tracy-malone/if-you-hold-onto-hurt-and-anger-with-a-narcissist-the-children-will/) Tracy Malone > [“Even a monster has to be from somewhere—even a monster needs parents. But parents don't need monsters.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/philip-roth/even-a-monster-has-to-be-from-somewhere-even-a-monster-needs-parents/) [Philip Roth](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/philip-roth/) > [My real self, the self I have always been from a child, is a loner and nerd, slightly overweight, with a very heavy fringe.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/hayley-atwell/my-real-self-the-self-i-have-always-been-from-a-child-is-a-loner-and/) [Hayley Atwell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/hayley-atwell/) > [Label me all you want see if I care, Do I look like I have labeled china on my fore head?? I get looked…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/myothersweetangel199/label-me-all-you-want-see-if-i-care-do-i-look-like-i-have-labeled/) Myothersweetangel199 > [“When a child's needs are not met (because they conflict with those of its caretakers), the child's boundaries become defined by the needs of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/joel-friedman/when-a-child-s-needs-are-not-met-because-they-conflict-with-those-of/) [Joel Friedman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/joel-friedman/) > [“Parents can raise children who are responsible, self-disciplined, and cooperative without relying on the weapon of fear; they can learn how to influence children…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/thomas-gordon/parents-can-raise-children-who-are-responsible-self-disciplined-and/) [Thomas Gordon](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/thomas-gordon/) > [Every child needs both parents.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/neena-gupta/every-child-needs-both-parents/) [Neena Gupta](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/neena-gupta/) > [I really recognized a part of myself - my true self as a child - in performances like Val Kilmer and Nicolas Cage. I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/greta-lee/i-really-recognized-a-part-of-myself-my-true-self-as-a-child-in/) [Greta Lee](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/greta-lee/) > [“I have known friendship love, parental love, romantic love, family love and unrequited love in my life time, but the only love that made…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/shannon-alder/i-have-known-friendship-love-parental-love-romantic-love-family-love/) [Shannon Alder](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/shannon-alder/) > [“From his own experience, Alex knew that parental love is an ideal, not a guarantee.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lisa-kleypas/from-his-own-experience-alex-knew-that-parental-love-is-an-ideal-not/) [Lisa Kleypas](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lisa-kleypas/) > [“When it comes to the crunch, coming out is the greatest of all confessions. Nothing is more difficult to acknowledge. When we become ourselves…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/witi-ihimaera/when-it-comes-to-the-crunch-coming-out-is-the-greatest-of-all/) [Witi Ihimaera](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/witi-ihimaera/) > [“Silver linings abound: I always knew I loved my son, but you certainly get a “perspective-check” when you go through a parting like that.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rob-kozak/silver-linings-abound-i-always-knew-i-loved-my-son-but-you-certainly/) [Rob Kozak](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rob-kozak/) ## More by John Bradshaw > [Recovery begins with embracing our pain and taking the risk to share it with others. We do this by joining a group and talking…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/recovery-begins-with-embracing-our-pain-and-taking-the-risk-to-share/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“Generally speaking, most of our vital, spontaneous, instinctual life gets shamed. Children are shamed for being too rambunctious, for wanting things and for laughing…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/generally-speaking-most-of-our-vital-spontaneous-instinctual-life/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“A covert kind of sexual abuse occurs when Dad or Mom talk about sex in front of the children when the age level of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/a-covert-kind-of-sexual-abuse-occurs-when-dad-or-mom-talk-about-sex/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [I know from my own clinical work that when people are beaten and hurt, they numb out so that they cant feel anymore.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/i-know-from-my-own-clinical-work-that-when-people-are-beaten-and-hurt/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“Love-that which biologists, nervous about being misunderstood call "attachment"-fuels the bond between dog and master or mistress.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/love-that-which-biologists-nervous-about-being-misunderstood-call/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“(b) Boundary Violation. This involves children witnessing parents in sexual behavior. They may walk in on it because parents don’t provide closed or locked…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/b-boundary-violation-this-involves-children-witnessing-parents-in/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“A toxically shamed person is divided within himself and must create a false-self cover-up to hide his sense of being flawed and defective. You…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/a-toxically-shamed-person-is-divided-within-himself-and-must-create-a/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [I define a 'good person' as somebody who is fully conscious of their own limitations. They know their strengths, but they also know their…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/i-define-a-good-person-as-somebody-who-is-fully-conscious-of-their/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“The ego defense of conversion transforms developmental needs into the need for something else. This could be food, money or excessive attention. In Max’s…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/the-ego-defense-of-conversion-transforms-developmental-needs-into-the/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“In fact, the most paradoxical aspect of neurotic shame is that it is the core motivator of the superachieved and the underachieved, the star…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/in-fact-the-most-paradoxical-aspect-of-neurotic-shame-is-that-it-is/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“If our primary caregivers are shame-based, they will act shameless and pass their toxic shame onto us. There is no way to teach self-value…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/if-our-primary-caregivers-are-shame-based-they-will-act-shameless-and/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [Ego is to the true self what a flashlight is to a spotlight.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/ego-is-to-the-true-self-what-a-flashlight-is-to-a-spotlight/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“If a cat falls out of a high-rise building or a tall tree, it has another trick available: forming a “parachute” by spreading all…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/if-a-cat-falls-out-of-a-high-rise-building-or-a-tall-tree-it-has/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“In the past, when dogs’ functions were mostly rural, it was accepted that they were intrinsically messy and needed to be managed on their…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/in-the-past-when-dogs-functions-were-mostly-rural-it-was-accepted/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“IDENTIFICATION When victimization takes place the victim often identifies with the persecutor. By so doing the victim no longer feels the helplessness and the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/identification-when-victimization-takes-place-the-victim-often/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Explore all 178 John Bradshaw quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) ## More Children quotes > [I am certain that children always know more than they are able to tell, and that makes the big difference between them and adults,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jacques-lusseyran/i-am-certain-that-children-always-know-more-than-they-are-able-to/) [Jacques Lusseyran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jacques-lusseyran/) > [Behind every successful child is an adult who believed in him.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rick-warren/behind-every-successful-child-is-an-adult-who-believed-in-him/) [Rick Warren](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rick-warren/) > [I believe in freedom to do what you want if you aren't hurting others, but pictures of obese protesters giving their children big gulps.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/philip-defranco/i-believe-in-freedom-to-do-what-you-want-if-you-aren-t-hurting-others/) [Philip DeFranco](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/philip-defranco/) > [If the audience likes your work, if they like you, they don't think whether you are married or have children or not. I made…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dimple-kapadia/if-the-audience-likes-your-work-if-they-like-you-they-don-t-think/) [Dimple Kapadia](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dimple-kapadia/) > [It doesnt seem to me strange that children should like the macabre, the sensational, and the forbidden.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-hecht/it-doesnt-seem-to-me-strange-that-children-should-like-the-macabre/) [Anthony Hecht](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-hecht/) > [Let children support their parents or be imprisoned.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/let-children-support-their-parents-or-be-imprisoned/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) > [Gratitude isn't just a feeling, it's an action. Expressing gratitude by writing in a journal, taking a photo, or shooting a video creates a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janice-kaplan/gratitude-isn-t-just-a-feeling-it-s-an-action-expressing-gratitude-by/) [Janice Kaplan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janice-kaplan/) > [My embarrassing confession is that my father is a 'Camelot: The Musical' obsessive. So as a child, when we were going to visit relatives…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/chris-chibnall/my-embarrassing-confession-is-that-my-father-is-a-camelot-the-musical/) [Chris Chibnall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/chris-chibnall/) > [I have many who keep me going, I am very fortunate in this sense. There is nothing like a child who knows more about…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/floyd-cooper/i-have-many-who-keep-me-going-i-am-very-fortunate-in-this-sense-there/) [Floyd Cooper](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/floyd-cooper/) > [My school was one of the most beautiful places a child can grow up in. You are surrounded by nature - cats, dogs, birds…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/amala-akkineni/my-school-was-one-of-the-most-beautiful-places-a-child-can-grow-up-in/) [Amala Akkineni](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/amala-akkineni/) > [A lesser complaint: hair extensions. There are moments on 'All My Children' when half the women actors, young and old, seem to be afflicted…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/camille-paglia/a-lesser-complaint-hair-extensions-there-are-moments-on-all-my/) [Camille Paglia](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/camille-paglia/) > [As a child, I had a lot of older gay men taking care of me. There's a trust there. I feel like little girls…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/margaret-cho/as-a-child-i-had-a-lot-of-older-gay-men-taking-care-of-me-there-s-a/) [Margaret Cho](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/margaret-cho/) > [If my child had prejudice in his head, I'd be ashamed. I would see it as my failure as a parent.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/salman-rushdie/if-my-child-had-prejudice-in-his-head-i-d-be-ashamed-i-would-see-it/) [Salman Rushdie](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/salman-rushdie/) > [“Children's lives are always beginning and adults' lives are always ending. Or is it the opposite? Your childhood is always ending and your adult…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alison-espach/children-s-lives-are-always-beginning-and-adults-lives-are-always/) [Alison Espach](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alison-espach/) > [As a child I was very involved with sports and I knew at age 9 that I wanted to be an Olympic champion.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/marion-jones/as-a-child-i-was-very-involved-with-sports-and-i-knew-at-age-9-that-i/) [Marion Jones](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/marion-jones/) [Browse all 62,396 Children quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/children/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Children have an amazing ability to perceive this need in the parent(s). The true self of the child seems to know it unconsciously. I’ll expand on this in Chapter Thirteen. By taking on the role of supplying his shame-based parent’s narcissistic gratification, the child secures love and a sense of being needed and not abandoned. This process is a reversal of the order of nature. Now the child is taking care of the parents’ needs, rather than the parents taking care of the child’s needs. This caregiver role is strangely paradoxical. In an attempt to secure parental love and avoid being abandoned, the child is in fact being abandoned. Since the child is there for the parent, there is no one to mirror the child’s feelings and drives and nurture the child’s needs.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/children-have-an-amazing-ability-to-perceive-this-need-in-the-parent/", "about": { "@type": "Thing", "name": "Children" }, "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/children-have-an-amazing-ability-to-perceive-this-need-in-the-parent/#quotation", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b48/john-bradshaw-2227_children_children-have-an-amazing-ability-to-perc_370197.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b48/john-bradshaw-2227_children_children-have-an-amazing-ability-to-perc_370197.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b48/john-bradshaw-2227_children_children-have-an-amazing-ability-to-perc_370197.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Children have an amazing ability to perceive this need in the parent(s). The true self of the child seems to…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } }, { "@type": "BreadcrumbList", "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "name": "Home", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "name": "Quotes", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "name": "John Bradshaw", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "name": "“Children have an amazing ability to...", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/children-have-an-amazing-ability-to-perceive-this-need-in-the-parent/" } ], "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/children-have-an-amazing-ability-to-perceive-this-need-in-the-parent/#breadcrumb" }, { "@type": "WebSite", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "publisher": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } }, { "@type": "Organization", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "logo": { "@type": "ImageObject", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/themes/sq/assets/icons/icon-512.png", "width": 512, "height": 512 } } ] } ```