--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: ...[A] certain degree of un-understanding…" description: "\"“...[A] certain degree of un-understanding (not mis-, but un-) is the only possible sanctuary which one human being can offer to another in the midst o..." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d7d/jan-struther-13125_happy-marriage_a-certain-degree-of-un-understanding-not_980498.jpg" --- # ...\[A\] certain degree of un-understanding (not mis-, but… ![“...[A] certain degree of un-understanding (not mis-, but un-) is the only possible sanctuary which one human being can offer to another in the midst of the devastating intimacy of a happy marriage.” quote by Jan Struther](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d7d/jan-struther-13125_happy-marriage_a-certain-degree-of-un-understanding-not_980498.jpg) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d7d/jan-struther-13125_happy-marriage_a-certain-degree-of-un-understanding-not_980498.jpg) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d7d/jan-struther-13125_happy-marriage_a-certain-degree-of-un-understanding-not_980498.jpg) > ““...\[A\] certain degree of un-understanding (not mis-, but un-) is the only possible sanctuary which one human being can offer to another in the midst of the devastating intimacy of a happy marriage.”” [Jan Struther](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jan-struther/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. Understanding between partners may be limited; accepting this uncertainty can protect the relationship. **In simple terms:** Accept limited understanding in marriage. Key Takeaway Embrace uncertainty together. Themes marriage intimacy understanding Mood empathetic thoughtful Type philosophical poetic When to use this quote - Couples counseling - relationship advice - personal reflection - literary analysis Key Concepts Sanctuary of uncertainty human connection Questions to Reflect On - How do you create space for uncertainty? - What sanctuaries can partners share? A Different Perspective May excuse lack of effort to understand. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Devastating Intimacy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/devastating-intimacy-1943806/) [Happy marriage](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/happy-marriage/) [Intimacy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/intimacy/) [Intimacy Happy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/intimacy-happy-1943807/) [Marriage](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/marriage/) [Possible Sanctuary](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/possible-sanctuary-1943808/) [Romance](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/romance/) [Understanding](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/understanding/) ## Related quotes > [Intimacy is not a happy medium. It is a way of being in which the tension between distance and closeness is dissolved and a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/henri-nouwen/intimacy-is-not-a-happy-medium-it-is-a-way-of-being-in-which-the/) [Henri Nouwen](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/henri-nouwen/) > [One would hope, as well that intimacy would leave more of a mark, that more of it would remain. But it doesn’t. You just…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/hanif-kureishi/one-would-hope-as-well-that-intimacy-would-leave-more-of-a-mark-that/) [Hanif Kureishi](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/hanif-kureishi/) > [“Intimacy needs time to mature—a shared history, tears shed, obstacles overcome, photographs in an album. It’s a slow-growing plant.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/isabel-allende/intimacy-needs-time-to-mature-a-shared-history-tears-shed-obstacles/) [Isabel Allende](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/isabel-allende/) > [“Lack of intimacy among friends is a mistake that cannot be censured without becoming irreparable.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nietzsche-friedrich-wilhelm/lack-of-intimacy-among-friends-is-a-mistake-that-cannot-be-censured/) [NIETZSCHE FRIEDRICH WILHELM](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nietzsche-friedrich-wilhelm/) > [True intimacy is the experience of real acceptance and authentic vulnerability without feeling the need to apologize or fear rejection. The freedom to just…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jordan-blake-michiels/true-intimacy-is-the-experience-of-real-acceptance-and-authentic/) [Jordan Blake Michiels](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jordan-blake-michiels/) > [Physical love is total intimacy. It is the sign that the lovers have nothing to refuse each other, that they belong wholly to each…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jacques-leclercq/physical-love-is-total-intimacy-it-is-the-sign-that-the-lovers-have/) [Jacques Leclercq](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jacques-leclercq/) > [Communication is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/deborah-tannen/communication-is-a-continual-balancing-act-juggling-the-conflicting/) [Deborah Tannen](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/deborah-tannen/) > [I want to engage people in an honest, enlightened, and provocative conversation about the nature of erotic desire and the intricacies of intimacy and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/i-want-to-engage-people-in-an-honest-enlightened-and-provocative/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [Awe combined with intimacy is the essence of Christian worship.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/awe-combined-with-intimacy-is-the-essence-of-christian-worship/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) > [“You thought I was answering "As you wish" but that's only because you were hearing wrong. "I love you" was what it was, but…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/william-goldman/you-thought-i-was-answering-as-you-wish-but-that-s-only-because-you/) [William Goldman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/william-goldman/) > [Is it any wonder that for millions of men the only intimacy is physical, silent, and predictable?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phil-donahue/is-it-any-wonder-that-for-millions-of-men-the-only-intimacy-is/) [Phil Donahue](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phil-donahue/) > [“Intercourse is one thing, Intimacy is everything. Be encouraged”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kerry-e-wagner/intercourse-is-one-thing-intimacy-is-everything-be-encouraged/) [Kerry E. Wagner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kerry-e-wagner/) > [Intimacy requires an ability to both merge and be separate, to come together and be apart, like oscillating on a giant swing from oneness…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/charlotte-sophia-kasl/intimacy-requires-an-ability-to-both-merge-and-be-separate-to-come/) [Charlotte Sophia Kasl](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/charlotte-sophia-kasl/) > [“One single syllable of intimacy and the world is put to rights.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-boyne/one-single-syllable-of-intimacy-and-the-world-is-put-to-rights/) [John Boyne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-boyne/) > [“It's morning now, and I miss the soft rasp of her voice already. Ugh. I'm in trouble, aren't I?”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/pat-shand/it-s-morning-now-and-i-miss-the-soft-rasp-of-her-voice-already-ugh-i/) [Pat Shand](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/pat-shand/) ## More by Jan Struther > [Things happen too quickly, crisis follows crisis, the soil of our minds is perpetually disturbed. Each of us, to relieve his feelings, broadcasts his…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jan-struther/things-happen-too-quickly-crisis-follows-crisis-the-soil-of-our-minds/) [Jan Struther](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jan-struther/) > [“It was more like a form of claustrophobia -- a dread of exchanging the freedom of her own self-imposed routine for the inescapable burden…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jan-struther/it-was-more-like-a-form-of-claustrophobia-a-dread-of-exchanging-the/) [Jan Struther](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jan-struther/) > [“Mrs. Miniver suddenly understood why she was enjoying the forties so much better than she had enjoyed the thirties: it was the difference between…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jan-struther/mrs-miniver-suddenly-understood-why-she-was-enjoying-the-forties-so/) [Jan Struther](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jan-struther/) > [To be put down in this world, and given only eighty years to get to know it in, is like being let loose in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jan-struther/to-be-put-down-in-this-world-and-given-only-eighty-years-to-get-to/) [Jan Struther](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jan-struther/) > [ “...\[Y\]ou cannot successfully navigate the future unless you keep always framed beside it a small clear image of the past.” ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jan-struther/y-ou-cannot-successfully-navigate-the-future-unless-you-keep-always/) [Jan Struther](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jan-struther/) > [One is what one remembers: no more, no less.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jan-struther/one-is-what-one-remembers-no-more-no-less/) [Jan Struther](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jan-struther/) > [In childhood the daylight always fails too soon -- except when there are going to be fireworks;](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jan-struther/in-childhood-the-daylight-always-fails-too-soon-except-when-there-are/) [Jan Struther](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jan-struther/) > [I can't abide cats myself, but of course we have to have one in the kitchen to deal with the mice. I insisted on…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jan-struther/i-can-t-abide-cats-myself-but-of-course-we-have-to-have-one-in-the/) [Jan Struther](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jan-struther/) > [swans ... always look as though they'd just been reading their own fan-mail.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jan-struther/swans-always-look-as-though-they-d-just-been-reading-their-own-fan/) [Jan Struther](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jan-struther/) > [It seemed to her sometimes that the most important thing about marriage was not a home or children or a remedy against sin, but…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jan-struther/it-seemed-to-her-sometimes-that-the-most-important-thing-about/) [Jan Struther](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jan-struther/) > [Physical weather certainly is beyond our control. ... But human weather - the psychological climate of the world - is not beyond our control.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jan-struther/physical-weather-certainly-is-beyond-our-control-but-human-weather/) [Jan Struther](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jan-struther/) > [Scots are born exiles, and Scotland the perfect country to be exiled from. Do not imagine that I am running down Scotland. Far from…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jan-struther/scots-are-born-exiles-and-scotland-the-perfect-country-to-be-exiled/) [Jan Struther](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jan-struther/) > [It took me forty years on earth To reach this sure conclusion: There is no Heaven but clarity, No Hell except confusion.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jan-struther/it-took-me-forty-years-on-earth-to-reach-this-sure-conclusion-there/) [Jan Struther](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jan-struther/) > [It's just as important to marry the right life as the right person.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jan-struther/it-s-just-as-important-to-marry-the-right-life-as-the-right-person/) [Jan Struther](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jan-struther/) > [Giving a party is like having a baby: its conception is more fun than its completion; and once you have begun it, it is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jan-struther/giving-a-party-is-like-having-a-baby-its-conception-is-more-fun-than/) [Jan Struther](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jan-struther/) [Explore all 51 Jan Struther quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jan-struther/) ## More Happy marriage quotes > [Divorce isn't such a tragedy. A tragedy's staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jennifer-weiner/divorce-isn-t-such-a-tragedy-a-tragedy-s-staying-in-an-unhappy/) [Jennifer Weiner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jennifer-weiner/) > [Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and halfway closed there after.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-dobson/keep-your-eyes-wide-open-before-marriage-and-halfway-closed-there/) [James Dobson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-dobson/) > [A happy marriage has in it all the pleasures of a friendship, all the enjoyments of sense and reason, and indeed, all the sweets…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/a-happy-marriage-has-in-it-all-the-pleasures-of-a-friendship-all-the/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) > [Sensual pleasures have the fleeting brilliance of a comet; a happy marriage has the tranquillity of a lovely sunset.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ann-landers/sensual-pleasures-have-the-fleeting-brilliance-of-a-comet-a-happy/) [Ann Landers](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ann-landers/) > [Why? Why does what was beautiful suddenly shatter in hindsight because it concealed dark truths? Why does the memory of years of happy marriage…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bernhard-schlink/why-why-does-what-was-beautiful-suddenly-shatter-in-hindsight-because/) [Bernhard Schlink](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bernhard-schlink/) > [If you will make your first concern the comfort, the well-being, and the happiness of your companion, sublimating any personal concern to that loftier…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gordon-b-hinckley/if-you-will-make-your-first-concern-the-comfort-the-well-being-and/) [Gordon B. Hinckley](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gordon-b-hinckley/) > [What is right for one couple is wrong for another. I would say that there are many more important factors to a happy marriage.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/elizabeth-aston/what-is-right-for-one-couple-is-wrong-for-another-i-would-say-that/) [Elizabeth Aston](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-aston/) > [When I got married in my twenties, I had a happy marriage and happy kids but at some point in time I let it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stuart-rose/when-i-got-married-in-my-twenties-i-had-a-happy-marriage-and-happy/) [Stuart Rose](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stuart-rose/) > [“It is lack of communication that leads to unhappy marriage.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lailah-gifty-akita/it-is-lack-of-communication-that-leads-to-unhappy-marriage/) [Lailah Gifty Akita](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lailah-gifty-akita/) > [Those who have made unhappy marriages walk on stilts, while the happy ones are on a level with the crowd. No one sees 'em!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/pearl-mary-teresa-craigie/those-who-have-made-unhappy-marriages-walk-on-stilts-while-the-happy/) [Pearl Mary Teresa Craigie](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/pearl-mary-teresa-craigie/) > [“Fourth time's the charm," she says to people who ask her what the secret of a happy marriage is, but that's not the way…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alice-hoffman/fourth-time-s-the-charm-she-says-to-people-who-ask-her-what-the/) [Alice Hoffman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alice-hoffman/) > [A man imagines a happy marriage as a marriage of love; even if he makes fun of marriages that are without love, or feels…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-k-chesterton/a-man-imagines-a-happy-marriage-as-a-marriage-of-love-even-if-he/) [Gilbert K. Chesterton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-k-chesterton/) > [Stuck in an unhappy marriage on the path to divorce, my father concluded that abortion should be the solution to the unplanned, unwanted pregnancy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/brett-cooper/stuck-in-an-unhappy-marriage-on-the-path-to-divorce-my-father/) [Brett Cooper](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/brett-cooper/) > [Another ingredient in a happy marriage: Budget the luxuries first!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/robert-a-heinlein/another-ingredient-in-a-happy-marriage-budget-the-luxuries-first/) [Robert A. Heinlein](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/robert-a-heinlein/) > [Marriage enlarges the scene of our happiness and of our miseries. A marriage of love is pleasant, of interest, easy, and where both meet,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/joseph-addison/marriage-enlarges-the-scene-of-our-happiness-and-of-our-miseries-a/) [Joseph Addison](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/joseph-addison/) [Browse all 254 Happy marriage quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/happy-marriage/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“...[A] certain degree of un-understanding (not mis-, but un-) is the only possible sanctuary which one human being can offer to another in the midst of the devastating intimacy of a happy marriage.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jan Struther" }, "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jan-struther/a-certain-degree-of-un-understanding-not-mis-but-un-is-the-only/", "about": { "@type": "Thing", "name": "Happy marriage" }, "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jan-struther/a-certain-degree-of-un-understanding-not-mis-but-un-is-the-only/#quotation", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d7d/jan-struther-13125_happy-marriage_a-certain-degree-of-un-understanding-not_980498.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d7d/jan-struther-13125_happy-marriage_a-certain-degree-of-un-understanding-not_980498.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d7d/jan-struther-13125_happy-marriage_a-certain-degree-of-un-understanding-not_980498.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“...[A] certain degree of un-understanding (not mis-, but un-) is the only possible sanctuary which one human…” — Jan Struther", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } }, { "@type": "BreadcrumbList", "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "name": "Home", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "name": "Quotes", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "name": "Jan Struther", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jan-struther/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "name": "“...[A] certain degree of un-understanding (not...", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jan-struther/a-certain-degree-of-un-understanding-not-mis-but-un-is-the-only/" } ], "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jan-struther/a-certain-degree-of-un-understanding-not-mis-but-un-is-the-only/#breadcrumb" }, { "@type": "WebSite", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "publisher": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } }, { "@type": "Organization", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "logo": { "@type": "ImageObject", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/themes/sq/assets/icons/icon-512.png", "width": 512, "height": 512 } } ] } ```