--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: I have thought and thought since you were…" description: "\"“I have thought and thought since you were gone, and there is something I wish to say.' Cardan's face is serious, almost grave, in a way that he seldom..." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b55/holly-black-329_cardan_i-have-thought-and-thought-since-you-wer_434570.jpg" --- # I have thought and thought since you were gone, and there… ![“I have thought and thought since you were gone, and there is something I wish to say.' Cardan's face is serious, almost grave, in a way that he seldom allows himself to be. 'When my father sent me away, at first I tried to prove that I was nothing like he thought me. But when that didn't work, I…” quote by Holly Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b55/holly-black-329_cardan_i-have-thought-and-thought-since-you-wer_434570.jpg) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b55/holly-black-329_cardan_i-have-thought-and-thought-since-you-wer_434570.jpg) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b55/holly-black-329_cardan_i-have-thought-and-thought-since-you-wer_434570.jpg) > ““I have thought and thought since you were gone, and there is something I wish to say.' Cardan's face is serious, almost grave, in a way that he seldom allows himself to be. 'When my father sent me away, at first I tried to prove that I was nothing like he thought me. But when that didn't work, I tried to be exactly what he believed I was instead. If he thought I was bad, I would be worse. If he thought I was cruel, I would be horrifying. I would live down to his every expectation. If I couldn't have his favour, then I would have his wrath. 'Balekin did not know what to do with me. He made me attend his debauches, made me serve wine and food to show off his tame little prince. When I grew older and more ill-tempered, he grew to like having someone to discipline. His disappointments were my lashing, his insecurities my flaws. And yet, he was the first person who saw something in me he liked- himself. He encouraged all my cruelty, inflamed all my rage. And I got worse. 'I wasn't kind, Jude. Not to many people. Not to you. I wasn't sure if I wanted you or if I wanted you gone from my sight so that I would stop feeling as I did, which made me even more unkind. But when you were gone- truly gone beneath the waves- I hated myself as I never have before.' I am so surprised by his words that I keep trying to find the trick in them. He can't truly mean what he's saying. 'Perhaps I am foolish, but I am not a fool. You like something about me,' he says, mischief lighting his face, making its planes more familiar. 'The challenge? My pretty eyes? No matter, because there is more you do not like and I know it. I can't trust you. Still, when you were gone I had to make a great many decisions, and so much of what I did right was imagining you beside me, Jude, giving me a bunch of ridiculous orders I nonetheless obeyed.' I am robbed of speech. He laughs, his warm hand going to my shoulder. 'Either I've surprised you or you are as ill as Madoc claimed.”” [Holly Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/holly-black/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. The narrator struggles with identity, expectations, and self‑destruction, seeking meaning after loss. **In simple terms:** A person wrestles with self‑image and grief. Key Takeaway Explore authentic self beyond others' expectations. Themes identity grief self‑destruction Mood introspective somber Type literary psychological When to use this quote - therapy - creative writing - personal loss Key Concepts expectation self‑image healing Questions to Reflect On - What expectations shape you? - How can you honor loss without self‑harm? 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When my father sent me to win you, I loved you already.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anne-elisabeth-stengl/i-chose-to-long-ago-long-before-we-met-when-my-father-sent-me-to-win/) [Anne Elisabeth Stengl](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anne-elisabeth-stengl/) > [When our Lord says, 'I have not spoken of Myself' (Jn. 12:49), and again, 'As the Father said to Me, so I speak' (Jn.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/saint-basil/when-our-lord-says-i-have-not-spoken-of-myself-jn-12-49-and-again-as/) [Saint Basil](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/saint-basil/) > [“My father sent him out to civilize the lost sons he’d neglected, but damn me if all I’ve seen him do is marry us…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/karen-hawkins/my-father-sent-him-out-to-civilize-the-lost-sons-he-d-neglected-but/) [Karen Hawkins](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/karen-hawkins/) > [“Whoever does not honor the Son does not honor the Father who sent him.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/whoever-does-not-honor-the-son-does-not-honor-the-father-who-sent-him/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) ## More by Holly Black > [“What they don’t realize is this: Yes, they frighten me, but I have always been scared, since the day I got here. 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'I'm a curse breaker, fool.'…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/holly-black/let-her-alone-said-the-enkanto-or-i-will-curse-you-blind-lame-and/) [Holly Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/holly-black/) > [“lt's an honor and a delight to meet you and a tragedy you're here”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/holly-black/lt-s-an-honor-and-a-delight-to-meet-you-and-a-tragedy-you-re-here/) [Holly Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/holly-black/) > [“No fire at all.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/holly-black/no-fire-at-all/) [Holly Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/holly-black/) > [“His wax-white skin was cool to the touch when she brushed his neck to find the knot of cloth. She'd never been this close…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/holly-black/his-wax-white-skin-was-cool-to-the-touch-when-she-brushed-his-neck-to/) [Holly Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/holly-black/) > [So what are you really wearing?" The words left her mouth before she could consider them. She winced. He didn't seem to mind; in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/holly-black/so-what-are-you-really-wearing-the-words-left-her-mouth-before-she/) [Holly Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/holly-black/) > [“I grab a chair. "I don't mean to pry," I say, "but we're in a hospital. You sure you're fine?" She sighs heavily. "No…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/holly-black/i-grab-a-chair-i-don-t-mean-to-pry-i-say-but-we-re-in-a-hospital-you/) [Holly Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/holly-black/) > [Kaye: You know what the sun looks like? Janet: No, What? Kaye: Like he slit his wrists in a bathtub and the blood is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/holly-black/kaye-you-know-what-the-sun-looks-like-janet-no-what-kaye-like-he-slit/) [Holly Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/holly-black/) > [“That was how she felt, right then. As if there was too much of her, as if her skin was tight with muchness. She…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/holly-black/that-was-how-she-felt-right-then-as-if-there-was-too-much-of-her-as/) [Holly Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/holly-black/) > [“It was a vow, a piece of a chant, their scripture, something they took so seriously that saying it aloud embarrassed them.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/holly-black/it-was-a-vow-a-piece-of-a-chant-their-scripture-something-they-took/) [Holly Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/holly-black/) > [“Some broken things stay broken”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/holly-black/some-broken-things-stay-broken/) [Holly Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/holly-black/) [Explore all 666 Holly Black quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/holly-black/) ## More Cardan quotes > [“Oak gave up his room so they could sleep there, and although the bed is small, Cardan cannot mind when he takes Jude in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/holly-black/oak-gave-up-his-room-so-they-could-sleep-there-and-although-the-bed/) [Holly Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/holly-black/) > [“Are you angry about-' He cuts himself off, looking at my face more carefully. 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'But…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/holly-black/you-should-go-this-is-my-room-he-points-out-affronted-and-that-s-my/) [Holly Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/holly-black/) > [“Jude, he'd said, running a hand up my calf, are you afraid of me?”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/holly-black/jude-he-d-said-running-a-hand-up-my-calf-are-you-afraid-of-me/) [Holly Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/holly-black/) > [“The Roach clasps his hand on the back of my neck with a laugh. 'You did good, kid, you know that? You came out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/holly-black/the-roach-clasps-his-hand-on-the-back-of-my-neck-with-a-laugh-you-did/) [Holly Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/holly-black/) > [“I recall that your hands were on her, but her eyes were on me,' Cardan returns.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/holly-black/i-recall-that-your-hands-were-on-her-but-her-eyes-were-on-me-cardan/) [Holly Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/holly-black/) > [“The next time you want to make a point,' Jude says, 'I beg you not to make it so dramatically.' His shoulder hurts, and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/holly-black/the-next-time-you-want-to-make-a-point-jude-says-i-beg-you-not-to/) [Holly Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/holly-black/) [Browse all 92 Cardan quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/cardan/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“I have thought and thought since you were gone, and there is something I wish to say.' Cardan's face is serious, almost grave, in a way that he seldom allows himself to be. 'When my father sent me away, at first I tried to prove that I was nothing like he thought me. But when that didn't work, I tried to be exactly what he believed I was instead. If he thought I was bad, I would be worse. If he thought I was cruel, I would be horrifying. I would live down to his every expectation. If I couldn't have his favour, then I would have his wrath. 'Balekin did not know what to do with me. He made me attend his debauches, made me serve wine and food to show off his tame little prince. When I grew older and more ill-tempered, he grew to like having someone to discipline. His disappointments were my lashing, his insecurities my flaws. And yet, he was the first person who saw something in me he liked- himself. He encouraged all my cruelty, inflamed all my rage. And I got worse. 'I wasn't kind, Jude. Not to many people. Not to you. I wasn't sure if I wanted you or if I wanted you gone from my sight so that I would stop feeling as I did, which made me even more unkind. But when you were gone- truly gone beneath the waves- I hated myself as I never have before.' I am so surprised by his words that I keep trying to find the trick in them. He can't truly mean what he's saying. 'Perhaps I am foolish, but I am not a fool. You like something about me,' he says, mischief lighting his face, making its planes more familiar. 'The challenge? My pretty eyes? No matter, because there is more you do not like and I know it. I can't trust you. Still, when you were gone I had to make a great many decisions, and so much of what I did right was imagining you beside me, Jude, giving me a bunch of ridiculous orders I nonetheless obeyed.' I am robbed of speech. He laughs, his warm hand going to my shoulder. 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