--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: Intensity is not the same as intimacy…" description: "\"Intensity is not the same as intimacy, although we tend to confuse these two words.\" — Harriet Lerner" image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ad8/harriet-lerner-4248_intensity_intensity-is-not-the-same-as-intimacy-al_2862883.jpg" --- # Intensity is not the same as intimacy, although we tend to… ![“Intensity is not the same as intimacy, although we tend to confuse these two words.” quote by Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ad8/harriet-lerner-4248_intensity_intensity-is-not-the-same-as-intimacy-al_2862883.jpg) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ad8/harriet-lerner-4248_intensity_intensity-is-not-the-same-as-intimacy-al_2862883.jpg) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ad8/harriet-lerner-4248_intensity_intensity-is-not-the-same-as-intimacy-al_2862883.jpg) > “Intensity is not the same as intimacy, although we tend to confuse these two words.” [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. Intensity reflects strong energy, while intimacy requires closeness and trust; confusing them can lead to shallow relationships. **In simple terms:** Intensity is not intimacy; they differ. Key Takeaway Seek genuine closeness, not just excitement. Themes relationships psychology communication Mood reflective cautious Type advice psychological When to use this quote - dating - friendships - therapy - team dynamics Key Concepts emotional depth boundary setting Questions to Reflect On - Do you mistake excitement for closeness? - How can you foster real intimacy? A Different Perspective Intensity can mask lack of true connection. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Intensity](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/intensity/) [Intimacy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/intimacy/) [Romance](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/romance/) ## Related quotes > [With fame there is a crosswire between intensity and intimacy. 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Words come cheap.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mae-west/all-the-raves-were-just-words-you-don-t-want-to-let-words-confuse-you/) [Mae West](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mae-west/) > [People confuse being full of words with being terribly intelligent and informed.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gyles-brandreth/people-confuse-being-full-of-words-with-being-terribly-intelligent/) [Gyles Brandreth](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gyles-brandreth/) > [There is no more moving a professional relationship than that between a law clerk and a Supreme Court justice. As a place to work,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/cliff-sloan/there-is-no-more-moving-a-professional-relationship-than-that-between/) [Cliff Sloan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/cliff-sloan/) > [Through words we come to know the other person--and to be known. This knowing is at the heart of our deepest longings for intimacy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/through-words-we-come-to-know-the-other-person-and-to-be-known-this/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [“What' and ‘if’ two words as nonthreatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/letters-to-juliet/what-and-if-two-words-as-nonthreatening-as-words-come-but-put-them/) Letters to Juliet > [“I’m like a tree frog when it comes to birthdays. Basically, my thoughts on birthdays can be summed up in two words: tree and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/i-m-like-a-tree-frog-when-it-comes-to-birthdays-basically-my-thoughts/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) > [“The essential truth of life, he was coming to realize, wasn't romantic an took only two words to label: Shit. Happens.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/j-r-ward/the-essential-truth-of-life-he-was-coming-to-realize-wasn-t-romantic/) [J.R. Ward](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/j-r-ward/) > [“Life’ and ‘Fair’ were two words that just didn’t belong in a sentence together – unless the word ‘Not’ was in there, too.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nikki-sex/life-and-fair-were-two-words-that-just-didn-t-belong-in-a-sentence/) [Nikki Sex](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nikki-sex/) > [“It's just that even though I'm totally old and unhip,I remember what boys in high school were like.Especially the kind like Jack Caputo." "What…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/brodi-ashton/it-s-just-that-even-though-i-m-totally-old-and-unhip-i-remember-what/) [Brodi Ashton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/brodi-ashton/) > [Darling, replied Valentine, has not the count just told us that all human wisdom was contained in these two words,- "Wait and hope"?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alexandre-dumas/darling-replied-valentine-has-not-the-count-just-told-us-that-all/) [Alexandre Dumas](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alexandre-dumas/) > [“Eat anything before you started drinking?" Xander asked. "Fuck off." "I can tell that vodka is helping you make great decisions." Javier glared. "Fuck…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/shayla-black/eat-anything-before-you-started-drinking-xander-asked-fuck-off-i-can/) [Shayla Black](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/shayla-black/) > [“Willa. Ellen. A world in two words.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/juliann-garey/willa-ellen-a-world-in-two-words/) [Juliann Garey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/juliann-garey/) > [“I only have two words to say More or Less”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/timbur/i-only-have-two-words-to-say-more-or-less/) TimBur ## More by Harriet Lerner > [“Letting go of anger and hate requires us to give up the hope for a different past, along with the hope of a fantasized…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/letting-go-of-anger-and-hate-requires-us-to-give-up-the-hope-for-a/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [“There’s a widespread belief that if you have solid self-esteem you don’t need outside affirmation and praise. This is patently untrue, by the way.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/there-s-a-widespread-belief-that-if-you-have-solid-self-esteem-you/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [It is an act of courage to acknowledge our own uncertainty and sit with it for a while.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/it-is-an-act-of-courage-to-acknowledge-our-own-uncertainty-and-sit/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [Silence can pose a greater threat than the difficult truth.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/silence-can-pose-a-greater-threat-than-the-difficult-truth/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [Nothing you say can ensure that the other person will get it, or respond the way you want. You may never exceed his threshold…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/nothing-you-say-can-ensure-that-the-other-person-will-get-it-or/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [If you exchanged wedding vows, tape them to your bathroom mirror and read them aloud to yourself every morning along with the ritual brushing…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/if-you-exchanged-wedding-vows-tape-them-to-your-bathroom-mirror-and/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [Kids want nothing more than for all the important adults in their life to get along.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/kids-want-nothing-more-than-for-all-the-important-adults-in-their/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [“People's sense of self worth is pivotal to their ability to look clearly at the hurt they've caused. The more solid one's sense of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/people-s-sense-of-self-worth-is-pivotal-to-their-ability-to-look/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [Being able to make a sincere apology - one that says, "Yes, I get it; I screwed up. Your feelings make sense, and I'm…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/being-able-to-make-a-sincere-apology-one-that-says-yes-i-get-it-i/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [“Everyone freaks out. Sometimes the best we can do with fear is befriend it. Expect it and understand that fear will always reappear. Eventually…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/everyone-freaks-out-sometimes-the-best-we-can-do-with-fear-is/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [The bolder and more courageous you are, the more you will learn about yourself.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/the-bolder-and-more-courageous-you-are-the-more-you-will-learn-about/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [Underground issues from one relationship or context invariably fuel our fires in another.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/underground-issues-from-one-relationship-or-context-invariably-fuel/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [There are some things for which there is no apology, and on the question of slavery, there is no adequate apology for ripping people…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/there-are-some-things-for-which-there-is-no-apology-and-on-the/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [Don't count on the power of your love or your nagging to create something that wasn't there to begin with.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/don-t-count-on-the-power-of-your-love-or-your-nagging-to-create/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [If we only listened with the same passion that we feel about being heard.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/if-we-only-listened-with-the-same-passion-that-we-feel-about-being/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) [Explore all 113 Harriet Lerner quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) ## More Intensity quotes > [Public infrastructure around the world is facing unprecedented stress, with hurricanes, cyclones, floods and forest fires all increasing in frequency and intensity. It's easy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/naomi-klein/public-infrastructure-around-the-world-is-facing-unprecedented-stress/) [Naomi Klein](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/naomi-klein/) > [A dialogue is very important. It is a form of communication in which question and answer continue till a question is left without an…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jiddu-krishnamurti/a-dialogue-is-very-important-it-is-a-form-of-communication-in-which/) [Jiddu Krishnamurti](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jiddu-krishnamurti/) > [Total depravity means the entire absence of holiness, not the highest intensity of sin. A totally depraved man is not as bad as he…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/william-greenough-thayer-shedd/total-depravity-means-the-entire-absence-of-holiness-not-the-highest/) [William Greenough Thayer Shedd](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/william-greenough-thayer-shedd/) > [Memories seem to surface in no particular order, with no time attached. Yesterday can seem as distant as last year. My life now consists…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/linda-olsson/memories-seem-to-surface-in-no-particular-order-with-no-time-attached/) [Linda Olsson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/linda-olsson/) > [What I've talked about the entire series and throughout this playoffs is about intensity and effort, desire and will of our players.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-laimbeer/what-i-ve-talked-about-the-entire-series-and-throughout-this-playoffs/) [Bill Laimbeer](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-laimbeer/) > [These are the intensities that one cannot live with, that he has to outgrow if he wants to survive. But who can help grieving…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tennessee-williams/these-are-the-intensities-that-one-cannot-live-with-that-he-has-to/) [Tennessee Williams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tennessee-williams/) > [Consider developing your whole self with the same raw focus and intensity that you develop a particular skill set. Get focused. Go out, have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-holden/consider-developing-your-whole-self-with-the-same-raw-focus-and/) [Anthony Holden](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-holden/) > [I never wanted to do away with my intensity because I felt it was a gift that helped put fuel in my engine, giving…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-j-meyer/i-never-wanted-to-do-away-with-my-intensity-because-i-felt-it-was-a/) [Paul J. Meyer](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-j-meyer/) > [I think the emotional toolbox I have is healthy for an actor, as far as the intensity of emotions go. It's other things I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/shannyn-sossamon/i-think-the-emotional-toolbox-i-have-is-healthy-for-an-actor-as-far/) [Shannyn Sossamon](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/shannyn-sossamon/) > [Old Korn records had so much intensity.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/chino-moreno/old-korn-records-had-so-much-intensity/) [Chino Moreno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/chino-moreno/) > [Bailey might not have great intelligence or abilities, but his whole aim, thought and study was that of the born leader--to look out for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-gould-cozzens/bailey-might-not-have-great-intelligence-or-abilities-but-his-whole/) [James Gould Cozzens](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-gould-cozzens/) > [... another guitar player who had a tremendous influence on my life was Howard Roberts ... I'd listened to a lot of Tal Farlow,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jeff-baxter/another-guitar-player-who-had-a-tremendous-influence-on-my-life-was/) [Jeff Baxter](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jeff-baxter/) > [Martyrdom has always been a proof of the intensity, never of the correctness of a belief.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/arthur-schnitzler/martyrdom-has-always-been-a-proof-of-the-intensity-never-of-the/) [Arthur Schnitzler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/arthur-schnitzler/) > [As to virtue . . . it is an act of the will, a habit which increases the quantity, intensity and quality of life.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alexis-carrel/as-to-virtue-it-is-an-act-of-the-will-a-habit-which-increases-the/) [Alexis Carrel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alexis-carrel/) > [You have to make that stand out from the rest of the three hours. There are times when I'm having fun and being loose,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/joe-buck/you-have-to-make-that-stand-out-from-the-rest-of-the-three-hours/) [Joe Buck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/joe-buck/) [Browse all 1,001 Intensity quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/intensity/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Intensity is not the same as intimacy, although we tend to confuse these two words.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Harriet Lerner" }, "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/intensity-is-not-the-same-as-intimacy-although-we-tend-to-confuse/", "about": { "@type": "Thing", "name": "Intensity" }, "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/intensity-is-not-the-same-as-intimacy-although-we-tend-to-confuse/#quotation", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ad8/harriet-lerner-4248_intensity_intensity-is-not-the-same-as-intimacy-al_2862883.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ad8/harriet-lerner-4248_intensity_intensity-is-not-the-same-as-intimacy-al_2862883.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ad8/harriet-lerner-4248_intensity_intensity-is-not-the-same-as-intimacy-al_2862883.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Intensity is not the same as intimacy, although we tend to confuse these two words.” — Harriet Lerner", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } }, { "@type": "BreadcrumbList", "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "name": "Home", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "name": "Quotes", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "name": "Harriet Lerner", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "name": "Intensity is not the same as...", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/intensity-is-not-the-same-as-intimacy-although-we-tend-to-confuse/" } ], "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/intensity-is-not-the-same-as-intimacy-although-we-tend-to-confuse/#breadcrumb" }, { "@type": "WebSite", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "publisher": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } }, { "@type": "Organization", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "logo": { "@type": "ImageObject", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/themes/sq/assets/icons/icon-512.png", "width": 512, "height": 512 } } ] } ```