--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: I'd say that while it's normal to long…" description: "\"I'd say that while it's normal to long for an apology, if you really need it, you're not ready to speak to whoever harmed you. Non-apologizers tend to ..." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/efc/harriet-lerner-4248_apology_i-d-say-that-while-it-s-normal-to-long-f_2883107.jpg" --- # I'd say that while it's normal to long for an apology, if… ![“I'd say that while it's normal to long for an apology, if you really need it, you're not ready to speak to whoever harmed you. Non-apologizers tend to walk on a tightrope of defensiveness above a huge canyon of low self-esteem - they just can't listen to anything that's going to set them off…” quote by Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/efc/harriet-lerner-4248_apology_i-d-say-that-while-it-s-normal-to-long-f_2883107.jpg) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/efc/harriet-lerner-4248_apology_i-d-say-that-while-it-s-normal-to-long-f_2883107.jpg) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/efc/harriet-lerner-4248_apology_i-d-say-that-while-it-s-normal-to-long-f_2883107.jpg) > “I'd say that while it's normal to long for an apology, if you really need it, you're not ready to speak to whoever harmed you. Non-apologizers tend to walk on a tightrope of defensiveness above a huge canyon of low self-esteem - they just can't listen to anything that's going to set them off balance. So focus on what you say for your own sake, because you need to hear your own voice telling the truth.” [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. Seeking an apology often masks deeper readiness to confront harm; focusing on self‑expression empowers personal truth and reduces defensiveness. **In simple terms:** Apology isn’t always readiness for healing. Key Takeaway Speak your truth for self‑clarity. Themes self‑healing communication defensiveness Mood introspective empathetic Type advice philosophical When to use this quote - personal conflict - self‑reflection - therapy Key Concepts psychology self‑awareness Questions to Reflect On - What does your inner voice need to hear? - How can you protect yourself without an apology? A Different Perspective Apology may not resolve underlying issues. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Apologizers Tend](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/apologizers-tend-4007359/) [Apology](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/apology/) [Apology Really](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/apology-really-4007358/) [Balance](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/balance/) [Defensiveness](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/defensiveness/) [Focus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/focus/) [Harmed Non](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/harmed-non-4007361/) [Long](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/long/) [Long Apology](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/long-apology-917603/) [Not ready](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/not-ready/) [Speak](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/speak/) [Speak Harmed](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/speak-harmed-4007360/) [Telling the truth](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/telling-the-truth/) ## Related quotes > [“Sometimes it feels like my entire relationship with Sawyer has been one long apology.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/katie-cotugno/sometimes-it-feels-like-my-entire-relationship-with-sawyer-has-been/) [Katie Cotugno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/katie-cotugno/) > [“Remember every mistreatment experience shows up to give you the opportunity to learn love at a deeper level. You don’t need to defend yourself…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kimberly-giles/remember-every-mistreatment-experience-shows-up-to-give-you-the/) [Kimberly Giles](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kimberly-giles/) > [ “Learning, and especially unlearning, can take place only in the absence of defensiveness… \[W\]e can drop our defenses only when we love and are… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/william-sloane-coffin/learning-and-especially-unlearning-can-take-place-only-in-the-absence/) [William Sloane Coffin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/william-sloane-coffin/) > [I would advise you against defensiveness on priciple. it precludes the best eventualities along with the worst. At the most basic level it expresses…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/marilynne-robinson/i-would-advise-you-against-defensiveness-on-priciple-it-precludes-the/) [Marilynne Robinson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/marilynne-robinson/) > [When people hear needs, it provokes compassion. When people hear diagnoses, it provokes defensiveness and attack.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/marshall-b-rosenberg/when-people-hear-needs-it-provokes-compassion-when-people-hear/) [Marshall B. Rosenberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/marshall-b-rosenberg/) > [There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one's errors. It not only clears up the air of guilt…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dale-carnegie/there-is-a-certain-degree-of-satisfaction-in-having-the-courage-to-2/) [Dale Carnegie](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dale-carnegie/) > [Humility is a quality for which I have only a limited admiration. In many phases of life it is a great mistake and degenerates…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/e-m-forster/humility-is-a-quality-for-which-i-have-only-a-limited-admiration-in/) [E. M. Forster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/e-m-forster/) > [There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one's errors.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dale-carnegie/there-is-a-certain-degree-of-satisfaction-in-having-the-courage-to/) [Dale Carnegie](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dale-carnegie/) > [Why should you want to give up a child's wise not-understanding in exchange for defensiveness and scorn, since not-understanding is, after all, a way…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rainer-maria-rilke/why-should-you-want-to-give-up-a-child-s-wise-not-understanding-in/) [Rainer Maria Rilke](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rainer-maria-rilke/) > [“All defensiveness stems from the need to be right and frustration over not being able to control others.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bryant-mcgill/all-defensiveness-stems-from-the-need-to-be-right-and-frustration/) [Bryant McGill](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bryant-mcgill/) > [“Defensiveness is usually someone silently screaming that they need you to value and respect them in disguise. When you look for deeper meanings behind…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/shannon-alder/defensiveness-is-usually-someone-silently-screaming-that-they-need/) [Shannon Alder](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/shannon-alder/) > [“It is not the absence of defensiveness that characterizes learning teams but the way defensiveness is faced”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/peter-m-senge/it-is-not-the-absence-of-defensiveness-that-characterizes-learning/) [Peter M. Senge](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/peter-m-senge/) > [“To switch effectively from defense to social engagement strategies, the nervous system must do two things: (1) assess risk, and (2) if the environment…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-w-porges/to-switch-effectively-from-defense-to-social-engagement-strategies/) [Stephen W. Porges](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-w-porges/) > [“When things get personal, we need to resist the natural male instinct to run for cover, man the defenses, or--worst of all--reach for the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jeff-feldhahn/when-things-get-personal-we-need-to-resist-the-natural-male-instinct/) [Jeff Feldhahn](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jeff-feldhahn/) > [A second characteristic of the process which for me is the good life, is that it involves an increasingly tendency to live fully in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/carl-rogers/a-second-characteristic-of-the-process-which-for-me-is-the-good-life/) [Carl Rogers](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/carl-rogers/) ## More by Harriet Lerner > [“Letting go of anger and hate requires us to give up the hope for a different past, along with the hope of a fantasized…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/letting-go-of-anger-and-hate-requires-us-to-give-up-the-hope-for-a/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [“There’s a widespread belief that if you have solid self-esteem you don’t need outside affirmation and praise. This is patently untrue, by the way.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/there-s-a-widespread-belief-that-if-you-have-solid-self-esteem-you/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [It is an act of courage to acknowledge our own uncertainty and sit with it for a while.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/it-is-an-act-of-courage-to-acknowledge-our-own-uncertainty-and-sit/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [Silence can pose a greater threat than the difficult truth.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/silence-can-pose-a-greater-threat-than-the-difficult-truth/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [Nothing you say can ensure that the other person will get it, or respond the way you want. You may never exceed his threshold…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/nothing-you-say-can-ensure-that-the-other-person-will-get-it-or/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [If you exchanged wedding vows, tape them to your bathroom mirror and read them aloud to yourself every morning along with the ritual brushing…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/if-you-exchanged-wedding-vows-tape-them-to-your-bathroom-mirror-and/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [Kids want nothing more than for all the important adults in their life to get along.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/kids-want-nothing-more-than-for-all-the-important-adults-in-their/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [“People's sense of self worth is pivotal to their ability to look clearly at the hurt they've caused. The more solid one's sense of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/people-s-sense-of-self-worth-is-pivotal-to-their-ability-to-look/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [Being able to make a sincere apology - one that says, "Yes, I get it; I screwed up. Your feelings make sense, and I'm…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/being-able-to-make-a-sincere-apology-one-that-says-yes-i-get-it-i/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [“Everyone freaks out. Sometimes the best we can do with fear is befriend it. Expect it and understand that fear will always reappear. Eventually…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/everyone-freaks-out-sometimes-the-best-we-can-do-with-fear-is/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [The bolder and more courageous you are, the more you will learn about yourself.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/the-bolder-and-more-courageous-you-are-the-more-you-will-learn-about/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [Underground issues from one relationship or context invariably fuel our fires in another.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/underground-issues-from-one-relationship-or-context-invariably-fuel/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [There are some things for which there is no apology, and on the question of slavery, there is no adequate apology for ripping people…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/there-are-some-things-for-which-there-is-no-apology-and-on-the/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [Don't count on the power of your love or your nagging to create something that wasn't there to begin with.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/don-t-count-on-the-power-of-your-love-or-your-nagging-to-create/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) > [If we only listened with the same passion that we feel about being heard.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harriet-lerner/if-we-only-listened-with-the-same-passion-that-we-feel-about-being/) [Harriet Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) [Explore all 113 Harriet Lerner quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harriet-lerner/) ## More Apology quotes > [The greatest act of courage is to be and to ownall of who you are—without apology, without excuses, without masks to cover the truth…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/debbie-ford/the-greatest-act-of-courage-is-to-be-and-to-ownall-of-who-you-are/) [Debbie Ford](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/debbie-ford/) > [Apologies are not pass/fail.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/randy-pausch/apologies-are-not-pass-fail/) [Randy Pausch](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/randy-pausch/) > [“Why do we apologize for advocating for ourselves? Why do we apologize for taking up space that we are entitled to? Why do we…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/elizabeth-tambascio/why-do-we-apologize-for-advocating-for-ourselves-why-do-we-apologize/) [Elizabeth Tambascio](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-tambascio/) > [It's hard to say sorry when It's really your fault.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rakii-retondo/it-s-hard-to-say-sorry-when-it-s-really-your-fault/) [Rakii Retondo](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rakii-retondo/) > [“A lady need never apologize. ~ Joseph de Bonaparte (Brother of Napoleon)”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/allison-pataki/a-lady-need-never-apologize-joseph-de-bonaparte-brother-of-napoleon/) [Allison Pataki](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/allison-pataki/) > [And apologies, once postponed, become harder and harder to make, and finally impossible.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/margaret-mitchell/and-apologies-once-postponed-become-harder-and-harder-to-make-and/) [Margaret Mitchell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/margaret-mitchell/) > [In the formation of such a government, it is not only the right, but the indispensable duty of every citizen to examine the principles…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/noah-webster/in-the-formation-of-such-a-government-it-is-not-only-the-right-but/) [Noah Webster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/noah-webster/) > [Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong, it just means that value your relationships more than your ego.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/chinier-bennett/apologizing-does-not-always-mean-you-are-wrong-it-just-means-that/) [Chinier Bennett](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/chinier-bennett/) > [If I can get enough signatures, to present an apology to slavery, I will present it to the President. The House of Representatives has…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kirk-douglas/if-i-can-get-enough-signatures-to-present-an-apology-to-slavery-i/) [Kirk Douglas](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kirk-douglas/) > [“I don’t care if you’ve changed. I don’t care who you are now. I don’t need or want your explanations because what you did,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/samantha-young/i-don-t-care-if-you-ve-changed-i-don-t-care-who-you-are-now-i-don-t/) [Samantha Young](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/samantha-young/) > [I never said Kristen ruined my wedding. At the time, when a million other things had fallen apart that day, I felt like she…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scheana-shay/i-never-said-kristen-ruined-my-wedding-at-the-time-when-a-million/) [Scheana Shay](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scheana-shay/) > [The greatest form of maturity is at harvest time. This is when we must learn how to reap without complaint if the amounts are…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jim-rohn/the-greatest-form-of-maturity-is-at-harvest-time-this-is-when-we-must/) [Jim Rohn](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jim-rohn/) > [“It's clear he still feels something, but what? Is the whole reason he made such a big deal about wanting to talk to me…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/carey-heywood/it-s-clear-he-still-feels-something-but-what-is-the-whole-reason-he/) [Carey Heywood](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/carey-heywood/) > [I wasn't saying whatever they're saying I was saying. I'm sorry I said it really. I never meant it to be a lousy anti-religious…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-lennon/i-wasn-t-saying-whatever-they-re-saying-i-was-saying-i-m-sorry-i-said/) [John Lennon](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-lennon/) > [For every person who atones, a hundred others find regret sufficient.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/robert-breault/for-every-person-who-atones-a-hundred-others-find-regret-sufficient/) [Robert Breault](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/robert-breault/) [Browse all 1,300 Apology quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/apology/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I'd say that while it's normal to long for an apology, if you really need it, you're not ready to speak to whoever harmed you. Non-apologizers tend to walk on a tightrope of defensiveness above a huge canyon of low self-esteem - they just can't listen to anything that's going to set them off balance. 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