--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: Peer-oriented young people thus face two…" description: "\"“Peer-oriented young people thus face two grave psychological risks that more than suffice to make vulnerability unbearable and provoke their brains in..." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f3d/gabor-mat-1410_cold-water_peer-oriented-young-people-thus-face-two_2851809.jpg" --- # Peer-oriented young people thus face two grave… ![“Peer-oriented young people thus face two grave psychological risks that more than suffice to make vulnerability unbearable and provoke their brains into defensive action: having lost the parental attachment shield, and having the powerful attachment sword wielded by careless and irresponsible…” quote by Gabor Maté](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f3d/gabor-mat-1410_cold-water_peer-oriented-young-people-thus-face-two_2851809.jpg) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f3d/gabor-mat-1410_cold-water_peer-oriented-young-people-thus-face-two_2851809.jpg) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f3d/gabor-mat-1410_cold-water_peer-oriented-young-people-thus-face-two_2851809.jpg) > ““Peer-oriented young people thus face two grave psychological risks that more than suffice to make vulnerability unbearable and provoke their brains into defensive action: having lost the parental attachment shield, and having the powerful attachment sword wielded by careless and irresponsible children. A third blow against feeling deeply and openly — and the third reason for the emotional shutdown of the peer-oriented child — is that any sign of vulnerability in a child tends to be attacked by those who are already shut down against vulnerability. To give an example from the extreme end of the spectrum, in my work with violent young offenders, one of my primary objectives was to melt their defenses against vulnerability so they could begin to feel their wounds. If a session was successful and I was able to help them get past the defenses to some of the underlying pain, their faces and voices would soften and their eyes would water. For most of these kids, these tears were the first in many years. Especially when someone isn't used to crying, it can markedly affect the face and eyes. When I first began, I was naive enough to send kids back into the prison population after their sessions. It is not difficult to guess what happened. Because the vulnerability was still written on their faces, it attracted the attention of the other inmates. Those who were defended against their own vulnerability felt compelled to attack. They assaulted vulnerability as if it was the enemy. I soon learned to take defensive measures and help my clients make sure their vulnerability wasn't showing. Fortunately, I had a washroom next to my office in the prison. Sometimes kids spent up to an hour pouring cold water over their faces, attempting to wipe out any vestiges of emotion that would give them away. Even if their defenses had softened a bit, they still had to wear a mask of invulnerability to keep from being wounded even further. Part of my job was to help them differentiate between the mask of invulnerability that they had to wear in such a place to keep from being victimized and, on the other hand, the internalized defenses against vulnerability that would keep them from feeling deeply and profoundly. The same dynamic, obviously not to this extreme, operates in the world dominated by peer-oriented children.”” [Gabor Maté](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gabor-mat/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. Vulnerability in youth can trigger defensive aggression, especially in hostile environments; protecting emotional expression is crucial. **In simple terms:** Kids show vulnerability, others may attack. Key Takeaway Safeguard vulnerable moments. Themes psychology trauma social dynamics Mood somber thoughtful Type analytical educational When to use this quote - prison counseling - youth mentorship - therapy sessions - support groups Key Concepts attachment theory defensive behavior emotional regulation Questions to Reflect On - How can safe spaces be created? - What strategies reduce exposure risk? A Different Perspective Vulnerability can be exploited, leading to further trauma. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Cold water](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/cold-water/) [Young people](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/young-people/) ## Related quotes > [“Our failure to keep our children attached to us and to the other adults responsible for them has not only taken away their shields…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gabor-mat/our-failure-to-keep-our-children-attached-to-us-and-to-the-other/) [Gabor Maté](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gabor-mat/) > [“Repudiating the vulnerability I felt had wrecked the lives of women around me, I modelled myself on my controlled father. I wanted his freedom…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/antonella-gambotto-burke/repudiating-the-vulnerability-i-felt-had-wrecked-the-lives-of-women/) [Antonella Gambotto-Burke](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/antonella-gambotto-burke/) > [There is a difference between vulnerability and telling people everything about yourself. Vulnerability is a feeling. Telling everyone about yourself is just facts and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/simon-sinek/there-is-a-difference-between-vulnerability-and-telling-people/) [Simon Sinek](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/simon-sinek/) > [Putting your feet in ice cold water? That's not fun.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ben-howland/putting-your-feet-in-ice-cold-water-that-s-not-fun/) [Ben Howland](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ben-howland/) > [“For I approach deep problems like cold baths: quickly into them and quickly out again. That one does not get to the depths that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/friedrich-nietzsche/for-i-approach-deep-problems-like-cold-baths-quickly-into-them-and/) [Friedrich Nietzsche](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/friedrich-nietzsche/) > [“The world made me cold. You made me water. One day we'll be clouds.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/pleasefindthis/the-world-made-me-cold-you-made-me-water-one-day-we-ll-be-clouds/) pleasefindthis > [The scalded head feares cold water.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-herbert/the-scalded-head-feares-cold-water/) [George Herbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-herbert/) > [“Mr. Kaminski pulled a chain hanging from the pressed-metal kitchen ceiling, and light seeped from a bulb, casting a wan glow over a scarred…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christina-baker-kline/mr-kaminski-pulled-a-chain-hanging-from-the-pressed-metal-kitchen/) [Christina Baker Kline](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christina-baker-kline/) > [Whereas most other modern composers are engaged in manufacturing cocktails of every hue and description, I offer the public pure cold water.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jean-sibelius/whereas-most-other-modern-composers-are-engaged-in-manufacturing/) [Jean Sibelius](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jean-sibelius/) > [I chose to dive into a pool of cold water in 'Ooty' though the director suggested that we use a stuntman. I was pleased…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/delhi-ganesh/i-chose-to-dive-into-a-pool-of-cold-water-in-ooty-though-the-director/) [Delhi Ganesh](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/delhi-ganesh/) > [“I tell Dylan I have to go to the bathroom. I shut the door and try to pee, but my dick's already sticking straight…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/katie-kacvinsky/i-tell-dylan-i-have-to-go-to-the-bathroom-i-shut-the-door-and-try-to/) [Katie Kacvinsky](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/katie-kacvinsky/) > [When the whole discussion of "developing a national idea" hastily began in post-Soviet Russia, I tried to pour cold water on it with the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/aleksandr-solzhenitsyn/when-the-whole-discussion-of-developing-a-national-idea-hastily-began/) [Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/aleksandr-solzhenitsyn/) > [I miss the ocean. I miss diving into the cold water and coming out a new man. On the road it's hard to get…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/angus-stone/i-miss-the-ocean-i-miss-diving-into-the-cold-water-and-coming-out-a/) Angus Stone > [“You know the two most dear people to me in all the world are Madge and Anna Spears. You don't know them...Rosemary knows them,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/you-know-the-two-most-dear-people-to-me-in-all-the-world-are-madge/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) > [“For a long time before I met you, I felt my life was this kind of test. I was in deep, cold water, swimming…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/leah-raeder/for-a-long-time-before-i-met-you-i-felt-my-life-was-this-kind-of-test/) [Leah Raeder](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/leah-raeder/) ## More by Gabor Maté > [“As parents who make every effort we can to raise our children in loving security, we do not need to feel more guilt than…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gabor-mat/as-parents-who-make-every-effort-we-can-to-raise-our-children-in/) [Gabor Maté](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gabor-mat/) > [“The fact is, we in this society are often quite removed from our own emotional reality.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gabor-mat/the-fact-is-we-in-this-society-are-often-quite-removed-from-our-own/) [Gabor Maté](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gabor-mat/) > [“Shame is the deepest of the “negative emotions,” a feeling we will do almost anything to avoid. 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When children are traumatized that affects how they feel about themselves, which is deeply ashamed because…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gabor-mat/so-what-you-ve-actually-got-is-traumatized-children-when-children-are/) [Gabor Maté](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gabor-mat/) > [“Even without world wars, revolutions and emigration, siblings growing up in the same home almost never share the same environment. More accurately, brothers and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gabor-mat/even-without-world-wars-revolutions-and-emigration-siblings-growing/) [Gabor Maté](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gabor-mat/) > [“We think that there are people who are normal over here, and then there’s the pathological ones who have depression, anxiety, addiction or schizophrenia…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gabor-mat/we-think-that-there-are-people-who-are-normal-over-here-and-then/) [Gabor Maté](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gabor-mat/) > [“One cannot get much more vulnerable than to expose oneself psychologically. To share oneself with another and then be misunderstood or rejected is, for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gabor-mat/one-cannot-get-much-more-vulnerable-than-to-expose-oneself/) [Gabor Maté](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gabor-mat/) > [“The areas of the cortex responsible for attention and self-regulation develop in response to the emotional interaction with the person whom we may call…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gabor-mat/the-areas-of-the-cortex-responsible-for-attention-and-self-regulation/) [Gabor Maté](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gabor-mat/) > [“Peer-oriented children live in a universe of severely limited and superficial attachments. The quest for sameness being the least vulnerable way of attaching, it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gabor-mat/peer-oriented-children-live-in-a-universe-of-severely-limited-and/) [Gabor Maté](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gabor-mat/) > [“The United States contains less than 5 percent of the world’s population but houses nearly a quarter of the world’s prisoners.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gabor-mat/the-united-states-contains-less-than-5-percent-of-the-world-s/) [Gabor Maté](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gabor-mat/) [Explore all 244 Gabor Maté quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gabor-mat/) ## More Cold water quotes > [“For a long time before I met you, I felt my life was this kind of test. 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On the road it's hard to get…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/angus-stone/i-miss-the-ocean-i-miss-diving-into-the-cold-water-and-coming-out-a/) Angus Stone > [When the whole discussion of "developing a national idea" hastily began in post-Soviet Russia, I tried to pour cold water on it with the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/aleksandr-solzhenitsyn/when-the-whole-discussion-of-developing-a-national-idea-hastily-began/) [Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/aleksandr-solzhenitsyn/) > [“I tell Dylan I have to go to the bathroom. I shut the door and try to pee, but my dick's already sticking straight…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/katie-kacvinsky/i-tell-dylan-i-have-to-go-to-the-bathroom-i-shut-the-door-and-try-to/) [Katie Kacvinsky](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/katie-kacvinsky/) > [I chose to dive into a pool of cold water in 'Ooty' though the director suggested that we use a stuntman. I was pleased…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/delhi-ganesh/i-chose-to-dive-into-a-pool-of-cold-water-in-ooty-though-the-director/) [Delhi Ganesh](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/delhi-ganesh/) > [Whereas most other modern composers are engaged in manufacturing cocktails of every hue and description, I offer the public pure cold water.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jean-sibelius/whereas-most-other-modern-composers-are-engaged-in-manufacturing/) [Jean Sibelius](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jean-sibelius/) > [“Mr. Kaminski pulled a chain hanging from the pressed-metal kitchen ceiling, and light seeped from a bulb, casting a wan glow over a scarred…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christina-baker-kline/mr-kaminski-pulled-a-chain-hanging-from-the-pressed-metal-kitchen/) [Christina Baker Kline](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christina-baker-kline/) > [The scalded head feares cold water.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-herbert/the-scalded-head-feares-cold-water/) [George Herbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-herbert/) > [“The world made me cold. You made me water. One day we'll be clouds.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/pleasefindthis/the-world-made-me-cold-you-made-me-water-one-day-we-ll-be-clouds/) pleasefindthis > [“For I approach deep problems like cold baths: quickly into them and quickly out again. That one does not get to the depths that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/friedrich-nietzsche/for-i-approach-deep-problems-like-cold-baths-quickly-into-them-and/) [Friedrich Nietzsche](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/friedrich-nietzsche/) > [Putting your feet in ice cold water? That's not fun.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ben-howland/putting-your-feet-in-ice-cold-water-that-s-not-fun/) [Ben Howland](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ben-howland/) > [I've made my evolutionary purpose and had children. 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Serve…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ann-vanderhoof/accras-saltfish-fritters-accras-or-acrats-de-morue-are-saltfish/) [Ann Vanderhoof](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ann-vanderhoof/) > [“I'll put my hand in no man's hand,' said Mr. Micawber, gasping, puffing, and sobbing, to that degree that he was like a man…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/charles-dickens/i-ll-put-my-hand-in-no-man-s-hand-said-mr-micawber-gasping-puffing/) [Charles Dickens](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/charles-dickens/) [Browse all 251 Cold water quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/cold-water/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Peer-oriented young people thus face two grave psychological risks that more than suffice to make vulnerability unbearable and provoke their brains into defensive action: having lost the parental attachment shield, and having the powerful attachment sword wielded by careless and irresponsible children. A third blow against feeling deeply and openly — and the third reason for the emotional shutdown of the peer-oriented child — is that any sign of vulnerability in a child tends to be attacked by those who are already shut down against vulnerability. To give an example from the extreme end of the spectrum, in my work with violent young offenders, one of my primary objectives was to melt their defenses against vulnerability so they could begin to feel their wounds. If a session was successful and I was able to help them get past the defenses to some of the underlying pain, their faces and voices would soften and their eyes would water. For most of these kids, these tears were the first in many years. Especially when someone isn't used to crying, it can markedly affect the face and eyes. When I first began, I was naive enough to send kids back into the prison population after their sessions. It is not difficult to guess what happened. Because the vulnerability was still written on their faces, it attracted the attention of the other inmates. Those who were defended against their own vulnerability felt compelled to attack. They assaulted vulnerability as if it was the enemy. I soon learned to take defensive measures and help my clients make sure their vulnerability wasn't showing. Fortunately, I had a washroom next to my office in the prison. Sometimes kids spent up to an hour pouring cold water over their faces, attempting to wipe out any vestiges of emotion that would give them away. Even if their defenses had softened a bit, they still had to wear a mask of invulnerability to keep from being wounded even further. Part of my job was to help them differentiate between the mask of invulnerability that they had to wear in such a place to keep from being victimized and, on the other hand, the internalized defenses against vulnerability that would keep them from feeling deeply and profoundly. 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