--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: Our failure to keep our children attached…" description: "\"“Our failure to keep our children attached to us and to the other adults responsible for them has not only taken away their shields but put a sword in ..." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d8e/gabor-mat-1410_around-the-world_our-failure-to-keep-our-children-attache_1175655.png" --- # Our failure to keep our children attached to us and to the… ![“Our failure to keep our children attached to us and to the other adults responsible for them has not only taken away their shields but put a sword in the hands of their peers. When peers replace parents, children lose their vital protection against the thoughtlessness of others. The vulnerability…” quote by Gabor Maté](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d8e/gabor-mat-1410_around-the-world_our-failure-to-keep-our-children-attache_1175655.png) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d8e/gabor-mat-1410_around-the-world_our-failure-to-keep-our-children-attache_1175655.png) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d8e/gabor-mat-1410_around-the-world_our-failure-to-keep-our-children-attache_1175655.png) > ““Our failure to keep our children attached to us and to the other adults responsible for them has not only taken away their shields but put a sword in the hands of their peers. When peers replace parents, children lose their vital protection against the thoughtlessness of others. The vulnerability of a child in such circumstances can easily be overwhelmed. The resulting pain is more than many children can bear. Studies have been unequivocal in their findings that the best protection for a child, even through adolescence, is a strong attachment with an adult. The most impressive of these studies involved ninety thousand adolescents from eighty different communities chosen to make the sample as representative of the United States as possible. The primary finding was that teenagers with strong emotional ties to their parents were much less likely to exhibit drug and alcohol problems, attempt suicide, or engage in violent behavior and early sexual activity. Such adolescents, in other words, were at greatly reduced risk for the problems that stem from being defended against vulnerability. Shielding them from stress and protecting their emotional health and functioning were strong attachments with their parents. This was also the conclusion of the noted American psychologist Julius Segal, a brilliant pioneer of research into what makes young people resilient. Summarizing studies from around the world, he concluded that the most important factor keeping children from being overwhelmed by stress was “the presence in their lives of a charismatic adult — a person with whom they identify and from whom they gather strength.” As Dr. Segal has also said, “Nothing will work in the absence of an indestructible link of caring between parent and child.” Peers should never have come to matter that much — certainly not more than parents or teachers or other adult attachment figures. Taunts and rejection by peers sting, of course, but they shouldn't cut to the quick, should not be so devastating. The profound dejection of an excluded child reveals a much more serious attachment problem than it does a peer-rejection problem.”” [Gabor Maté](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gabor-mat/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. Strong, caring adult attachments protect children from stress, risk behaviors, and emotional harm. **In simple terms:** Adult bonds shield kids. Key Takeaway Foster strong adult‑child connections. Themes attachment resilience protective relationships Mood protective empathetic Type advice psychological When to use this quote - parenting - school counseling - youth mentorship - community programs Key Concepts Secure attachment psychological safety Questions to Reflect On - Who can serve as a charismatic adult for a child? - How to build lasting trust with youth? A Different Perspective Overreliance on peers can leave children vulnerable. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Around the world](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/around-the-world/) [Child](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/child/) [Children](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/children/) [Emotional health](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/emotional-health/) [Failure](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/failure/) [Parenting](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/parenting/) [Young people](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/young-people/) [Youth](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/youth/) ## Related quotes > [“Peer-oriented young people thus face two grave psychological risks that more than suffice to make vulnerability unbearable and provoke their brains into defensive action:…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gabor-mat/peer-oriented-young-people-thus-face-two-grave-psychological-risks/) [Gabor Maté](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gabor-mat/) > [“For purposes of child-rearing, the crowning achievement of a working attachment is to instill in a child the desire to be good. When we…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gabor-mat/for-purposes-of-child-rearing-the-crowning-achievement-of-a-working/) [Gabor Maté](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gabor-mat/) > [“Peer relationships are safest when they are the natural offspring of attachments with the parents.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gordon-neufeld/peer-relationships-are-safest-when-they-are-the-natural-offspring-of/) [Gordon Neufeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gordon-neufeld/) > [“One form of insecurity of attachment, called "disorganized/disoriented", has been associated with marked impairments in the emotional, social, and cognitive domains, and a predisposition…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-j-siegel-m-d/one-form-of-insecurity-of-attachment-called-disorganized-disoriented/) Daniel J. Siegel, M.D > ['Winner' is a commercial family entertainer with a strong emotional core. Teju couldn't hold back his tears after watching the movie. 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When children are traumatized that affects how they feel about themselves, which is deeply ashamed because…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gabor-mat/so-what-you-ve-actually-got-is-traumatized-children-when-children-are/) [Gabor Maté](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gabor-mat/) > [“Even without world wars, revolutions and emigration, siblings growing up in the same home almost never share the same environment. 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It's a way for people to connect all around the world.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lizzie-velasquez/i-believe-there-definitely-are-good-things-about-social-networking-it/) [Lizzie Velasquez](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lizzie-velasquez/) > [“Isn’t everyone on the planet or at least everyone on the planet called me stuck between the two impulses of wanting to walk away…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/catherine-lacey/isn-t-everyone-on-the-planet-or-at-least-everyone-on-the-planet/) [Catherine Lacey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/catherine-lacey/) > [You always can improve and I think that's the beauty of international cricket, particularly test cricket, is playing all around the world against different…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kane-williamson/you-always-can-improve-and-i-think-that-s-the-beauty-of-international/) [Kane Williamson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kane-williamson/) > [Trump is reviled around the world.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/joy-reid/trump-is-reviled-around-the-world/) [Joy Reid](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/joy-reid/) [Browse all 3,349 Around the world quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/around-the-world/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Our failure to keep our children attached to us and to the other adults responsible for them has not only taken away their shields but put a sword in the hands of their peers. When peers replace parents, children lose their vital protection against the thoughtlessness of others. The vulnerability of a child in such circumstances can easily be overwhelmed. The resulting pain is more than many children can bear. Studies have been unequivocal in their findings that the best protection for a child, even through adolescence, is a strong attachment with an adult. The most impressive of these studies involved ninety thousand adolescents from eighty different communities chosen to make the sample as representative of the United States as possible. The primary finding was that teenagers with strong emotional ties to their parents were much less likely to exhibit drug and alcohol problems, attempt suicide, or engage in violent behavior and early sexual activity. Such adolescents, in other words, were at greatly reduced risk for the problems that stem from being defended against vulnerability. Shielding them from stress and protecting their emotional health and functioning were strong attachments with their parents. This was also the conclusion of the noted American psychologist Julius Segal, a brilliant pioneer of research into what makes young people resilient. Summarizing studies from around the world, he concluded that the most important factor keeping children from being overwhelmed by stress was “the presence in their lives of a charismatic adult — a person with whom they identify and from whom they gather strength.” As Dr. Segal has also said, “Nothing will work in the absence of an indestructible link of caring between parent and child.” Peers should never have come to matter that much — certainly not more than parents or teachers or other adult attachment figures. Taunts and rejection by peers sting, of course, but they shouldn't cut to the quick, should not be so devastating. 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