--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: One of the big misconceptions is that…" description: "\"One of the big misconceptions is that affairs or trysts are flings about sex. And sometimes they are, but much more often they are about desire. And th..." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/090/esther-perel-3265_affair_one-of-the-big-misconceptions-is-that-af_2578166.png" --- # One of the big misconceptions is that affairs or trysts… ![“One of the big misconceptions is that affairs or trysts are flings about sex. And sometimes they are, but much more often they are about desire. And that is very different. The desire to feel special, to feel seen, to feel appreciated, to be laughed at or with. The desire to be desired. That does…” quote by Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/090/esther-perel-3265_affair_one-of-the-big-misconceptions-is-that-af_2578166.png) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/090/esther-perel-3265_affair_one-of-the-big-misconceptions-is-that-af_2578166.png) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/090/esther-perel-3265_affair_one-of-the-big-misconceptions-is-that-af_2578166.png) > “One of the big misconceptions is that affairs or trysts are flings about sex. And sometimes they are, but much more often they are about desire. And that is very different. The desire to feel special, to feel seen, to feel appreciated, to be laughed at or with. The desire to be desired. That does not manifest in a sexual act per se. Affairs make you feel alive. Alchemy means it's not about the actual sex, but the sexuality, the energy, the aura. It's the imagination and anticipation of it as much or instead of the actual experience of it.” [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. Affairs are driven more by emotional desire for connection and validation than by sex itself. **In simple terms:** Desire for connection fuels affairs, not just sex. Key Takeaway Recognize emotional needs behind relationships. Themes relationships desire emotional intimacy Mood reflective cautionary Type psychological relationship When to use this quote - marriage counseling - personal reflection - relationship building Key Concepts psychology of desire attachment theory Questions to Reflect On - What unmet needs lead to affairs? - How can you fulfill desire within commitment? A Different Perspective May romanticize infidelity. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Affair](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/affair/) [Affairs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/affairs/) [Alchemy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/alchemy/) [Desire](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/desire/) [Energy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/energy/) [Imagination](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/imagination/) [Misconception](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/misconception/) [Sexuality](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/sexuality/) ## Related quotes > [The one word I hear when people have affairs is that they feel alive. They don't talk about the fact they're having sex. They…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/the-one-word-i-hear-when-people-have-affairs-is-that-they-feel-alive/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [I say no to a double standard that men can roam and women must stay put at home. I say no to the fact…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/i-say-no-to-a-double-standard-that-men-can-roam-and-women-must-stay/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [Most affairs do die a natural death. Today, you look at your partner's phone to find out the weather, and you find out about…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/most-affairs-do-die-a-natural-death-today-you-look-at-your-partner-s/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [Affairs can be powerful detonators. They can invigorate a marriage that's flat, jolt people out of years of complacency. Fear of loss rekindles desire,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/affairs-can-be-powerful-detonators-they-can-invigorate-a-marriage/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [Secrecy fuels erotic intensity because it makes you feel like you're doing something that is entirely yours. It gives you the sense of autonomy,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/secrecy-fuels-erotic-intensity-because-it-makes-you-feel-like-you-re/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [To do good work one must eat well, be well housed, have one's fling from time to time, smoke one's pipe, and drink one's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/vincent-van-gogh/to-do-good-work-one-must-eat-well-be-well-housed-have-one-s-fling/) [Vincent Van Gogh](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/vincent-van-gogh/) > [“Hot tip: If you’re a human having a fling with a werewolf, break it off. Now.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/glen-duncan/hot-tip-if-you-re-a-human-having-a-fling-with-a-werewolf-break-it-off/) [Glen Duncan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/glen-duncan/) > [Lo! while we are gazing, in swifter haste Stream down the snows, till the air is white, As, myriads by myriads madly chased, They…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/william-c-bryant/lo-while-we-are-gazing-in-swifter-haste-stream-down-the-snows-till/) [William C. Bryant](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/william-c-bryant/) > [No man can hope to accomplish anything great in this world until he throws his whole soul, flings the force of his whole life,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/orison-swett-marden/no-man-can-hope-to-accomplish-anything-great-in-this-world-until-he/) [Orison Swett Marden](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/orison-swett-marden/) > [A true critic, in the perusal of a book, is like a dog at a feast, whose thoughts and stomach are wholly set upon…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jonathan-swift/a-true-critic-in-the-perusal-of-a-book-is-like-a-dog-at-a-feast-whose/) [Jonathan Swift](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jonathan-swift/) > [The people with very hard problems are understood by God. He knows what wretched machines they are trying to drive. Some day he will…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/c-s-lewis/the-people-with-very-hard-problems-are-understood-by-god-he-knows/) [C. S. Lewis](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/c-s-lewis/) > [I think I'm just a summer fling that people will soon forget.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-oliver/i-think-i-m-just-a-summer-fling-that-people-will-soon-forget/) [John Oliver](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-oliver/) > [Six months since we met up again we are inseparable, an intricate weave. No longer do I believe this is a temporary fling. More…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ellen-hopkins/six-months-since-we-met-up-again-we-are-inseparable-an-intricate/) [Ellen Hopkins](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ellen-hopkins/) > [With the broad and powerful swing of the hand which Zola in The Earth gave to his ploughman, L'Auto, journal of ideas and action,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/henri-desgrange/with-the-broad-and-powerful-swing-of-the-hand-which-zola-in-the-earth/) Henri Desgrange > [“As they say in New York, Get over it and, if you can't get over it, Get over talking about it.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/marian-keyes/as-they-say-in-new-york-get-over-it-and-if-you-can-t-get-over-it-get/) [Marian Keyes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/marian-keyes/) ## More by Esther Perel > [Sometimes it has to do with other longings that are much more existential. Sometimes you go elsewhere not because you are not liking the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/sometimes-it-has-to-do-with-other-longings-that-are-much-more/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [ “For \[erotically intelligent couples\], love is a vessel that contains both security and adventure, and commitment offers one of the great luxuries of life:… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/for-erotically-intelligent-couples-love-is-a-vessel-that-contains/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [It’s hard to feel attracted to someone who has abandoned her sense of autonomy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/it-s-hard-to-feel-attracted-to-someone-who-has-abandoned-her-sense-of/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [For some people, a one-night stand doesn't make any difference in a seven-year love affair. I don't believe the degree of betrayal is always…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/for-some-people-a-one-night-stand-doesn-t-make-any-difference-in-a/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [I want to engage people in an honest, enlightened, and provocative conversation about the nature of erotic desire and the intricacies of intimacy and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/i-want-to-engage-people-in-an-honest-enlightened-and-provocative/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [“The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships . . . which are basically a reflection of your sense…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/the-quality-of-your-life-ultimately-depends-on-the-quality-of-your/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [If you start to feel that you have given up too many parts of yourself to be with your partner, then one day you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/if-you-start-to-feel-that-you-have-given-up-too-many-parts-of/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [“I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/i-regret-to-say-that-we-of-the-fbi-are-powerless-to-act-in-cases-of/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [You never know your partner as well as you think.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/you-never-know-your-partner-as-well-as-you-think/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [On some level we trade passion for security, that's trading one illusion for another. It's a matter of degree. We can't live in constant…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/on-some-level-we-trade-passion-for-security-that-s-trading-one/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [“When the impulse to share becomes obligatory, when personal boundaries are no longer respected, when only the shared space of togetherness is acknowledged and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/when-the-impulse-to-share-becomes-obligatory-when-personal-boundaries/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [“I do believe that the emphasis on egalitarian and respectful sex—purged of any expressions of power, aggression, and transgression—is antithetical to erotic desire for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/i-do-believe-that-the-emphasis-on-egalitarian-and-respectful-sex/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [“If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/if-intimacy-grows-through-repetition-and-familiarity-eroticism-is/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [“She’s beautiful, too, did I mention that? She lives the life I didn’t live. I feel middle-age and middle-class around her. Nothing wrong with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/she-s-beautiful-too-did-i-mention-that-she-lives-the-life-i-didn-t/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [In dating, if you say no, your lover goes on to the next person. In marriage, if you say no, the person stays.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/in-dating-if-you-say-no-your-lover-goes-on-to-the-next-person-in/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) [Explore all 135 Esther Perel quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) ## More Affair quotes > [Histories never conclude; they just pause their prose. Their stories are, if they are truthful, untidy affairs, resistant to windings-up and sortings-out. They beat…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/simon-schama/histories-never-conclude-they-just-pause-their-prose-their-stories/) [Simon Schama](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/simon-schama/) > [Islam never differentiates between men and women as regards political rights and puts them on an equal footing. However, even if a woman is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/yusuf-al-qaradawi/islam-never-differentiates-between-men-and-women-as-regards-political/) [Yusuf al-Qaradawi](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/yusuf-al-qaradawi/) > [Our guiding principle was that design is neither an intellectual nor a material affair, but simply an integral part of the stuff of life,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/walter-gropius/our-guiding-principle-was-that-design-is-neither-an-intellectual-nor/) [Walter Gropius](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/walter-gropius/) > [I wonder if it's possible to have a love affair that lasts forever.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/andy-warhol/i-wonder-if-it-s-possible-to-have-a-love-affair-that-lasts-forever/) [Andy Warhol](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/andy-warhol/) > [For a young man to start his career with a love affair with an older woman was quite de rigueur ... Of course, it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/vita-sackville-west/for-a-young-man-to-start-his-career-with-a-love-affair-with-an-older/) [Vita Sackville-West](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/vita-sackville-west/) > [As long as the state permits itself to interfere in the affairs of literature, literature has the right to interfere with the affairs of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/joseph-brodsky/as-long-as-the-state-permits-itself-to-interfere-in-the-affairs-of/) [Joseph Brodsky](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/joseph-brodsky/) > [Love is mainly an affair of short spasms. If these spasms disappoint us, love dies. It is very seldom that it weathers the experience…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jean-cocteau/love-is-mainly-an-affair-of-short-spasms-if-these-spasms-disappoint/) [Jean Cocteau](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jean-cocteau/) > [The Fundamental Principle that governs - or ought to govern -human affairs if we wish to avoid misunderstandings, conflicts, or pointless utopias, is negotiation.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/umberto-eco/the-fundamental-principle-that-governs-or-ought-to-govern-human/) [Umberto Eco](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/umberto-eco/) > [My hope does not rest in the affairs of this world. It rests in Christ who is coming again.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/billy-graham/my-hope-does-not-rest-in-the-affairs-of-this-world-it-rests-in-christ/) [Billy Graham](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/billy-graham/) > [In 1953, the United States played a significant role in orchestrating the overthrow of Iran's popular prime minister, Mohammed Mossadegh. The Eisenhower administration believed…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/madeleine-albright/in-1953-the-united-states-played-a-significant-role-in-orchestrating/) [Madeleine Albright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/madeleine-albright/) > [Not everyone likes the stable, gradual rise of our country. There are some who are using the democratic ideology to interfere in our internal…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/vladimir-putin/not-everyone-likes-the-stable-gradual-rise-of-our-country-there-are/) [Vladimir Putin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/vladimir-putin/) > [The archives recall not one single incriminating incident, not one drunken escapade, not one reported affair, not one spat with a team-mate or reporter…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/michael-atherton/the-archives-recall-not-one-single-incriminating-incident-not-one/) Michael Atherton > [“I ripped the sketch from the wall. "Liar." Edward looked more ravaged than usual. "That is a terrible word, coming from you." "Yup." "And…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/melissa-jensen/i-ripped-the-sketch-from-the-wall-liar-edward-looked-more-ravaged/) [Melissa Jensen](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/melissa-jensen/) > [For some people, a one-night stand doesn't make any difference in a seven-year love affair. I don't believe the degree of betrayal is always…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/for-some-people-a-one-night-stand-doesn-t-make-any-difference-in-a/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [And what is literature, Rabo," he said, "but an insider's newsletter about affairs relating to molecules, of no importance to anything in the universe…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kurt-vonnegut/and-what-is-literature-rabo-he-said-but-an-insider-s-newsletter-about/) [Kurt Vonnegut](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kurt-vonnegut/) [Browse all 2,218 Affair quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/affair/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "One of the big misconceptions is that affairs or trysts are flings about sex. And sometimes they are, but much more often they are about desire. And that is very different. The desire to feel special, to feel seen, to feel appreciated, to be laughed at or with. 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