--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: Modern infidelity is different than…" description: "\"Modern infidelity is different than traditional infidelity and sits on top of the romantic ideal that you find \"the one\" and that if you have everythin..." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f47/esther-perel-3265_affair_modern-infidelity-is-different-than-trad_1352560.png" --- # Modern infidelity is different than traditional infidelity… ![“Modern infidelity is different than traditional infidelity and sits on top of the romantic ideal that you find "the one" and that if you have everything that you need at home, you have no reason to go looking elsewhere. And if you have an affair, it's a symptom of a flawed relationship. If you…” quote by Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f47/esther-perel-3265_affair_modern-infidelity-is-different-than-trad_1352560.png) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f47/esther-perel-3265_affair_modern-infidelity-is-different-than-trad_1352560.png) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f47/esther-perel-3265_affair_modern-infidelity-is-different-than-trad_1352560.png) > “Modern infidelity is different than traditional infidelity and sits on top of the romantic ideal that you find "the one" and that if you have everything that you need at home, you have no reason to go looking elsewhere. And if you have an affair, it's a symptom of a flawed relationship. If you don't apply the deficiency model to the relationship, then you apply it to the person. The person who strays is selfish, immature, addicted suffers from insecure attachment. And the person who doesn't stray is the committed partner: mature, stable, and non-selfish.” [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. Modern infidelity reflects broader relational issues, not just personal flaws, and challenges the myth of a perfect partnership. **In simple terms:** Infidelity shows deeper relationship problems, not just personal failings. Key Takeaway Look beyond blame to relationship dynamics. Themes relationships infidelity psychology attachment culture Mood reflective analytical thoughtful Type advice analytical psychological When to use this quote - marriage counseling - therapy sessions - personal reflection - relationship education Key Concepts attachment theory deficiency model selfhood immaturity addiction Questions to Reflect On - How does cultural expectation of “the one” shape relationship satisfaction? - What systemic changes can reduce infidelity? A Different Perspective Blaming individuals ignores systemic factors that also contribute. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Affair](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/affair/) [Betrayal](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/betrayal/) [Committed](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/committed/) [Different](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/different/) [Elsewhere](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/elsewhere/) [Flawed](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/flawed/) [Flawed Relationship](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/flawed-relationship-4604275/) [Home](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/home/) [Immature](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/immature/) [Infidelity](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/infidelity/) [Infidelity Different](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/infidelity-different-4604274/) [Insecure](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/insecure/) [Love](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/love/) [Mature](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/mature/) [Modern](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/modern/) [Modern Infidelity](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/modern-infidelity-4604272/) [Reason](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/reason/) [Selfish](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/selfish/) [Suffering](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/suffering/) [Traditional Infidelity](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/traditional-infidelity-4604273/) ## Related quotes > [I think any relationship that is normal - I mean, there's no normal relationship, but in terms of a flawed relationship, there's always gonna…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/imogen-poots/i-think-any-relationship-that-is-normal-i-mean-there-s-no-normal/) [Imogen Poots](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/imogen-poots/) > [ “\[I\]nfidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy.” ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/i-nfidelity-has-a-tenacity-that-marriage-can-only-envy/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [“Infidelity hurts. But when we grant it a special status in the hierarchy of marital misdemeanors, we risk allowing it to overshadow the egregious…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/infidelity-hurts-but-when-we-grant-it-a-special-status-in-the/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [“Q: Are there any secrets to long-lasting relationships?     A: Infidelity. Not the act itself, but the threat of it. For Proust, an injection of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/q-are-there-any-secrets-to-long-lasting-relationships-a-infidelity/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [To look at infidelity from the point of view of sex is a complete narrowing of the phenomenon. There's a reason that the commandment…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/to-look-at-infidelity-from-the-point-of-view-of-sex-is-a-complete/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [“despite its widespread denunciation, infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/despite-its-widespread-denunciation-infidelity-has-a-tenacity-that/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [The vast majority of unfaithful people are experiencing a conflict between their values and their behavior, and that is the mess of infidelity. It's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/the-vast-majority-of-unfaithful-people-are-experiencing-a-conflict/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [For most couples who come to me - especially in the aftermath of the revelation of an affair, when they are in a state…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/for-most-couples-who-come-to-me-especially-in-the-aftermath-of-the/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [Horrible dates are when you're with people who are immature and can't really be comfortable in their own skin.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-mercer/horrible-dates-are-when-you-re-with-people-who-are-immature-and-can-t/) [James Mercer](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-mercer/) > [You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/germaine-greer/you-re-only-young-once-but-you-can-be-immature-forever/) [Germaine Greer](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/germaine-greer/) > [The legal system in Afghanistan is very immature and porous.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lindsey-graham/the-legal-system-in-afghanistan-is-very-immature-and-porous/) [Lindsey Graham](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lindsey-graham/) > [A single woman should only marry a man she can follow: Ladies if you are single, be very, very careful who you date and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mark-driscoll/a-single-woman-should-only-marry-a-man-she-can-follow-ladies-if-you/) [Mark Driscoll](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mark-driscoll/) > [Some people fail to realize that there will always be those immature people who like to see you down.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jaylon-hillsman/some-people-fail-to-realize-that-there-will-always-be-those-immature/) [Jaylon Hillsman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jaylon-hillsman/) > [Sometimes You Have To Accept The Truth That Your Choice About Your Future Life-Partner Was Immature.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/sometimes-you-have-to-accept-the-truth-that-your-choice-about-your/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) > [If someone leaves you because of a flaw or small problem they're immature, and they are definitely wrong for you. So, good riddance.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sonya-parker/if-someone-leaves-you-because-of-a-flaw-or-small-problem-they-re/) [Sonya Parker](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sonya-parker/) ## More by Esther Perel > [Sometimes it has to do with other longings that are much more existential. Sometimes you go elsewhere not because you are not liking the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/sometimes-it-has-to-do-with-other-longings-that-are-much-more/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [ “For \[erotically intelligent couples\], love is a vessel that contains both security and adventure, and commitment offers one of the great luxuries of life:… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/for-erotically-intelligent-couples-love-is-a-vessel-that-contains/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [It’s hard to feel attracted to someone who has abandoned her sense of autonomy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/it-s-hard-to-feel-attracted-to-someone-who-has-abandoned-her-sense-of/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [For some people, a one-night stand doesn't make any difference in a seven-year love affair. I don't believe the degree of betrayal is always…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/for-some-people-a-one-night-stand-doesn-t-make-any-difference-in-a/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [I want to engage people in an honest, enlightened, and provocative conversation about the nature of erotic desire and the intricacies of intimacy and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/i-want-to-engage-people-in-an-honest-enlightened-and-provocative/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [“The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships . . . which are basically a reflection of your sense…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/the-quality-of-your-life-ultimately-depends-on-the-quality-of-your/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [If you start to feel that you have given up too many parts of yourself to be with your partner, then one day you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/if-you-start-to-feel-that-you-have-given-up-too-many-parts-of/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [“I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/i-regret-to-say-that-we-of-the-fbi-are-powerless-to-act-in-cases-of/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [You never know your partner as well as you think.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/you-never-know-your-partner-as-well-as-you-think/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [On some level we trade passion for security, that's trading one illusion for another. It's a matter of degree. We can't live in constant…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/on-some-level-we-trade-passion-for-security-that-s-trading-one/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [“When the impulse to share becomes obligatory, when personal boundaries are no longer respected, when only the shared space of togetherness is acknowledged and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/when-the-impulse-to-share-becomes-obligatory-when-personal-boundaries/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [“I do believe that the emphasis on egalitarian and respectful sex—purged of any expressions of power, aggression, and transgression—is antithetical to erotic desire for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/i-do-believe-that-the-emphasis-on-egalitarian-and-respectful-sex/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [“If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/if-intimacy-grows-through-repetition-and-familiarity-eroticism-is/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [“She’s beautiful, too, did I mention that? She lives the life I didn’t live. I feel middle-age and middle-class around her. Nothing wrong with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/she-s-beautiful-too-did-i-mention-that-she-lives-the-life-i-didn-t/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [In dating, if you say no, your lover goes on to the next person. In marriage, if you say no, the person stays.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/in-dating-if-you-say-no-your-lover-goes-on-to-the-next-person-in/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) [Explore all 135 Esther Perel quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) ## More Affair quotes > [Histories never conclude; they just pause their prose. Their stories are, if they are truthful, untidy affairs, resistant to windings-up and sortings-out. They beat…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/simon-schama/histories-never-conclude-they-just-pause-their-prose-their-stories/) [Simon Schama](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/simon-schama/) > [Islam never differentiates between men and women as regards political rights and puts them on an equal footing. However, even if a woman is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/yusuf-al-qaradawi/islam-never-differentiates-between-men-and-women-as-regards-political/) [Yusuf al-Qaradawi](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/yusuf-al-qaradawi/) > [Our guiding principle was that design is neither an intellectual nor a material affair, but simply an integral part of the stuff of life,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/walter-gropius/our-guiding-principle-was-that-design-is-neither-an-intellectual-nor/) [Walter Gropius](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/walter-gropius/) > [I wonder if it's possible to have a love affair that lasts forever.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/andy-warhol/i-wonder-if-it-s-possible-to-have-a-love-affair-that-lasts-forever/) [Andy Warhol](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/andy-warhol/) > [For a young man to start his career with a love affair with an older woman was quite de rigueur ... Of course, it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/vita-sackville-west/for-a-young-man-to-start-his-career-with-a-love-affair-with-an-older/) [Vita Sackville-West](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/vita-sackville-west/) > [As long as the state permits itself to interfere in the affairs of literature, literature has the right to interfere with the affairs of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/joseph-brodsky/as-long-as-the-state-permits-itself-to-interfere-in-the-affairs-of/) [Joseph Brodsky](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/joseph-brodsky/) > [Love is mainly an affair of short spasms. If these spasms disappoint us, love dies. It is very seldom that it weathers the experience…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jean-cocteau/love-is-mainly-an-affair-of-short-spasms-if-these-spasms-disappoint/) [Jean Cocteau](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jean-cocteau/) > [The Fundamental Principle that governs - or ought to govern -human affairs if we wish to avoid misunderstandings, conflicts, or pointless utopias, is negotiation.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/umberto-eco/the-fundamental-principle-that-governs-or-ought-to-govern-human/) [Umberto Eco](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/umberto-eco/) > [My hope does not rest in the affairs of this world. It rests in Christ who is coming again.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/billy-graham/my-hope-does-not-rest-in-the-affairs-of-this-world-it-rests-in-christ/) [Billy Graham](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/billy-graham/) > [In 1953, the United States played a significant role in orchestrating the overthrow of Iran's popular prime minister, Mohammed Mossadegh. The Eisenhower administration believed…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/madeleine-albright/in-1953-the-united-states-played-a-significant-role-in-orchestrating/) [Madeleine Albright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/madeleine-albright/) > [Not everyone likes the stable, gradual rise of our country. There are some who are using the democratic ideology to interfere in our internal…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/vladimir-putin/not-everyone-likes-the-stable-gradual-rise-of-our-country-there-are/) [Vladimir Putin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/vladimir-putin/) > [The archives recall not one single incriminating incident, not one drunken escapade, not one reported affair, not one spat with a team-mate or reporter…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/michael-atherton/the-archives-recall-not-one-single-incriminating-incident-not-one/) [Michael Atherton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/michael-atherton/) > [“I ripped the sketch from the wall. "Liar." Edward looked more ravaged than usual. "That is a terrible word, coming from you." "Yup." "And…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/melissa-jensen/i-ripped-the-sketch-from-the-wall-liar-edward-looked-more-ravaged/) [Melissa Jensen](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/melissa-jensen/) > [For some people, a one-night stand doesn't make any difference in a seven-year love affair. I don't believe the degree of betrayal is always…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/for-some-people-a-one-night-stand-doesn-t-make-any-difference-in-a/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [And what is literature, Rabo," he said, "but an insider's newsletter about affairs relating to molecules, of no importance to anything in the universe…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kurt-vonnegut/and-what-is-literature-rabo-he-said-but-an-insider-s-newsletter-about/) [Kurt Vonnegut](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kurt-vonnegut/) [Browse all 2,218 Affair quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/affair/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Modern infidelity is different than traditional infidelity and sits on top of the romantic ideal that you find \"the one\" and that if you have everything that you need at home, you have no reason to go looking elsewhere. And if you have an affair, it's a symptom of a flawed relationship. If you don't apply the deficiency model to the relationship, then you apply it to the person. The person who strays is selfish, immature, addicted suffers from insecure attachment. And the person who doesn't stray is the committed partner: mature, stable, and non-selfish.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Esther Perel" }, "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/modern-infidelity-is-different-than-traditional-infidelity-and-sits/", "about": { "@type": "Thing", "name": "Affair" }, "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/modern-infidelity-is-different-than-traditional-infidelity-and-sits/#quotation", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f47/esther-perel-3265_affair_modern-infidelity-is-different-than-trad_1352560.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f47/esther-perel-3265_affair_modern-infidelity-is-different-than-trad_1352560.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f47/esther-perel-3265_affair_modern-infidelity-is-different-than-trad_1352560.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Modern infidelity is different than traditional infidelity and sits on top of the romantic ideal that you…” — Esther Perel", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } }, { "@type": "BreadcrumbList", "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "name": "Home", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "name": "Quotes", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "name": "Esther Perel", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "name": "Modern infidelity is different than traditional...", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/modern-infidelity-is-different-than-traditional-infidelity-and-sits/" } ], "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/modern-infidelity-is-different-than-traditional-infidelity-and-sits/#breadcrumb" }, { "@type": "WebSite", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "publisher": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } }, { "@type": "Organization", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "logo": { "@type": "ImageObject", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/themes/sq/assets/icons/icon-512.png", "width": 512, "height": 512 } } ] } ```