--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: If intimacy grows through repetition and…" description: "\"“If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. ..." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/41d/esther-perel-3265_desire_if-intimacy-grows-through-repetition-and_150282.png" --- # If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity… ![“If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has…” quote by Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/41d/esther-perel-3265_desire_if-intimacy-grows-through-repetition-and_150282.png) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/41d/esther-perel-3265_desire_if-intimacy-grows-through-repetition-and_150282.png) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/41d/esther-perel-3265_desire_if-intimacy-grows-through-repetition-and_150282.png) > ““If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.”” [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. Desire fades when routine replaces novelty; love thrives on familiarity, but passion needs mystery and unpredictability. **In simple terms:** Routine kills desire; mystery fuels it. Key Takeaway Cultivate novelty to keep desire alive. Themes relationships desire novelty intimacy passion Mood reflective intimate Type advice philosophical When to use this quote - long‑term partnership - marriage counseling - dating - creative collaborations Key Concepts psychology attachment theory sexuality Questions to Reflect On - How can couples re‑introduce mystery into daily life? - What small changes can sustain desire over years? ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Desire](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/desire/) [Love](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/love/) [Nostalgia](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/nostalgia/) [Romance](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/romance/) [Unexpected love](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/unexpected-love/) ## Related quotes > [“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/love-enjoys-knowing-everything-about-you-desire-needs-mystery-love-2/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [Do you know what the mathematical expression is for longing? ... The negative numbers. The formalization of the feeling that you are missing something.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/peter-h-eg/do-you-know-what-the-mathematical-expression-is-for-longing-the/) [Peter Høeg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/peter-h-eg/) > [Don't trap yourself with the desire of wanting to be liked.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jada-pinkett-smith/don-t-trap-yourself-with-the-desire-of-wanting-to-be-liked/) [Jada Pinkett Smith](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jada-pinkett-smith/) > [“To recover his heart’s desire a man needs to get away from the noise and distraction of his daily life for time with his…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-eldredge/to-recover-his-heart-s-desire-a-man-needs-to-get-away-from-the-noise/) [John Eldredge](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-eldredge/) > [“Desire made fools of us all, did it not? What was more controlling than unconsummated desire? What but wanting sent men on fatal quests…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/megan-chance/desire-made-fools-of-us-all-did-it-not-what-was-more-controlling-than/) [Megan Chance](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/megan-chance/) > [Suffering is caused by desire. Desire is wanting something you don't have, wishing something were some way it isn't, or being otherwise generally dissatisfied…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ritu-ghatourey/suffering-is-caused-by-desire-desire-is-wanting-something-you-don-t/) [Ritu Ghatourey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ritu-ghatourey/) > [Law of Attraction abounds, and when it is said to you, 'Ask, and it is given,' there is no more powerful statement that is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-hicks/law-of-attraction-abounds-and-when-it-is-said-to-you-ask-and-it-is/) [Esther Hicks](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-hicks/) > [Creativity is a space for solitary longing, the desire to be elsewhere in space and time, to be in a new ideal world where…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/chenjerai-hove/creativity-is-a-space-for-solitary-longing-the-desire-to-be-elsewhere/) Chenjerai Hove > [“there are people all over the world who carry the mermaid inside them, that otherworldly beauty and longing and desire that made her reach…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/carolyn-turgeon/there-are-people-all-over-the-world-who-carry-the-mermaid-inside-them/) [Carolyn Turgeon](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/carolyn-turgeon/) > [Lovers feel a certain burning in their hearts. A deep longing and desire to meet with the beloved creates that burning. To love God…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/lovers-feel-a-certain-burning-in-their-hearts-a-deep-longing-and-2/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) > [Entirety exists within me as exuberance in empty longing in the desire to burn with desire.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/georges-bataille/entirety-exists-within-me-as-exuberance-in-empty-longing-in-the/) [Georges Bataille](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/georges-bataille/) > [“Comes again the longing, the desire that has no name. Is it for Mrs. Prouty, for a drink, for both: for a party, for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/walker-percy/comes-again-the-longing-the-desire-that-has-no-name-is-it-for-mrs/) [Walker Percy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/walker-percy/) > [Longing and desire goes further than instant satisfaction. That's human nature.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anna-sui/longing-and-desire-goes-further-than-instant-satisfaction-that-s/) [Anna Sui](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anna-sui/) > [Lovers feel a certain burning in their hearts. A deep longing and desire to meet with the beloved creates that burning.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/lovers-feel-a-certain-burning-in-their-hearts-a-deep-longing-and/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) > [Some feelings are stronger than fear: love, longing, desire.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/luanne-rice/some-feelings-are-stronger-than-fear-love-longing-desire/) [Luanne Rice](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/luanne-rice/) ## More by Esther Perel > [Sometimes it has to do with other longings that are much more existential. Sometimes you go elsewhere not because you are not liking the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/sometimes-it-has-to-do-with-other-longings-that-are-much-more/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [ “For \[erotically intelligent couples\], love is a vessel that contains both security and adventure, and commitment offers one of the great luxuries of life:… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/for-erotically-intelligent-couples-love-is-a-vessel-that-contains/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [It’s hard to feel attracted to someone who has abandoned her sense of autonomy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/it-s-hard-to-feel-attracted-to-someone-who-has-abandoned-her-sense-of/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [For some people, a one-night stand doesn't make any difference in a seven-year love affair. I don't believe the degree of betrayal is always…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/for-some-people-a-one-night-stand-doesn-t-make-any-difference-in-a/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [I want to engage people in an honest, enlightened, and provocative conversation about the nature of erotic desire and the intricacies of intimacy and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/i-want-to-engage-people-in-an-honest-enlightened-and-provocative/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [“The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships . . . which are basically a reflection of your sense…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/the-quality-of-your-life-ultimately-depends-on-the-quality-of-your/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [If you start to feel that you have given up too many parts of yourself to be with your partner, then one day you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/if-you-start-to-feel-that-you-have-given-up-too-many-parts-of/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [“I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/i-regret-to-say-that-we-of-the-fbi-are-powerless-to-act-in-cases-of/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [You never know your partner as well as you think.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/you-never-know-your-partner-as-well-as-you-think/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [On some level we trade passion for security, that's trading one illusion for another. It's a matter of degree. We can't live in constant…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/on-some-level-we-trade-passion-for-security-that-s-trading-one/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [“When the impulse to share becomes obligatory, when personal boundaries are no longer respected, when only the shared space of togetherness is acknowledged and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/when-the-impulse-to-share-becomes-obligatory-when-personal-boundaries/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [“I do believe that the emphasis on egalitarian and respectful sex—purged of any expressions of power, aggression, and transgression—is antithetical to erotic desire for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/i-do-believe-that-the-emphasis-on-egalitarian-and-respectful-sex/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [“She’s beautiful, too, did I mention that? She lives the life I didn’t live. I feel middle-age and middle-class around her. Nothing wrong with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/she-s-beautiful-too-did-i-mention-that-she-lives-the-life-i-didn-t/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [In dating, if you say no, your lover goes on to the next person. In marriage, if you say no, the person stays.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/in-dating-if-you-say-no-your-lover-goes-on-to-the-next-person-in/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) > [“The French psychologist Jacques Salomé talks about the need to develop a personal intimacy with one’s own self as a counterbalance to the couple.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/the-french-psychologist-jacques-salom-talks-about-the-need-to-develop/) [Esther Perel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) [Explore all 135 Esther Perel quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/) ## More Desire quotes > [I put myself in the student's place and remember the frustrations, doubts, determination, and desires I felt when I was going through the initial…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ted-martinez/i-put-myself-in-the-student-s-place-and-remember-the-frustrations/) Ted Martinez > [Passion is what you need to be good, an unforgiving passion.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-easton/passion-is-what-you-need-to-be-good-an-unforgiving-passion/) [David Easton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-easton/) > [I want the municipality to be a helping hand to the man with a desire of sympathy, to help the fallen when it is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-burns/i-want-the-municipality-to-be-a-helping-hand-to-the-man-with-a-desire/) [John Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-burns/) > [Ye youths and virgins, when your generous blood Has drunk the warmth of fifteen summers, now The loves invite; now to new rapture wakes…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-armstrong/ye-youths-and-virgins-when-your-generous-blood-has-drunk-the-warmth/) [John Armstrong](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-armstrong/) > [I have observed this in my experience of slavery, - that whenever my condition was improved, instead of its increasing my contentment, it only…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/frederick-douglass/i-have-observed-this-in-my-experience-of-slavery-that-whenever-my/) [Frederick Douglass](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/frederick-douglass/) > [“THE ESSENCE OF YOUR DESIRE IS A FEELING”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/danielle-laporte/the-essence-of-your-desire-is-a-feeling/) [Danielle LaPorte](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/danielle-laporte/) > [On the brink of being satiated, desire still appears infinite.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jean-rostand/on-the-brink-of-being-satiated-desire-still-appears-infinite/) [Jean Rostand](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jean-rostand/) > [If there is any period one would desire to be born in, is it not the age of Revolution; when the old and the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ralph-waldo-emerson/if-there-is-any-period-one-would-desire-to-be-born-in-is-it-not-the/) [Ralph Waldo Emerson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ralph-waldo-emerson/) > [He caught her, she fell, he caught her in his arms, he held her tightly unconscious of what he was doing. He held her…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/victor-hugo/he-caught-her-she-fell-he-caught-her-in-his-arms-he-held-her-tightly/) [Victor Hugo](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/victor-hugo/) > [ Teaching might even be the greatest of the arts since the medium is the human mind and spirit. My three \[great teachers\] did not… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-steinbeck/teaching-might-even-be-the-greatest-of-the-arts-since-the-medium-is/) [John Steinbeck](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-steinbeck/) > [“The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to be important.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-dewey/the-deepest-urge-in-human-nature-is-the-desire-to-be-important/) [John Dewey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-dewey/) > [In discovering books, you became free to explore the full range of human motives, desires, secrets, and lies. All my life, people have scolded…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/betsy-lerner/in-discovering-books-you-became-free-to-explore-the-full-range-of/) [Betsy Lerner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/betsy-lerner/) > [I have never been in, nor have I had any strong particular desire to be in, what is termed a costume drama, but I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/martin-freeman/i-have-never-been-in-nor-have-i-had-any-strong-particular-desire-to/) [Martin Freeman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/martin-freeman/) > [Now I am in the place I call this wide wide Heaven because it includes all my simplest desires but also the most humble…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alice-sebold/now-i-am-in-the-place-i-call-this-wide-wide-heaven-because-it/) [Alice Sebold](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alice-sebold/) > [“from THE DEVIL YOU KNOW : She wanted him too. He could see it in the rapid rise of her breasts. He could smell…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emery-lee/from-the-devil-you-know-she-wanted-him-too-he-could-see-it-in-the/) [Emery Lee](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emery-lee/) [Browse all 15,155 Desire quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/desire/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Esther Perel" }, "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/if-intimacy-grows-through-repetition-and-familiarity-eroticism-is/", "about": { "@type": "Thing", "name": "Desire" }, "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/if-intimacy-grows-through-repetition-and-familiarity-eroticism-is/#quotation", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/41d/esther-perel-3265_desire_if-intimacy-grows-through-repetition-and_150282.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/41d/esther-perel-3265_desire_if-intimacy-grows-through-repetition-and_150282.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/41d/esther-perel-3265_desire_if-intimacy-grows-through-repetition-and_150282.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the…” — Esther Perel", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } }, { "@type": "BreadcrumbList", "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "name": "Home", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "name": "Quotes", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "name": "Esther Perel", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/esther-perel/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "name": "“If intimacy grows through repetition and...", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/if-intimacy-grows-through-repetition-and-familiarity-eroticism-is/" } ], "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/esther-perel/if-intimacy-grows-through-repetition-and-familiarity-eroticism-is/#breadcrumb" }, { "@type": "WebSite", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "publisher": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } }, { "@type": "Organization", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "logo": { "@type": "ImageObject", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/themes/sq/assets/icons/icon-512.png", "width": 512, "height": 512 } } ] } ```