--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: It is not we as individuals, then, who…" description: "\"“It is not we as individuals, then, who must bend uncomfortably around the institution of marriage; rather it is the institution of marriage that has t..." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/067/elizabeth-gilbert-131_marriage_it-is-not-we-as-individuals-then-who-mus_3114953.jpg" --- # It is not we as individuals, then, who must bend… ![“It is not we as individuals, then, who must bend uncomfortably around the institution of marriage; rather it is the institution of marriage that has to bend uncomfortably around US. Because "they" (the powers that be) have never been entirely able to stop "us" (two people) from connecting our…” quote by Elizabeth Gilbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/067/elizabeth-gilbert-131_marriage_it-is-not-we-as-individuals-then-who-mus_3114953.jpg) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/067/elizabeth-gilbert-131_marriage_it-is-not-we-as-individuals-then-who-mus_3114953.jpg) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/067/elizabeth-gilbert-131_marriage_it-is-not-we-as-individuals-then-who-mus_3114953.jpg) > ““It is not we as individuals, then, who must bend uncomfortably around the institution of marriage; rather it is the institution of marriage that has to bend uncomfortably around US. Because "they" (the powers that be) have never been entirely able to stop "us" (two people) from connecting our lives together and creating a secret world of our own. And so "they" eventually have no choice but to legally permit "us" to marry, in some shape or form, no matter how restrictive their ordinaces may appear. (...) So perhaps I've had this story deliciously backwards the whole time. To somehow suggest that society invented marriage, and then forced human beings to bond with each other, is perhaps absurd. It's like suggesting that society invented dentists, and then forced people to grow teeth. WE invented marriage. Couples invented marriage. We also invented divorce, mind you. And we invented infidelity, too, as well as romantic misery. In fact, we invented the whole damn sloppy mess of love and intimacy and aversion and euphoria and failure. But most importantly of all, most subversively of all, most stubbornly of all, we invented privacy.”” [Elizabeth Gilbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-gilbert/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. Marriage is a social construct shaped by people, not the other way around; individuals create its rules and meanings. **In simple terms:** People shape marriage, not marriage shapes people. Key Takeaway Recognize personal agency in relationships. Themes relationships society agency privacy love Mood reflective critical empowering Type philosophical social commentary When to use this quote - marriage negotiations - legal reforms - relationship counseling - activism - personal boundaries Key Concepts social constructs personal autonomy institutional critique Questions to Reflect On - How do you actively shape your relationship norms? - What limits exist when redefining marriage? A Different Perspective Institutions can still exert strong pressure despite individual agency. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Institution Marriage](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/institution-marriage/) [Invented Marriage](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/invented-marriage-3341114/) [Love And Intimacy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/love-and-intimacy/) [Marriage](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/marriage/) [Marriage Forced](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/marriage-forced-2423537/) [Marriage Institution](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/marriage-institution/) [Marriage Invented](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/marriage-invented-3880155/) ## Related quotes > [We invented marriage. Couples invented marriage. We also invented divorce,mind you. And we invented infidelity,too, as well as romantic misery. In fact we invented…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/elizabeth-gilbert/we-invented-marriage-couples-invented-marriage-we-also-invented/) [Elizabeth Gilbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-gilbert/) > [Sometimes I really wonder if the dangerous intricacies of marriage are ever considered by who ever invented marriage institution. I honestly believe that instead…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kemmy-nola-http-wwwamoreloveforlifecom/sometimes-i-really-wonder-if-the-dangerous-intricacies-of-marriage/) [Kemmy Nola Http://wwwamoreloveforlifecom](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kemmy-nola-http-wwwamoreloveforlifecom/) > [It is not we as individuals, then, who must bend uncomfortably around the institution of marriage; rather, it is the institution of marriage that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/elizabeth-gilbert/it-is-not-we-as-individuals-then-who-must-bend-uncomfortably-around/) [Elizabeth Gilbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-gilbert/) > [“You were kidnapped not?" "I was kidnapped." "You were forced not into marriage?" "I was forced into marriage." "You want not an annulment?" "I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/deeanne-gist/you-were-kidnapped-not-i-was-kidnapped-you-were-forced-not-into/) [Deeanne Gist](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/deeanne-gist/) > [But people try love and because they are unconscious... their longing is good, but their love is full of jealousy, full of possessiveness, full…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rajneesh/but-people-try-love-and-because-they-are-unconscious-their-longing-is/) [Rajneesh](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rajneesh/) > [“Any man," she muttered, "who wanted to marry into the Hathaway family after this should be shut away in an institution." "Marriage is an…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lisa-kleypas/any-man-she-muttered-who-wanted-to-marry-into-the-hathaway-family/) [Lisa Kleypas](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lisa-kleypas/) > [The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/hussein-nishah/the-problem-with-marriage-is-that-it-was-invented-when-people-lived/) [Hussein Nishah](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/hussein-nishah/) > [Marriage was invented to make girls miserable. I will never get married again, not ever again.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nujood-ali/marriage-was-invented-to-make-girls-miserable-i-will-never-get/) [Nujood Ali](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nujood-ali/) > [“And He was the one who invented marriage so that the blazing fire of romantic love could become something even more beautiful - a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/joshua-harris/and-he-was-the-one-who-invented-marriage-so-that-the-blazing-fire-of/) [Joshua Harris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/joshua-harris/) > [Whoever invented marriage was an ingenious tormentor. It is an institution committed to the dulling of the feelings. The whole point of marriage is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/susan-sontag/whoever-invented-marriage-was-an-ingenious-tormentor-it-is-an/) [Susan Sontag](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/susan-sontag/) > [“At my age one's seldom amazed," he said, smiling. "Marriage is too absurd in any case. It begins and continues for such very slight…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/e-m-forster-2/at-my-age-one-s-seldom-amazed-he-said-smiling-marriage-is-too-absurd/) [E.M. Forster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/e-m-forster-2/) > [The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mary-quant/the-gods-gave-man-fire-and-he-invented-fire-engines-they-gave-him/) [Mary Quant](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mary-quant/) > [ The Silly Putty-like malleability of the institution \[marriage\], in fact, is the only reason we still have the thing at all. Very few people...… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/elizabeth-gilbert/the-silly-putty-like-malleability-of-the-institution-marriage-in-fact/) [Elizabeth Gilbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-gilbert/) > [“It may be that same-sex couples will save the institution of marriage.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/elizabeth-gilbert/it-may-be-that-same-sex-couples-will-save-the-institution-of-marriage/) [Elizabeth Gilbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-gilbert/) > [There's a tendency to dismiss anything having to do with love and intimacy in medicine because it's hard to measure.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dean-ornish/there-s-a-tendency-to-dismiss-anything-having-to-do-with-love-and/) [Dean Ornish](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dean-ornish/) ## More by Elizabeth Gilbert > [That's your friend. My husband is my best friend. He's not the mirror that holds up my flaws. He's just the guy who's like,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/elizabeth-gilbert/that-s-your-friend-my-husband-is-my-best-friend-he-s-not-the-mirror/) [Elizabeth Gilbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-gilbert/) > [“Not to mention that I have finally arrived at that age where a woman starts to question whether the wisest way to get over…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/elizabeth-gilbert/not-to-mention-that-i-have-finally-arrived-at-that-age-where-a-woman/) [Elizabeth Gilbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-gilbert/) > [“The Buddha taught that all human suffering is rooted in desire. Don't we all know this to be true? Any of us who have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/elizabeth-gilbert/the-buddha-taught-that-all-human-suffering-is-rooted-in-desire-don-t/) [Elizabeth Gilbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-gilbert/) > [ “And while \[we\] do have possibilities that are vast and magnificent and almost infinite in scope, it's important to remember that our choice-rich lives… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/elizabeth-gilbert/and-while-we-do-have-possibilities-that-are-vast-and-magnificent-and/) [Elizabeth Gilbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-gilbert/) > [Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/elizabeth-gilbert/learn-your-way-around-loneliness-make-a-map-of-it-sit-with-it-for/) [Elizabeth Gilbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-gilbert/) > [If we never leave our house except to drive to work, do we need to be even remotely aware of this powerful, humbling, extraordinary…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/elizabeth-gilbert/if-we-never-leave-our-house-except-to-drive-to-work-do-we-need-to-be/) [Elizabeth Gilbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-gilbert/) > [I will tell you why we have these extraordinary minds and souls, Miss Whittaker," he continued, as though he had not heard her. "We…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/elizabeth-gilbert/i-will-tell-you-why-we-have-these-extraordinary-minds-and-souls-miss/) [Elizabeth Gilbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-gilbert/) > [Both the five-year-olds looked at me with bewilderment and a bit of fearful uncertainty. I had a sudden horrifying image of the woman I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/elizabeth-gilbert/both-the-five-year-olds-looked-at-me-with-bewilderment-and-a-bit-of/) [Elizabeth Gilbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-gilbert/) > [“Clearing out all your misery gets you out of the way. You cease being an obstacle, not only to yourself but to anyone else.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/elizabeth-gilbert/clearing-out-all-your-misery-gets-you-out-of-the-way-you-cease-being/) [Elizabeth Gilbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-gilbert/) > [The ingredients of both darkness and light are equally present in all of us,...The madness of this planet is largely a result of the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/elizabeth-gilbert/the-ingredients-of-both-darkness-and-light-are-equally-present-in-all/) [Elizabeth Gilbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-gilbert/) > [I was full of a hot, powerful sadness and would have loved to burst into the comfort of tears, but tried hard not to,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/elizabeth-gilbert/i-was-full-of-a-hot-powerful-sadness-and-would-have-loved-to-burst/) [Elizabeth Gilbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-gilbert/) > [“I live in nature where everything is connected, circular. The seasons are circular. The planet is circular, and so is the planet around the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/elizabeth-gilbert/i-live-in-nature-where-everything-is-connected-circular-the-seasons/) [Elizabeth Gilbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-gilbert/) > [“His spelling was several degrees beyond arbitrary, and his punctuation brought reason to sigh with unhappiness. But”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/elizabeth-gilbert/his-spelling-was-several-degrees-beyond-arbitrary-and-his-punctuation/) [Elizabeth Gilbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-gilbert/) > [Before you realize this truth, say the Yogis, you will always be in despair, a notion nicely expressed in this exasperated line from the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/elizabeth-gilbert/before-you-realize-this-truth-say-the-yogis-you-will-always-be-in/) [Elizabeth Gilbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-gilbert/) > [I actually have a great deal of respect for antidepressants; I think they can be enormously mighty tools toward recovery.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/elizabeth-gilbert/i-actually-have-a-great-deal-of-respect-for-antidepressants-i-think/) [Elizabeth Gilbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-gilbert/) [Explore all 1,156 Elizabeth Gilbert quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/elizabeth-gilbert/) ## More Marriage quotes > [Unmarried couples should get married - that's an excellent tax avoidance measure, if a bit drastic.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-whiting/unmarried-couples-should-get-married-that-s-an-excellent-tax/) [John Whiting](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-whiting/) > [I know for my wife and I, we always loved the idea of being young parents. It is an incredibly inspiring and challenging job…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/taylor-hanson/i-know-for-my-wife-and-i-we-always-loved-the-idea-of-being-young/) [Taylor Hanson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/taylor-hanson/) > [I cannot forbid a person to marry several wives, for it does not contradict Scripture. MARTIN LUTHER, letter to Chancellor Gregory Brück, January 13,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jean-de-la-bruyere/i-cannot-forbid-a-person-to-marry-several-wives-for-it-does-not/) [Jean de la Bruyere](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jean-de-la-bruyere/) > [I don't like being away from home. That's one reason why I don't work as much as I used to \[when I started my…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jane-powell/i-don-t-like-being-away-from-home-that-s-one-reason-why-i-don-t-work/) [Jane Powell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jane-powell/) > [Luckily, the bullet that hit my chest never got to me. It was stopped by a silver case I got for my brother's wedding.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-doohan/luckily-the-bullet-that-hit-my-chest-never-got-to-me-it-was-stopped/) [James Doohan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-doohan/) > [Do you think that God would separate me from my husband if I killed myself? I feel as though I am going out of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/do-you-think-that-god-would-separate-me-from-my-husband-if-i-killed/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) > [The thing about hitting kids is, think about if you were doing the same thing to another adult. Hitting your kid is really the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/the-thing-about-hitting-kids-is-think-about-if-you-were-doing-the/) [Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/) > [“Take an interest in his appearance. Keeping his clothes in order is your job; encouraging him to look his best, and admiring him when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ellen-baker/take-an-interest-in-his-appearance-keeping-his-clothes-in-order-is/) [Ellen Baker](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ellen-baker/) > [Females always say, you can't turn a hoe into a house wife, but steady be trying to turn a dog into a faithful man…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/hussein-nishah/females-always-say-you-can-t-turn-a-hoe-into-a-house-wife-but-steady/) [Hussein Nishah](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/hussein-nishah/) > [He's a fool that marries; but he's a greater fool that does not marry a fool.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/william-wycherley/he-s-a-fool-that-marries-but-he-s-a-greater-fool-that-does-not-marry/) [William Wycherley](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/william-wycherley/) > [Her dignity consists in being unknown to the world; her glory is in the esteem of her husband; her pleasures in the happiness of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jean-jacques-rousseau/her-dignity-consists-in-being-unknown-to-the-world-her-glory-is-in/) [Jean-Jacques Rousseau](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jean-jacques-rousseau/) > [But I think that of all the literature that I studied, the book that did more than any other to fire my enthusiasm was…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kwame-nkrumah/but-i-think-that-of-all-the-literature-that-i-studied-the-book-that/) [Kwame Nkrumah](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kwame-nkrumah/) > [Most marriages don't add two people together. They subtract one from the other.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ian-fleming/most-marriages-don-t-add-two-people-together-they-subtract-one-from/) [Ian Fleming](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ian-fleming/) > [Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/h-l-mencken/alimony-the-ransom-that-the-happy-pay-to-the-devil/) [H. L. Mencken](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/h-l-mencken/) > [“His own parents, the estimable Gilchrists, a couple who had taken the 'till death' part of their own wedding vows so seriously he wouldn't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ally-blake/his-own-parents-the-estimable-gilchrists-a-couple-who-had-taken-the/) [Ally Blake](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ally-blake/) [Browse all 31,920 Marriage quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/marriage/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“It is not we as individuals, then, who must bend uncomfortably around the institution of marriage; rather it is the institution of marriage that has to bend uncomfortably around US. Because \"they\" (the powers that be) have never been entirely able to stop \"us\" (two people) from connecting our lives together and creating a secret world of our own. And so \"they\" eventually have no choice but to legally permit \"us\" to marry, in some shape or form, no matter how restrictive their ordinaces may appear. (...) So perhaps I've had this story deliciously backwards the whole time. To somehow suggest that society invented marriage, and then forced human beings to bond with each other, is perhaps absurd. It's like suggesting that society invented dentists, and then forced people to grow teeth. WE invented marriage. Couples invented marriage. We also invented divorce, mind you. And we invented infidelity, too, as well as romantic misery. In fact, we invented the whole damn sloppy mess of love and intimacy and aversion and euphoria and failure. 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