--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: A great sorrow, and one that I am only…" description: "\"A great sorrow, and one that I am only beginning to understand: we don’t get to choose our own hearts. We can’t make ourselves want what’s good for us ..." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/11f/donna-tartt-391_grief_a-great-sorrow-and-one-that-i-am-only-be_117095.jpg" --- # A great sorrow, and one that I am only beginning to… ![“A great sorrow, and one that I am only beginning to understand: we don’t get to choose our own hearts. We can’t make ourselves want what’s good for us or what’s good for other people. We don’t get to choose the people we are.” quote by Donna Tartt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/11f/donna-tartt-391_grief_a-great-sorrow-and-one-that-i-am-only-be_117095.jpg) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/11f/donna-tartt-391_grief_a-great-sorrow-and-one-that-i-am-only-be_117095.jpg) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/11f/donna-tartt-391_grief_a-great-sorrow-and-one-that-i-am-only-be_117095.jpg) > “A great sorrow, and one that I am only beginning to understand: we don’t get to choose our own hearts. We can’t make ourselves want what’s good for us or what’s good for other people. We don’t get to choose the people we are.” [Donna Tartt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/donna-tartt/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. We cannot control who we love or who we become; our hearts and identities are shaped by forces beyond deliberate choice. **In simple terms:** Love and identity are not fully self‑chosen. Key Takeaway Self‑determination has limits. Themes identity love choice fate Mood somber reflective Type philosophical literary When to use this quote - relationship counseling - personal growth workshops - literary analysis Key Concepts determinism psychological development Practical Applications - accept inherent unpredictability - focus on adaptive coping strategies Questions to Reflect On - How can we balance acceptance with agency? - What role does self‑reflection play in shaping identity? A Different Perspective Risk of fatalism; may discourage proactive self‑improvement. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Grief](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/grief/) [Heart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/heart/) [People](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/people/) [Sorrow](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/sorrow/) ## Related quotes > [“we don’t get to choose our own hearts. We can’t make ourselves want what’s good for us or what’s good for other people. We…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/donna-tartt/we-don-t-get-to-choose-our-own-hearts-we-can-t-make-ourselves-want-2/) [Donna Tartt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/donna-tartt/) > [“…We don't get to choose our own hearts. We can't make ourselves want what's good for us or what's good for other people. We…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tartt-donna/we-don-t-get-to-choose-our-own-hearts-we-can-t-make-ourselves-want/) [Tartt Donna](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tartt-donna/) > [Yet there be certain times in a young man’s life, when, through great sorrow or sin, all the boy in him is burnt and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rudyard-kipling/yet-there-be-certain-times-in-a-young-man-s-life-when-through-great/) [Rudyard Kipling](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rudyard-kipling/) > [Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/leo-tolstoy/only-people-who-are-capable-of-loving-strongly-can-also-suffer-great/) [Leo Tolstoy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/leo-tolstoy/) > [Don't play with someones heart, there are plenty of toys in the world, why choose their hearts?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-hudson/don-t-play-with-someones-heart-there-are-plenty-of-toys-in-the-world/) [James Hudson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-hudson/) > [This last month I have felt the burden of a city. Its great sorrow has pressed in on my soul. Its vice and sin…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/oswald-j-smith/this-last-month-i-have-felt-the-burden-of-a-city-its-great-sorrow-has/) [Oswald J. Smith](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/oswald-j-smith/) > [“With old and young great sorrow is followed by a sleepless night, and with the old great joy is as disturbing; but you, I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/w-somerset-maugham/with-old-and-young-great-sorrow-is-followed-by-a-sleepless-night-and/) [W. Somerset Maugham](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/w-somerset-maugham/) > [I cannot sleep - great joy is as restless as great sorrow.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/fanny-burney/i-cannot-sleep-great-joy-is-as-restless-as-great-sorrow/) [Fanny Burney](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/fanny-burney/) > [“Some day, in years to come, you will be wrestling with the great temptation, or trembling under the great sorrow of your life. But…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phillip-brooks/some-day-in-years-to-come-you-will-be-wrestling-with-the-great/) Phillip Brooks > [A great sorrow, like a mariner's quadrant, brings the sun at noon down to the horizon, and we learn where we are on the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/henry-wadsworth-longfellow/a-great-sorrow-like-a-mariner-s-quadrant-brings-the-sun-at-noon-down/) [Henry Wadsworth Longfellow](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/henry-wadsworth-longfellow/) > [When we tell the story of our own conversion, I would have it done with great sorrow, remembering what we used to be, and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/charles-spurgeon/when-we-tell-the-story-of-our-own-conversion-i-would-have-it-done/) [Charles Spurgeon](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/charles-spurgeon/) > [Great sorrow or great joy should bring intense hunger--not abstinence from food, as our novelists will have it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/arthur-conan-doyle/great-sorrow-or-great-joy-should-bring-intense-hunger-not-abstinence/) [Arthur Conan Doyle](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/arthur-conan-doyle/) > [“...what good people can do in the face of great sorrow. We help some time pass for those suffering. We sit with them in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anne-lamott/what-good-people-can-do-in-the-face-of-great-sorrow-we-help-some-time/) [Anne Lamott](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anne-lamott/) > [“There is a great sorrow in me now, with as many facets as a fly's eyes, and I must give birth to this monstrosity…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/syliva/there-is-a-great-sorrow-in-me-now-with-as-many-facets-as-a-fly-s-eyes/) Syliva > [“The truth is life is full of joy and full of great sorrow, but you can't have one without the other.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/the-truth-is-life-is-full-of-joy-and-full-of-great-sorrow-but-you-can/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) ## More by Donna Tartt > [I hope we're all ready to leave the phenomenal world, and enter into the sublime?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/donna-tartt/i-hope-we-re-all-ready-to-leave-the-phenomenal-world-and-enter-into/) [Donna Tartt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/donna-tartt/) > [And I add my own love to the history of people who have loved beautiful things, and looked out for them, and pulled them…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/donna-tartt/and-i-add-my-own-love-to-the-history-of-people-who-have-loved/) [Donna Tartt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/donna-tartt/) > [And the flavor of Pippa's kiss--bittersweet and strange--stayed with me all the way back uptown, swaying and sleepy as I sailed home on the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/donna-tartt/and-the-flavor-of-pippa-s-kiss-bittersweet-and-strange-stayed-with-me/) [Donna Tartt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/donna-tartt/) > [“The world won't come to me...so I must go to it.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/donna-tartt/the-world-won-t-come-to-me-so-i-must-go-to-it/) [Donna Tartt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/donna-tartt/) > [There's an expectation these days that novels - like any other consumer product - should be made on a production line, with one dropping…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/donna-tartt/there-s-an-expectation-these-days-that-novels-like-any-other-consumer/) [Donna Tartt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/donna-tartt/) > [“A month or two before, I would have been appalled at the idea of any murder at all. But that Sunday afternoon, as I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/donna-tartt/a-month-or-two-before-i-would-have-been-appalled-at-the-idea-of-any/) [Donna Tartt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/donna-tartt/) > [Well, I think storytellers have always found murder a fascinating device.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/donna-tartt/well-i-think-storytellers-have-always-found-murder-a-fascinating/) [Donna Tartt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/donna-tartt/) > [Always remember, the person we’re really working for is the person who’s restoring the piece a hundred years from now. He’s the one we…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/donna-tartt/always-remember-the-person-we-re-really-working-for-is-the-person-who/) [Donna Tartt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/donna-tartt/) > [“The silence between us was happy and strange, connected by the cord and the icy voices thinly echoing. “You don’t have to talk,” she…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/donna-tartt/the-silence-between-us-was-happy-and-strange-connected-by-the-cord/) [Donna Tartt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/donna-tartt/) > [“It is a terrible thing to learn as a child that one is a being separate from all the world, that no one and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/donna-tartt/it-is-a-terrible-thing-to-learn-as-a-child-that-one-is-a-being/) [Donna Tartt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/donna-tartt/) > [“You didn’t meet many people who moved freely through the world with such a vigorous contempt for it and at the same time such…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/donna-tartt/you-didn-t-meet-many-people-who-moved-freely-through-the-world-with/) [Donna Tartt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/donna-tartt/) > [“maybe that’s what’s waiting for us at the end of the journey, a majesty unimaginable until the very moment we find ourselves walking through…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/donna-tartt/maybe-that-s-what-s-waiting-for-us-at-the-end-of-the-journey-a/) [Donna Tartt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/donna-tartt/) > [“lights and moods and seasons was to see it a thousand different ways and to keep it shut in the dark—a thing made of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/donna-tartt/lights-and-moods-and-seasons-was-to-see-it-a-thousand-different-ways/) [Donna Tartt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/donna-tartt/) > [“Upon meeting Julian Morrow, one has the impression that he is a man of extraordinary sympathy and warmth. But what you call his 'Asiatic…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/donna-tartt/upon-meeting-julian-morrow-one-has-the-impression-that-he-is-a-man-of/) [Donna Tartt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/donna-tartt/) > [“—if a painting really works down in your heart and changes the way you see, and think, and feel, you don’t think, ‘oh, I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/donna-tartt/if-a-painting-really-works-down-in-your-heart-and-changes-the-way-you/) [Donna Tartt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/donna-tartt/) [Explore all 590 Donna Tartt quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/donna-tartt/) ## More Grief quotes > [“...they had lived, they'd lived intensely. But no matter how deeply you live, it comes to this in the end: one of you will…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/brian-morton/they-had-lived-they-d-lived-intensely-but-no-matter-how-deeply-you/) [Brian Morton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/brian-morton/) > [“You must understand the pain and grief of losing someone is nothing more than a function of survival.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-cooper/you-must-understand-the-pain-and-grief-of-losing-someone-is-nothing/) [Steven Cooper](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-cooper/) > [You felt a deep sorrow, the kind of melancholy you feel when you're in a beautiful place and the sun is going down](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/thrity-umrigar/you-felt-a-deep-sorrow-the-kind-of-melancholy-you-feel-when-you-re-in/) [Thrity Umrigar](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/thrity-umrigar/) > [... how much of our inner substance is it good for us to give to public griefs? The whole modern tendency to agonize over…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/louise-bogan/how-much-of-our-inner-substance-is-it-good-for-us-to-give-to-public/) [Louise Bogan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/louise-bogan/) > [You dont choose your life; it chooses you. Theres no point asking why life has reserved certain joys or griefs, you just accept them…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paulo-coelho/you-dont-choose-your-life-it-chooses-you-theres-no-point-asking-why/) [Paulo Coelho](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paulo-coelho/) > [“When we learn to attribute meaning to the events in our lives, we connect with our Higher Purpose, Higher Wisdom, or Source; we become…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/susan-barbara-apollon/when-we-learn-to-attribute-meaning-to-the-events-in-our-lives-we/) [Susan Barbara Apollon](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/susan-barbara-apollon/) > [Only to have a grief equal to all these tears!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/adrienne-rich/only-to-have-a-grief-equal-to-all-these-tears/) [Adrienne Rich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/adrienne-rich/) > [Nowadays most people wear black most of the time anyway: go to a literary party and one would imagine everyone there was in perpetual…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/fay-weldon/nowadays-most-people-wear-black-most-of-the-time-anyway-go-to-a/) [Fay Weldon](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/fay-weldon/) > [Suppressed grief suffocates, it rages within the breast, and is forced to multiply its strength.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ovid/suppressed-grief-suffocates-it-rages-within-the-breast-and-is-forced/) [Ovid](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ovid/) > [That Woman is in love with her own grief.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gabrielle-zevin/that-woman-is-in-love-with-her-own-grief/) [Gabrielle Zevin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gabrielle-zevin/) > [Short time seems long in sorrow's sharp sustaining.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/william-shakespeare/short-time-seems-long-in-sorrow-s-sharp-sustaining/) [William Shakespeare](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/william-shakespeare/) > [These days grief seems like walking on a frozen river; most of the time he feels safe enough, but there is always that danger…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-nicholls/these-days-grief-seems-like-walking-on-a-frozen-river-most-of-the/) [David Nicholls](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-nicholls/) > [“You've been my beacon of light in my storm of grief, and I don't know if I could live without you.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/katie-ashley/you-ve-been-my-beacon-of-light-in-my-storm-of-grief-and-i-don-t-know/) [Katie Ashley](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/katie-ashley/) > [Ancient eyes had stared at me, filled with ancient grief. 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