--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: golden opportunity to learn to cope with…" description: "\"“golden opportunity to learn to cope with criticism and anger effectively. This came as a complete surprise to me; I hadn't realized what good fortune ..." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f08/david-d-burns-4607_anger_golden-opportunity-to-learn-to-cope-with_3067538.jpg" --- # golden opportunity to learn to cope with criticism and… ![“golden opportunity to learn to cope with criticism and anger effectively. This came as a complete surprise to me; I hadn't realized what good fortune I had. In addition to urging me to use cognitive techniques to reduce and eliminate my own sense of irritation. Dr. Beck proposed I try out an…” quote by David D. Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f08/david-d-burns-4607_anger_golden-opportunity-to-learn-to-cope-with_3067538.jpg) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f08/david-d-burns-4607_anger_golden-opportunity-to-learn-to-cope-with_3067538.jpg) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f08/david-d-burns-4607_anger_golden-opportunity-to-learn-to-cope-with_3067538.jpg) > ““golden opportunity to learn to cope with criticism and anger effectively. This came as a complete surprise to me; I hadn't realized what good fortune I had. In addition to urging me to use cognitive techniques to reduce and eliminate my own sense of irritation. Dr. Beck proposed I try out an unusual strategy for interacting with Hank when he was in an angry mood. The essence of this method was: (1) Don't turn Hank off by defending yourself. Instead, do the opposite—urge him to say all the worst things he can say about you. (2) Try to find a grain of truth in all his criticisms and then agree with him. (3) After this, point out any areas of disagreement in a straightforward, tactful, nonargumentative manner. (4) Emphasize the importance of sticking together, in spite of these occasional disagreements. I could remind Hank that frustration and fighting might slow down our therapy at times, but this need not destroy the relationship or prevent our work from ultimately becoming fruitful. I applied this strategy the next time Hank started storming around the office screaming at me. Just as I had planned, I urged Hank to keep it up and say all the worst things he could think of about me. The result was immediate and dramatic. Within a few moments, all the wind went out of his sails—all his vengeance seemed to melt away. He began communicating sensibly and calmly, and sat down. In fact, when I agreed with some of his criticisms, he suddenly began to defend me and say some nice things about me! I was so impressed with this result that I began using the same approach with other angry, explosive individuals, and I actually did begin to enjoy his hostile outbursts because I had an effective way to handle them. I also used the double-column technique for recording and talking back to my automatic thoughts after one of Hank's midnight calls (see Figure 16–1, page 415).”” [David D. Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-d-burns/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. A structured approach to defusing anger involves encouraging the angry person to vent, finding truth in their criticism, agreeing where possible, then calmly stating disagreements while emphasizing partnership. **In simple terms:** Let angry people vent, find truth, agree, then calmly address differences while staying united. Key Takeaway Use empathy and calm agreement to de‑escalate conflict. Themes communication conflict resolution empathy psychotherapy self‑regulation Mood calm strategic empathetic Type advice psychological practical When to use this quote - therapeutic sessions - workplace disputes - personal relationships - family arguments Key Concepts cognitive restructuring active listening assertiveness relationship repair Questions to Reflect On - How can you ensure genuine empathy when agreeing with criticism? - When might this technique worsen tension? A Different Perspective The method may backfire if the other person feels mocked or if the agreement seems insincere. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Anger](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/anger/) [Defending Yourself](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/defending-yourself/) [Golden opportunity](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/golden-opportunity/) [Next time](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/next-time/) [Sticking together](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/sticking-together/) ## Related quotes > [It may be relatively mild when expressed as criticism, anger, or feelings of severe frustration. Criticism has a negative influence on the feelings of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/h-burke-peterson/it-may-be-relatively-mild-when-expressed-as-criticism-anger-or/) [H. Burke Peterson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/h-burke-peterson/) > [“A powerful spiritual practice is consciously to allow the diminishment of ego when it happens without attempting to restore it. I recommend that you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eckhart-tolle/a-powerful-spiritual-practice-is-consciously-to-allow-the/) [Eckhart Tolle](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eckhart-tolle/) > [You will never be more than a common Christian until you give up your own interest and cease defending yourself.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/aiden-wilson-tozer/you-will-never-be-more-than-a-common-christian-until-you-give-up-your/) [Aiden Wilson Tozer](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/aiden-wilson-tozer/) > [“We cannot control the mind by trying to force it to be peaceful or positive. Many have attempted this using a plethora of methods…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-dines/we-cannot-control-the-mind-by-trying-to-force-it-to-be-peaceful-or/) [Christopher Dines](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-dines/) > [If you give up on trying to change larger structures and just go off on what some would say is a personal indulgence or…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-holmgren/if-you-give-up-on-trying-to-change-larger-structures-and-just-go-off/) [David Holmgren](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-holmgren/) > [“Defending yourself is not the same as offending your enemy. Watch what you say.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/holly-chamberlin/defending-yourself-is-not-the-same-as-offending-your-enemy-watch-what/) [Holly Chamberlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/holly-chamberlin/) > [She looks at me out of the side of her uncovered eye. "Chess, Zombie: defending yourself from the move that hasn't happened yet. Does…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rick-yancey/she-looks-at-me-out-of-the-side-of-her-uncovered-eye-chess-zombie/) [Rick Yancey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rick-yancey/) > [If you catch yourself in a cycle of trying to change someone, or defending yourself again someone who is trying to change you, walk…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/if-you-catch-yourself-in-a-cycle-of-trying-to-change-someone-or/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) > [You cannot win a battle in any arena merely by defending yourself.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/richard-m-nixon/you-cannot-win-a-battle-in-any-arena-merely-by-defending-yourself/) [Richard M. Nixon](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/richard-m-nixon/) > [“You can win no battles by defending yourself.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/katherine-lampe/you-can-win-no-battles-by-defending-yourself/) [Katherine Lampe](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/katherine-lampe/) > [...once again we face a paradox, for it appears that softening your heart and gently tending its wounds will protect you from evil. Building…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/deepak-chopra/once-again-we-face-a-paradox-for-it-appears-that-softening-your-heart/) [Deepak Chopra](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/deepak-chopra/) > [Terror must be attacked from where it originates. Otherwise, you will only be defending yourself against terror.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/arun-jaitley/terror-must-be-attacked-from-where-it-originates-otherwise-you-will/) [Arun Jaitley](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/arun-jaitley/) > [“I went mad before he did, you killed everything in me. Kiss me,will you. Stop defending yourself.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/michael-ondaatje/i-went-mad-before-he-did-you-killed-everything-in-me-kiss-me-will-you/) [Michael Ondaatje](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/michael-ondaatje/) > [“I’d learned long ago you had to block out the rush of regrets that followed the adrenaline dip after a fight. Otherwise the loop…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alyxandra-harvey/i-d-learned-long-ago-you-had-to-block-out-the-rush-of-regrets-that/) [Alyxandra Harvey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alyxandra-harvey/) ## More by David D. Burns > [A poor self-image is the magnifying glass that can transform a trivial mistake or an imperfection into an overwhelming symbol of personal defeat.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-d-burns/a-poor-self-image-is-the-magnifying-glass-that-can-transform-a/) [David D. Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-d-burns/) > [Most people do surprisingly poorly when dealing with a relative who is hurting, depressed, or anxious - we get defensive and try to solve…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-d-burns/most-people-do-surprisingly-poorly-when-dealing-with-a-relative-who/) [David D. Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-d-burns/) > [The first principle of cognitive therapy is that all your moods are created by your 'cognitions,' or thoughts. A cognition refers to the way…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-d-burns/the-first-principle-of-cognitive-therapy-is-that-all-your-moods-are/) [David D. Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-d-burns/) > [“In one sense, depression can feel even worse than cancer, because most cancer patients feel hope as well as self-esteem.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-d-burns/in-one-sense-depression-can-feel-even-worse-than-cancer-because-most/) [David D. Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-d-burns/) > [More often than not, the belief that you are bad contributes to the "bad" behavior. Change and learning occur most readily when you (a)…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-d-burns/more-often-than-not-the-belief-that-you-are-bad-contributes-to-the/) [David D. Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-d-burns/) > [Guilt is not the best way to remedy your mistakes.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-d-burns/guilt-is-not-the-best-way-to-remedy-your-mistakes/) [David D. Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-d-burns/) > [I had the fear of heights when I was young, along with many other fears and phobias, including the fear of dogs, bees, horses,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-d-burns/i-had-the-fear-of-heights-when-i-was-young-along-with-many-other/) [David D. Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-d-burns/) > [“The attitude that depression is necessary strikes me as destructive, inhuman, and victimizing.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-d-burns/the-attitude-that-depression-is-necessary-strikes-me-as-destructive/) [David D. Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-d-burns/) > [“know about the brain's hardware and software. How does the firing of a nerve or a series of nerves get translated into a thought…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-d-burns/know-about-the-brain-s-hardware-and-software-how-does-the-firing-of-a/) [David D. Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-d-burns/) > [“There was nothing dreadfully wrong with me, I was just upsetting myself with my irrational thinking. I just couldn't admit it until I knew…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-d-burns/there-was-nothing-dreadfully-wrong-with-me-i-was-just-upsetting/) [David D. Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-d-burns/) > [“Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-d-burns/aim-for-success-not-perfection-never-give-up-your-right-to-be-wrong/) [David D. Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-d-burns/) > [“And most important, nobody could love or relate to you. It would be impossible to feel any love for someone who was flawless and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-d-burns/and-most-important-nobody-could-love-or-relate-to-you-it-would-be/) [David D. Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-d-burns/) > [Negative thinking patterns can be immensely deceptive and persuasive, and change is rarely easy. But with patience and persistence, I believe that nearly all…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-d-burns/negative-thinking-patterns-can-be-immensely-deceptive-and-persuasive/) [David D. Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-d-burns/) > [“Many research studies, as well as my own clinical experience, have confirmed that severely depressed patients who appear very "biologically" depressed with lots of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-d-burns/many-research-studies-as-well-as-my-own-clinical-experience-have/) [David D. Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-d-burns/) > [Assert your right to make a few mistakes. If people can't accept your imperfections, that's their fault.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-d-burns/assert-your-right-to-make-a-few-mistakes-if-people-can-t-accept-your/) [David D. Burns](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-d-burns/) [Explore all 108 David D. Burns quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-d-burns/) ## More Anger quotes > [“If I let myself think of it the pain and anger were still fresh, adrenalin racing down my limbs to pool, hot and itchy,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kylie-ladd/if-i-let-myself-think-of-it-the-pain-and-anger-were-still-fresh/) [Kylie Ladd](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kylie-ladd/) > [I receive something we might euphemistically call an 'inappropriately hostile' response - that is to say, more than fair criticism or even fair anger…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mary-beard/i-receive-something-we-might-euphemistically-call-an-inappropriately/) [Mary Beard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mary-beard/) > [The vision of the left, full of envy and resentment, takes its worst toll on those at the bottom - whether black or white…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/thomas-sowell/the-vision-of-the-left-full-of-envy-and-resentment-takes-its-worst/) [Thomas Sowell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/thomas-sowell/) > [Anger is a rough water; if you can canalize it into a water mill, you can benefit from it. Anything bad can be transformed…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mehmet-murat-ildan/anger-is-a-rough-water-if-you-can-canalize-it-into-a-water-mill-you/) [Mehmet Murat Ildan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mehmet-murat-ildan/) > [“Some say the Earth is angry Because he wants no company; I say the Earth is angry Because he lives alone.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/n-k-jemisin/some-say-the-earth-is-angry-because-he-wants-no-company-i-say-the/) [N.K. Jemisin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/n-k-jemisin/) > [“When you feel terribly angry, you're possessed by anger ghost.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/toba-beta/when-you-feel-terribly-angry-you-re-possessed-by-anger-ghost/) [Toba Beta](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/toba-beta/) > [“Medical studies have shown that cursing reduces levels of stress and pain. Repressing your anger is not healthy. It's much better to verbalize it,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/oliver-markus-malloy/medical-studies-have-shown-that-cursing-reduces-levels-of-stress-and/) [Oliver Markus Malloy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/oliver-markus-malloy/) > [My care will be in the heart n not in words My anger will be in Words n not in the Heart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ritu-ghatourey/my-care-will-be-in-the-heart-n-not-in-words-my-anger-will-be-in-words/) [Ritu Ghatourey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ritu-ghatourey/) > [You should be angry. You must not be bitter. Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. It doesn't do anything to the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/maya-angelou/you-should-be-angry-you-must-not-be-bitter-bitterness-is-like-cancer/) [Maya Angelou](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/maya-angelou/) > [To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage almost all the time.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/to-be-a-negro-in-this-country-and-to-be-relatively-conscious-is-to-be/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) > [“God, you had enough time to have been through it three times. You've been through my stuff. I bet you over and let one…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-king/god-you-had-enough-time-to-have-been-through-it-three-times-you-ve/) [Stephen King](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-king/) > [The present contains nothing more than the past, and what is found in the effect was already in the cause.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/henri-bergson/the-present-contains-nothing-more-than-the-past-and-what-is-found-in/) [Henri Bergson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/henri-bergson/) > [Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/depression-is-merely-anger-without-enthusiasm/) [Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/) > [I always fight better when my opponent's angry.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-haye/i-always-fight-better-when-my-opponent-s-angry/) [David Haye](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-haye/) > [ “Where there are kashays (anger-pride-deceit-greed), there is worldly life. As long as anger-pride-deceit-greed exist; one is a sansaari \[living a worldly life\] regardless of… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dada-bhagwan/where-there-are-kashays-anger-pride-deceit-greed-there-is-worldly/) [Dada Bhagwan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dada-bhagwan/) [Browse all 7,469 Anger quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/anger/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“golden opportunity to learn to cope with criticism and anger effectively. This came as a complete surprise to me; I hadn't realized what good fortune I had. In addition to urging me to use cognitive techniques to reduce and eliminate my own sense of irritation. Dr. Beck proposed I try out an unusual strategy for interacting with Hank when he was in an angry mood. The essence of this method was: (1) Don't turn Hank off by defending yourself. Instead, do the opposite—urge him to say all the worst things he can say about you. (2) Try to find a grain of truth in all his criticisms and then agree with him. (3) After this, point out any areas of disagreement in a straightforward, tactful, nonargumentative manner. (4) Emphasize the importance of sticking together, in spite of these occasional disagreements. I could remind Hank that frustration and fighting might slow down our therapy at times, but this need not destroy the relationship or prevent our work from ultimately becoming fruitful. I applied this strategy the next time Hank started storming around the office screaming at me. Just as I had planned, I urged Hank to keep it up and say all the worst things he could think of about me. The result was immediate and dramatic. Within a few moments, all the wind went out of his sails—all his vengeance seemed to melt away. He began communicating sensibly and calmly, and sat down. In fact, when I agreed with some of his criticisms, he suddenly began to defend me and say some nice things about me! I was so impressed with this result that I began using the same approach with other angry, explosive individuals, and I actually did begin to enjoy his hostile outbursts because I had an effective way to handle them. I also used the double-column technique for recording and talking back to my automatic thoughts after one of Hank's midnight calls (see Figure 16–1, page 415).”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "David D. 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