--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: The secret to gaining the upper hand in a…" description: "\"The secret to gaining the upper hand in a negotiation is to give the other side the illusion of control. Don't try to force your opponent to admit that..." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/546/christopher-voss-13010_ask-questions_the-secret-to-gaining-the-upper-hand-in_2102926.jpg" --- # The secret to gaining the upper hand in a negotiation is… ![“The secret to gaining the upper hand in a negotiation is to give the other side the illusion of control. Don't try to force your opponent to admit that you are right. Ask questions, that begin with 'How?' or 'What?' so your opponent uses mental energy to figure out the answer.” quote by Christopher Voss](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/546/christopher-voss-13010_ask-questions_the-secret-to-gaining-the-upper-hand-in_2102926.jpg) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/546/christopher-voss-13010_ask-questions_the-secret-to-gaining-the-upper-hand-in_2102926.jpg) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/546/christopher-voss-13010_ask-questions_the-secret-to-gaining-the-upper-hand-in_2102926.jpg) > “The secret to gaining the upper hand in a negotiation is to give the other side the illusion of control. Don't try to force your opponent to admit that you are right. Ask questions, that begin with 'How?' or 'What?' so your opponent uses mental energy to figure out the answer.” [Christopher Voss](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-voss/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. Negotiators succeed by letting the counterpart feel in control, using open‑ended questions to guide thinking. **In simple terms:** Give the other side a feeling of control. Key Takeaway Ask “How?” or “What?” to steer dialogue. Themes negotiation psychology influence communication Mood strategic calm Type practical educational When to use this quote - business deals - conflict resolution - personal relationships - team management Key Concepts tactical empathy question framing Questions to Reflect On - How can you balance control illusion with honesty? - When is direct assertiveness more effective? A Different Perspective Over‑reliance on illusion may backfire if truth emerges. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Ask questions](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ask-questions/) [Begin Opponent](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/begin-opponent-4209715/) [Control](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/control/) [Energy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/energy/) [Force Opponent](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/force-opponent-3588694/) [Hand Negotiation](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/hand-negotiation-4209713/) [Illusion](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/illusion/) [Illusion of control](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/illusion-of-control/) [Negotiation](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/negotiation/) [Negotiation Illusion](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/negotiation-illusion-4209712/) [Opponent Admit](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/opponent-admit-4209714/) [Right](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/right/) [Try](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/try/) [Upper hand](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/upper-hand/) ## Related quotes > [We must not dive into tackles but force the opponent to run so that maybe they will crack late in the game.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/didier-deschamps/we-must-not-dive-into-tackles-but-force-the-opponent-to-run-so-that/) [Didier Deschamps](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/didier-deschamps/) > [Many of us rely on our own illusion of control. But when God makes it known to you that you're not the one steering…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/yasmin-mogahed/many-of-us-rely-on-our-own-illusion-of-control-but-when-god-makes-it/) [Yasmin Mogahed](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/yasmin-mogahed/) > [TV shows and movies are a rare form of atemporality, and in an ever-changing, always-on world, spoilers feel irrefutable - sheer access to them…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jenna-wortham/tv-shows-and-movies-are-a-rare-form-of-atemporality-and-in-an-ever/) [Jenna Wortham](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jenna-wortham/) > [“An illusion of control is still only an illusion.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/meredith-duran/an-illusion-of-control-is-still-only-an-illusion/) [Meredith Duran](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/meredith-duran/) > [Heavy heart with a mind full of thoughts of doubt and sadness. She is screaming on the inside but only a shout of silence…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mackenzie-cheesman/heavy-heart-with-a-mind-full-of-thoughts-of-doubt-and-sadness-she-is/) [MacKenzie Cheesman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mackenzie-cheesman/) > [“A market need no longer be run by the Invisible Hand, but now could create itself-its own logic, momentum, style, from inside. Putting the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/thomas-pynchon/a-market-need-no-longer-be-run-by-the-invisible-hand-but-now-could/) [Thomas Pynchon](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/thomas-pynchon/) > [Peace requires us to surrender our illusions of control.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-kornfield/peace-requires-us-to-surrender-our-illusions-of-control/) [Jack Kornfield](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-kornfield/) > [“People who do affirmations will have the sensation that they are causing the environment to conform to their will. This is an immensely enjoyable…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/scott-adams/people-who-do-affirmations-will-have-the-sensation-that-they-are/) [Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/scott-adams/) > [“Embroidery is an improbable hobby for someone as disordered as me, but it's the very precision of it that attracts me, the illusion of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jane-johnson/embroidery-is-an-improbable-hobby-for-someone-as-disordered-as-me-but/) [Jane Johnson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jane-johnson/) > [“When we are healthy, wealthy and powerful, we forget about our mortality. It’s only when irreparable cracks set in that we come back to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bangambiki-habyarimana/when-we-are-healthy-wealthy-and-powerful-we-forget-about-our/) [Bangambiki Habyarimana](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bangambiki-habyarimana/) > [“If you hold on to the handle, she said, it's easier to maintain the illusion of control. But it's more fun if you just…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/brian-andreas/if-you-hold-on-to-the-handle-she-said-it-s-easier-to-maintain-the/) [Brian Andreas](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/brian-andreas/) > [The illusion of control has to be there, but mostly I'm following characters and the consequences of their own decisions, because a lot of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bob-shacochis/the-illusion-of-control-has-to-be-there-but-mostly-i-m-following/) [Bob Shacochis](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bob-shacochis/) > [“The illusion of control makes the helplessness seem more palatable. And when that illusion is taken away, I panic.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/allie-brosh/the-illusion-of-control-makes-the-helplessness-seem-more-palatable/) [Allie Brosh](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/allie-brosh/) > [“The first step in battling the illusion of control is to be aware of if. But even then it is difficult, once we think…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/leonard-mlodinow/the-first-step-in-battling-the-illusion-of-control-is-to-be-aware-of/) [Leonard Mlodinow](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/leonard-mlodinow/) > [“Blame is a Defense Against Powerlessness Betrayal trauma changes you. You have endured a life-altering shock, and are likely living with PTSD symptoms— hypervigilance,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sandra-lee-dennis/blame-is-a-defense-against-powerlessness-betrayal-trauma-changes-you/) [Sandra Lee Dennis](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sandra-lee-dennis/) ## More by Christopher Voss > ['Fair' is, like, this incredibly overused term in negotiations: 'I just want what's fair.' 'What's the fair market price?'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-voss/fair-is-like-this-incredibly-overused-term-in-negotiations-i-just/) [Christopher Voss](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-voss/) > [Negotiation is often described as the art of letting the other side have your way. You have to give the other side a chance…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-voss/negotiation-is-often-described-as-the-art-of-letting-the-other-side/) [Christopher Voss](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-voss/) > [When you expect to get into a negotiation, you expect to be faced by a guy that's going to attack you, a guy or…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-voss/when-you-expect-to-get-into-a-negotiation-you-expect-to-be-faced-by-a/) [Christopher Voss](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-voss/) > [If your first objective in the negotiation, instead of making your argument, is to hear the other side out, that's the only way you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-voss/if-your-first-objective-in-the-negotiation-instead-of-making-your/) [Christopher Voss](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-voss/) > [What I really think of myself as is a person who's great at negotiation coaching and consulting.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-voss/what-i-really-think-of-myself-as-is-a-person-who-s-great-at/) [Christopher Voss](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-voss/) > [Successful negotiation is not about getting to 'yes'; it's about mastering 'no' and understanding what the path to an agreement is.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-voss/successful-negotiation-is-not-about-getting-to-yes-it-s-about/) [Christopher Voss](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-voss/) > [There's great power in deference. You ask somebody 'what' or 'how' questions. People love to be asked how to do something. They feel powerful,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-voss/there-s-great-power-in-deference-you-ask-somebody-what-or-how/) [Christopher Voss](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-voss/) > [You're supposed to have a passionate purpose as a CEO.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-voss/you-re-supposed-to-have-a-passionate-purpose-as-a-ceo/) [Christopher Voss](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-voss/) > [Emotions aren't the obstacles to a successful negotiation; they are the means.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-voss/emotions-aren-t-the-obstacles-to-a-successful-negotiation-they-are/) [Christopher Voss](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-voss/) > [Every job that you take, the term that you should always include is, 'How can I be involved in the strategic projects that are…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-voss/every-job-that-you-take-the-term-that-you-should-always-include-is/) [Christopher Voss](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-voss/) > [What drives you? What's your motivation? That's not emotion. That's passion. It's a different word.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-voss/what-drives-you-what-s-your-motivation-that-s-not-emotion-that-s/) [Christopher Voss](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-voss/) > [People typically only believe they're in a negotiation when dollars are involved. 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Use the :) face.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/rules-for-texting-a-girl-1-don-t-take-40-minutes-to-reply-2-use-good/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) [Browse all 828 Ask questions quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ask-questions/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The secret to gaining the upper hand in a negotiation is to give the other side the illusion of control. Don't try to force your opponent to admit that you are right. 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