--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: When we hear stories about shame that…" description: "\"“When we hear stories about shame that don’t fit with our experiences, our first reaction is often to distance ourselves from the experiences—“My mothe..." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/983/bren-brown-280_marriage_when-we-hear-stories-about-shame-that-do_1278202.jpg" --- # When we hear stories about shame that don’t fit with our… ![“When we hear stories about shame that don’t fit with our experiences, our first reaction is often to distance ourselves from the experiences—“My mother would never say that” or “I don’t get women who don’t enjoy sex” or “She’s so naïve—her husband’s a wacko.” The distancing turns very quickly into…” quote by Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/983/bren-brown-280_marriage_when-we-hear-stories-about-shame-that-do_1278202.jpg) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/983/bren-brown-280_marriage_when-we-hear-stories-about-shame-that-do_1278202.jpg) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/983/bren-brown-280_marriage_when-we-hear-stories-about-shame-that-do_1278202.jpg) > ““When we hear stories about shame that don’t fit with our experiences, our first reaction is often to distance ourselves from the experiences—“My mother would never say that” or “I don’t get women who don’t enjoy sex” or “She’s so naïve—her husband’s a wacko.” The distancing turns very quickly into blame, judgment and separation.”” [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. When narratives about shame clash with personal experience, we often distance ourselves, which can quickly shift to blame and judgment. **In simple terms:** People distance from shame stories, leading to blame. Key Takeaway Recognize and stay present with uncomfortable stories. Themes shame psychology empathy Mood reflective empathetic Type psychological insightful When to use this quote - therapy sessions - group discussions - personal reflection Key Concepts social cognition defense mechanisms Questions to Reflect On - How does distancing protect you? - What could you learn by staying engaged? A Different Perspective Distancing may prevent genuine understanding and healing. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Experiences Mother](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/experiences-mother-609088/) [Experiences Reaction](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/experiences-reaction-4120557/) [Marriage](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/marriage/) [Shame](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/shame/) [Stories Shame](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/stories-shame-4120556/) [Wacko Distancing](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/wacko-distancing-4120558/) ## Related quotes > [My father's life was so decimated by his earliest experiences. His mother died when he was 7 years old, which he always said was…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/walter-mosley/my-father-s-life-was-so-decimated-by-his-earliest-experiences-his/) [Walter Mosley](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/walter-mosley/) > [Whenever I write about motherhood - and I write about it a lot - I am drawing on my experiences as a mother and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kristin-hannah/whenever-i-write-about-motherhood-and-i-write-about-it-a-lot-i-am/) [Kristin Hannah](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kristin-hannah/) > [“The way to fight shame and to honor who we are is by sharing our experience with someone who has earned the right to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/the-way-to-fight-shame-and-to-honor-who-we-are-is-by-sharing-our/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“When shame becomes a management style, engagement dies. When failure is not an option we can forget about learning, creativity, and innovation .”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/when-shame-becomes-a-management-style-engagement-dies-when-failure-is/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“Knowing what I do now, I think about shame and worthiness in this way: 'It's the album, not the picture.' If you imagine opening…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/knowing-what-i-do-now-i-think-about-shame-and-worthiness-in-this-way/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot tolerate having words wrapped around it. What it craves is secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you stay…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/shame-cannot-survive-being-spoken-it-cannot-tolerate-having-words/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“In Jungian circles, shame is often referred to as the swampland of the soul. I’m not suggesting that we wade out into the swamp…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/in-jungian-circles-shame-is-often-referred-to-as-the-swampland-of-the/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/shame-corrodes-the-very-part-of-us-that-believes-we-are-capable-of/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“I can recognize shame when it’s happening.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/i-can-recognize-shame-when-it-s-happening/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“Build a bridge over shame by teaching kids about sexual abuse. Give them a chance to run to us should they encounter it. Be…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/carolyn-byers-ruch/build-a-bridge-over-shame-by-teaching-kids-about-sexual-abuse-give/) [Carolyn Byers Ruch](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/carolyn-byers-ruch/) > [Mine would be, "We will stand together, he and I. One in victory, one in shame. Only then can I truly own the power…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/mine-would-be-we-will-stand-together-he-and-i-one-in-victory-one-in/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) > [For some reason, we are truly convinced that if we criticize ourselves, the criticism will lead to change. If we are harsh, we believe…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/geneen-roth/for-some-reason-we-are-truly-convinced-that-if-we-criticize-ourselves/) [Geneen Roth](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/geneen-roth/) > [The books that the world calls immoral are the books that show the world its own shame.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/oscar-wilde/the-books-that-the-world-calls-immoral-are-the-books-that-show-the/) [Oscar Wilde](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/oscar-wilde/) > [It's a shame that when you've actually lived some life and have something to write about, they're saying you're too old to come out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kt-tunstall/it-s-a-shame-that-when-you-ve-actually-lived-some-life-and-have/) [KT Tunstall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kt-tunstall/) > [“So she bowed her head and devoted herself to Beartown’s real traditional sports: shame and silence.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/fredrik-backman/so-she-bowed-her-head-and-devoted-herself-to-beartown-s-real/) [Fredrik Backman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/fredrik-backman/) ## More by Brené Brown > [We're raising children who have little tolerance for disappointment](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/we-re-raising-children-who-have-little-tolerance-for-disappointment/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“always put off writing by reorganizing my entire house and spending way too much time and money buying office supplies and organizing systems. Every…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/always-put-off-writing-by-reorganizing-my-entire-house-and-spending/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [When you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/when-you-ask-people-about-love-they-tell-you-about-heartbreak/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“I can recognize shame when it’s happening.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/i-can-recognize-shame-when-it-s-happening/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [I carry a small sheet of paper in my wallet that has written on it the names of people whose opinions of me matter.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/i-carry-a-small-sheet-of-paper-in-my-wallet-that-has-written-on-it/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/courage-starts-with-showing-up-and-letting-ourselves-be-seen/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can't ensure, who may stay in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/waking-up-every-day-and-loving-someone-who-may-or-may-not-love-us/) [Brene Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“No matter how separated we are by what we think and believe, we are part of the same spiritual story.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/no-matter-how-separated-we-are-by-what-we-think-and-believe-we-are/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception -…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/perfectionism-is-self-destructive-simply-because-there-is-no-such/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/shame-corrodes-the-very-part-of-us-that-believes-we-are-capable-of/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [If you're also in the arena and you're putting your ideas out and you're owning them and you're saying "I disagree with you about…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/if-you-re-also-in-the-arena-and-you-re-putting-your-ideas-out-and-you/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“I found that men and women with high levels of shame resilience share these four elements: They understand shame and recognize what messages and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/i-found-that-men-and-women-with-high-levels-of-shame-resilience-share/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [Connection gives purpose and meaning to our lives.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/connection-gives-purpose-and-meaning-to-our-lives/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“But here’s the tricky part about compassion and connecting: We can’t call just anyone. It’s not that simple. I have a lot of good…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/but-here-s-the-tricky-part-about-compassion-and-connecting-we-can-t/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“It turns out to be the place of true belonging, and it's the bravest and most sacred place you'll stand.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/it-turns-out-to-be-the-place-of-true-belonging-and-it-s-the-bravest/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) [Explore all 759 Brené Brown quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) ## More Marriage quotes > [Unmarried couples should get married - that's an excellent tax avoidance measure, if a bit drastic.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-whiting/unmarried-couples-should-get-married-that-s-an-excellent-tax/) [John Whiting](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-whiting/) > [I know for my wife and I, we always loved the idea of being young parents. It is an incredibly inspiring and challenging job…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/taylor-hanson/i-know-for-my-wife-and-i-we-always-loved-the-idea-of-being-young/) [Taylor Hanson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/taylor-hanson/) > [I cannot forbid a person to marry several wives, for it does not contradict Scripture. MARTIN LUTHER, letter to Chancellor Gregory Brück, January 13,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jean-de-la-bruyere/i-cannot-forbid-a-person-to-marry-several-wives-for-it-does-not/) [Jean de la Bruyere](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jean-de-la-bruyere/) > [I don't like being away from home. That's one reason why I don't work as much as I used to \[when I started my…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jane-powell/i-don-t-like-being-away-from-home-that-s-one-reason-why-i-don-t-work/) [Jane Powell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jane-powell/) > [Luckily, the bullet that hit my chest never got to me. It was stopped by a silver case I got for my brother's wedding.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-doohan/luckily-the-bullet-that-hit-my-chest-never-got-to-me-it-was-stopped/) [James Doohan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-doohan/) > [Do you think that God would separate me from my husband if I killed myself? I feel as though I am going out of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/do-you-think-that-god-would-separate-me-from-my-husband-if-i-killed/) [Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/) > [The thing about hitting kids is, think about if you were doing the same thing to another adult. Hitting your kid is really the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-braff/the-thing-about-hitting-kids-is-think-about-if-you-were-doing-the/) [Zach Braff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-braff/) > [“Take an interest in his appearance. Keeping his clothes in order is your job; encouraging him to look his best, and admiring him when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ellen-baker/take-an-interest-in-his-appearance-keeping-his-clothes-in-order-is/) [Ellen Baker](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ellen-baker/) > [Females always say, you can't turn a hoe into a house wife, but steady be trying to turn a dog into a faithful man…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/hussein-nishah/females-always-say-you-can-t-turn-a-hoe-into-a-house-wife-but-steady/) [Hussein Nishah](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/hussein-nishah/) > [He's a fool that marries; but he's a greater fool that does not marry a fool.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/william-wycherley/he-s-a-fool-that-marries-but-he-s-a-greater-fool-that-does-not-marry/) [William Wycherley](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/william-wycherley/) > [Her dignity consists in being unknown to the world; her glory is in the esteem of her husband; her pleasures in the happiness of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jean-jacques-rousseau/her-dignity-consists-in-being-unknown-to-the-world-her-glory-is-in/) [Jean-Jacques Rousseau](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jean-jacques-rousseau/) > [But I think that of all the literature that I studied, the book that did more than any other to fire my enthusiasm was…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kwame-nkrumah/but-i-think-that-of-all-the-literature-that-i-studied-the-book-that/) [Kwame Nkrumah](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kwame-nkrumah/) > [Most marriages don't add two people together. They subtract one from the other.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ian-fleming/most-marriages-don-t-add-two-people-together-they-subtract-one-from/) [Ian Fleming](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ian-fleming/) > [Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/h-l-mencken/alimony-the-ransom-that-the-happy-pay-to-the-devil/) [H. L. Mencken](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/h-l-mencken/) > [“His own parents, the estimable Gilchrists, a couple who had taken the 'till death' part of their own wedding vows so seriously he wouldn't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ally-blake/his-own-parents-the-estimable-gilchrists-a-couple-who-had-taken-the/) [Ally Blake](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ally-blake/) [Browse all 31,920 Marriage quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/marriage/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“When we hear stories about shame that don’t fit with our experiences, our first reaction is often to distance ourselves from the experiences—“My mother would never say that” or “I don’t get women who don’t enjoy sex” or “She’s so naïve—her husband’s a wacko.” The distancing turns very quickly into blame, judgment and separation.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Brené Brown" }, "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/when-we-hear-stories-about-shame-that-don-t-fit-with-our-experiences/", "about": { "@type": "Thing", "name": "Marriage" }, "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/when-we-hear-stories-about-shame-that-don-t-fit-with-our-experiences/#quotation", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/983/bren-brown-280_marriage_when-we-hear-stories-about-shame-that-do_1278202.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/983/bren-brown-280_marriage_when-we-hear-stories-about-shame-that-do_1278202.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/983/bren-brown-280_marriage_when-we-hear-stories-about-shame-that-do_1278202.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When we hear stories about shame that don’t fit with our experiences, our first reaction is often to…” — Brené Brown", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } }, { "@type": "BreadcrumbList", "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "name": "Home", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "name": "Quotes", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "name": "Brené Brown", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "name": "“When we hear stories about shame...", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/when-we-hear-stories-about-shame-that-don-t-fit-with-our-experiences/" } ], "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/when-we-hear-stories-about-shame-that-don-t-fit-with-our-experiences/#breadcrumb" }, { "@type": "WebSite", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "publisher": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } }, { "@type": "Organization", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "logo": { "@type": "ImageObject", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/themes/sq/assets/icons/icon-512.png", "width": 512, "height": 512 } } ] } ```